Tuesday, March 27, 2007

It sounds crazy, but if you had the money you know you'd do it

At least I would. Because it would be totally bad ass. It seems that Michael Jackson is looking to have a 50 foot robot replica of himself made for a show in Las Vegas. With lasers shooting out of it's eyes! Lasers! Out of it's EYES! (source) Paul McCartney is thinking about investing in it too. Which is weird because I thought they had that falling out about MJ buying the rights to all The Beatle's songs or something.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Varied and Sundry... It's been a good day.

1. I think I saw Charo at Swank Frank.
2. Today while I was wandering around downtown in between classes, I came upon the most amazing thing ever. It's called the "Stitch Salon"- and it's only open until Saturday (I was a little late on the bandwagon)- so if you're a knitter or a crocheter or sewer or something, you should go check it out before it closes- apparently it's been open the whole winter. Basically, people go down there and stitch a patch onto this skirt, and then they're going to take it around to yarn shops and put it on display. I think it's a really nifty idea. In fact, it gave me an idea of my own- I think I'm going to try to get everyone I know to give me a patch of some kind- like, not necessarily knitted or crocheted if they don't know how to do that- even just like, a cloth patch that they've decorated somehow, and sew them all into a blanket. I don't know how many people I could get to jump on that bandwagon, but I think it would be really super awesome if I could make it work.
3. SheepMan Lives!
4. Crazy anti-choice politicians in Texas want to buy your baby

Monday, March 19, 2007

My birthday is June 5th... save up people

Sparkly sad clown painting of Anna Nicole Smith by Rene Garcia Jr. (www.renegarciajr.com). I'd totally put it over the mantlepiece, bitches.

Republicans uncool on Myspace... pretty much anywhere else

Still, most of them have way fewer friends than your average girl with pictures of her bethonged ass. Maybe they need to get webcams? Shudder.

For the Bavarian on the go...

Lederhosen with built in cellphone. It's all I've ever wanted and more...

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Nipple Rougin' in the USA!

Hey ladies! Don't have enough things to worry about? Well, after you get that vaginaplasty and labia pump you've been wanting, go and pick up a bottle of Benetint at the Benefit counter and rouge up your nipples! Because they're just not rosy and fresh enough! No, really:

Nipple Tint Goes Mass
Benefit touts Benetint as nipple paint.
By Beth Landman

In just one more sign of the stripperization of the Everywoman,
Benefit’s Benetint, conceived in the seventies for an exotic dancer to color
lips and cheeks, is now also being sold at Sephora and elsewhere as a
“kiss-proof and water-resistant” nipple tint. “Women want nipples to be pert and
fresh-looking, and this shade makes them appear that way,” Benefit spokeswoman
Alison Haljun says. “For a long time, the idea of a ripe, rosy nipple has been
considered appealing and alluring.’’ But aren’t the nipples usually undisplayed?
“Even if you don’t show it off, you know they’re rosier and more perky,” she
says. Sonia Ossorio, president of NOW in New York, says, “I can barely keep up
with keeping my nails manicured, much less this nauseating onslaught of new
beauty standards. While women are spending their energy, time, and money getting
their areolas just the right shade of pink, the Supreme Court is getting more
conservative and closer to taking away our long-fought right to reproductive

Ok, I'm not a straight guy or a lesbian, but if I were, I feel like I'd probably be damned weirded out if I found out that the chick I was with was rouging her nipples to make them appear to be fresh and rosy. I know I'd be really freaked out if a guy did it.

However, for the purpose of experimentation, since I own a bottle of Benetint (for cheeks and lips, not for my boobs), I decided to try it out. Just on one. And in no way was it any kind of positive change, and in fact looked sort of bloody. I haven't washed it off yet, and I will tell you that I feel no better about myself with my one nipple looking this way. In fact, I feel really weird about it.

Now, I will tell you that I do indeed own a thing of strawberry flavored nipple gloss. But it was a dollar at the porn store and I bought it because, well, that's just too funny and how could I not buy it, right? And also it works as lip gloss. However, I must tell you, that no one has ever complained that my nipples were not fresh and rosy looking enough, or glossy or strawberry flavored enough. Never in my life. It's never, ever happened. And, frankly, I would put money on the fact that it never will. I have had nothing but positive reviews on them just the way they are. So, dears, my Benetint will be staying on my cheeks and lips where it belongs, thank you very much.

via Feministe

Portable Vagina Dentata...

