Tuesday, January 13, 2009

How not to date a tool

In addition to having been horrified by that "Tool Academy" show the other night, I've also spent some time thinking of ways one would avoid being in that particular situation. There are reasons I don't. I take after my mother, who doesn't take shit from anyone. My father criticized her macaroni once and she dumped it in his lap. Ever since then he's said everything she makes is fabulous.

Now, it's not as though I've never dated a douchebag- I think we all know that this is not the case. However, as soon as they revealed themselves to be as such, they were promptly dismissed (I said 'Good Day!' Sir!).

But anyway, here you go! (also, though I say "he" in several instances, most of it goes for everyone)

1. Enjoy your own company to the point where you are not afraid of being alone. If you aren't afraid of being alone, you will never be hesitant to walk.
2. Always be willing to walk.
3. Get a pre-fab man (or woman)- not someone you feel you have to change the personality or behavior of. (I assume that most people need a bit of my help in the realm of style and skin care.). Should you need a project, I suggest you take up needlepoint.
4. Be aware of how people make you feel about yourself, and know when you have been insulted. If someone is giving you a self-esteemectomy, you don't need to be around that person.
5. Believe people when they tell you who they are.
6. Always remember that the beginning of any affair is "The Honeymoon Period"- the best it is probably ever going to be. I suggest you start on a high note, rather than with a list of things you already have to work on. You can't very well sing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore" if he never did it to begin with.
7. Screw me once, shame on you- screw me twice, shame on me. You'd think it would be obvious by now.
8. There is no such thing as a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever. There is only someone telling you what to do and you going along with that.
9. Pay more attention to their manners than you do to their personal tastes.
10. Never, for one second, think of yourself as a victim or as a doormat. We tell people how to treat us, and if you, as the main authority on yourself, do not think you are fantastic and strong, than no one else will either.
11. Remember that we are no longer in the 50's. Sure, there was a time when maybe you needed a husband lest you risk starving to death on the street- but luckily, that is no longer the case. You are better off being alone for the rest of your life than living it being stuck with a douchebag.
12. Ideally, no one should have to feel like crap. However, if someone must- make damn sure it isn't you. Or at least make sure that they feel worse.
13. Listen to how they talk about their parents. If they're shitting on the people who raised his damn ass, don't think you're getting any special treatment. Also highly indicative of maturity.
14. Dating is like shoe shopping. If you try and shove your foot into a size four, it's going to be nothing but a pain. If it doesn't fit, move on and try another pair. It's not the end of the damn world.
15. Don't take no shit.


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