Whenever asked "If I were able to have any superpower, what superpower would it be?" I have always answered the ability to posess vagina dentata (teeth in the vag) at will. Of course, I'm totally kidding. However, Rapex, the anti-rape condom (found here at www.rapestop.net) can make my dream a reality!

It's not you, it's me- or, sisters are doing it to themselves

This is the thing- I'm a feminist. Duh. But there is one thing I just don't think the fella's deserve the blame for. And that thing is women's body image. That is all us. Sure, the media perpetuates this idea that we're supposed to be absolutely perfect looking, 40 lbs underweight, and blonde. That's what we are told men want. And we buy into it, and also buy a whole lot of crap we don't need in the process. Then we get all upset because we can't possibly be that, and who would want us when we're not? Well, pretty much any of them.

Think about it- if you have boobs and a vag, you can pretty much get laid anytime you want. I mean- have you read Portnoy's Complaint? A guy will do it to a piece of raw liver! Their standards are waaaaaay below what we think they are. They don't even notice when our hair is an entirely different color- you think they notice when we're three pounds overweight? No, they don't. But we do. Women are far more conscious and judgemental of the appearance of other women than men are.

Now, if you actually talk to your average guy, odds are he'll tell you that A) He's not that into stick figures and B) He actually doesn't like make-up all that much. We can be told this until hell freezes over, but we're still going to diet and spend a crapload of cash at the Nars counter. Why, because it's not them, it's us. We're looking at the television and we're looking at magazines instead of looking around in the world. Now- I don't attract any fewer men than I did when I was 15 lbs lighter, but at the same time I am trying my damnedest to get back there.

Think about this for a second. At a bar, there is a smoking hot chick, and an average looking chick. Who do you think is going to get hit on more? If you said the hot chick, you are wrong. Men are terrified of rejection. They figure the hot chick will be far more likely to reject them than the average looking girl is. So, if you want to reel in the fella's, you're probably better off being plain looking. Also, men, being individuals, usually have different ideas of what they think is attractive that don't necessarily conform with the media's beauty standards.

If you think about it, we're actually a lot harsher on them than they are on us. I mean, I don't think men sit around with their friends compiling lists of qualities their ideal person would have to possess. They probably don't pick apart every individual detail of anyone they are dating either and analyzing everything they do or say. But a lot of the time, we do. And frankly, I think that we're projecting.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

I know, I know- it's been forever!

But I've been a very busy lady. I've had two weeks of very lovely houseguests. First there was Michael (aka The New Jan Brady, who is supposed to post on here but has not as of yet) and his beau Ian, and then a few days later, there was Kris, my best friend from highschool. It's been crazy, I tell you. And in about a week and a half, my friend Nicole is coming up, and the week after that, my sister is coming for a week. I am a popular lady.

I digress. Now, I try to stay away from writing too many personal things on here. However, this past Wednesday was something special. Short bus special. Pour quoi? In three short hours I ran the marathon of abject humiliation. And survived. Because I'm a survivor, baby. Check it out:

10:30am- Chicago Bus. Try to get off at Millwaukee, only to find that my earring is attatched to the man standing next to me and have to get off at next stop as I cannot untangle myself from his Cosby sweater.

10:45am- Go to get on the Blue line, as I am walking onto the train, the strap on my shoe breaks and my shoe falls off, and the train takes off with me on it, leaving my shoe on the platform before I can do anything about it. Have to ride to Grand standing on one shoe, get onto next train, retrieve shoe at Chicago stop and get back on train.

1:00pm- Random fella on street asks for a light. "Sure! I have matches!" I say. I reach into my purse to grab them, and then hand to him what I believe to be a pack of matches, but is instead, a condom. And not just any condom. The kind Linday and I got from the funny vending machine in the bathroom at Twisted Spoke, which was labled "Black Studded Condom" and appeared to be manufactured to appeal to bikers or something.

Ta fucking da.

The sad thing is, people- I'm barely phased. My face was not even red. And let me tell you why- because when you have lived this so many times over, it's just another day. Oy.