Friday, June 22, 2007

But have they ever refused Viagra?

This happened to me.

About three years ago, when I first moved to Chicago, I thought I had strep throat. So I went to the hospital on Division (one of the Resurrection hospitals that they talk about in the article), about a block away (How convenient, I thought!) to get it checked out. Now, of course it was just a sore throat, and I'm a hypochondriac, and whatever. But while I was there I said to the doctor "Hey, since I'm here and all, do you think you could renew my birth control prescription for me?" I was told that they could not, because it was a Catholic hospital. I was pissed, and honestly, really surprised. I didn't know they could do that. You know, being that birth control is perfectly legal and all. You can bet your ass, I never went there again.

I do not think people should be allowed to become doctors (or pharmacists for that matter) if their moral religious beliefs will interfere with providing care for their patients. Women's health is not an "option." I mean, what if Christian Scientists doctors refused to give you medicine, or if Jehovah Witness doctors refused to give you a blood transfusion? Why is women's health care considered an option? PLEASE, PLEASE! Some feminist doctor or pharmacist somewhere! Refuse to dole out the Viagra! (Oh, and for god's opinion on Viagra, go here. My favorite line is:
"Throughout the Bible, having a hard and lasting erection is frequently equated with righteousness and Godliness.")

And by the way- not that it even matters, but birth control is also taken for reasons other than preventing pregnancy. I took it before I was even sexually active, because I have PMDD and debilitatingly painful cramps (seriously, I'd go fetal for the first three days and couldn't go to school. I took everything from Midol to Vicodin and nothing helped besides the pill), and another girl I know took it to regulate her period because, at 18, she only got it every four months. So, I'm just saying- there goes that argument.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Well, we must have priorities

This sounds like the lamest "Would You Rather" question ever, so I'll start out by posing it as one:

"Would you rather be the weight you are now, or five pounds thinner but be unable to control your bowel movements and have an oily discharge coming out of your ass?"

You'd think the answer would be obvious, but it seems that women are heading to drug stores in droves to buy the new FDA approved over the counter diet pill, Alli- which has just these side effects. In fact, the website reccomends that you wear black pants when taking the pill. Shudder.

Oh, and let's be honest for a second... Do they really think they're going to be Scarlett eating barbeque under the oak tree or something when they smell like shit and have stains on their asses? I'm pretty sure that most guys I know would agree that poo is hell of a lot grosser than being five pounds overweight or whatever. Most people I know, actually. Maybe I'll make a graph? Here, take my very important poll!

Which is more grossly unattractive?
A person who shits their pants and has an "oily discharge" seeping from their ass
A person who is five pounds heavier than that person, but is able to control their bowel movements free polls

Morning snapshot

I woke up this morning looking exactly like a Victorian-era prostitute crossed with Marla Singer. I thought you should know. It's the whole wearing vintage slips to bed thing, and the whole forgetting to take my make-up off thing, and the whole hair standing up everywhere thing (my hair always makes it look like I had a way better time than I actually did), and the whole cigarette hanging out of my mouth thing. I wish I had taken a picture.

Oh, and I keep smelling Froot Loops. Does that mean anything? Like when you taste metal and it means you're going to have a heart attack? I mean, yesterday I smelled them on Wells on my way to work, and today in the kitchen it happened again. It was definitely Froot Loops and nothing else.

I should have some coffee.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Tank Girl Vibrators!

Sort of, anyway!

Oh man, when I was 13 and was like, so totally a riot grrrl... Tank Girl was seriously my hero(ine) (which, you know, explains some poor camoflauge based fashion choices back then), and now Jamie Hewlitt is designing dildo's! How fabulous is that? Well, it would be far more fabulous were they not like, $275 (Could I afford it if I sold all my old copies of the comic? Doubt it.)

Oh, and also, Alan Martin is coming out with a Tank Girl novel (Armadillo!) and two new TG graphic novels (not illustrated by Hewlitt, of course, since he's all busy with Gorillaz and stuff) this year... including one that I believe is coming out this month. Sweet.

You know... I'm thinking- the baby doll dresses are back... now if only Bikini Kill and Huggy Bear could get back together, and if Lisa Suckdog could start publishing Rollerderby again... hmmm....

For every fella who has ever told me the story...

You know the one. The one about why affirmative action is like, sooooo unjust? That I seem to hear from quite a few white men whenever the subject is broached? Well, if you haven't- it goes like this: "Once upon a time, a friend of a friend of a friend of mine, who was a white male, applied to Harvard. It was the end of the admissions process- and there was only one spot and two candidates- the friend of a friend of a friend, and (dun dun duuuuunn) a black person (often a woman). Amazingly, they had the exact same SAT scores, GPA, extra-curricular activities etc. But, when it came down to who got in, well... who did they choose? The minority!" (and usually they'll throw in that the white dude came from a poor family, you know, for dramatic effect)

Oh the horror! Oh.... yeah, and the white guys whole entire life was ruined as a result of this terrible injustice. Now, obviously, it's a ridiculous argument. First of all... how would someone even know that this occurred, it's not like they would put it in the rejection letter or something. Second, would it somehow be more fair if the white dude had gotten in instead? Third... legacies- what about the people who don't get in because they have to make room for someone who's daddy went to Harvard (or Yale) and contributed a whole shitload of money to the school? Much like our dear president? Oh, and not to mention that affirmative action has always existed- except that it's been white men hiring white men. Yeah, it's not the toughest argument to shut down.

But anyhow... read this. And then, you know- try that argument out again. According to the article- because women are out-performing men in school and on tests, the admissions are becoming tougher for them in order to keep a gender balance in the schools. I think after we hear more about this, the fella's will be complaining just a hint less about the unfairness of affirmative action.

Oh, and hopefully it will also put an end to the "The reason there is a wage gap is because men are harder workers/smarter" argument as well. Not to mention my favorite pick-up line "Gosh, you're smart for a girl!"

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Gay Bomb

This is not to be confuddled with the Tom Jones hot "Sex Bomb," no sadly it's not as fun. Well, come to think of it, it is kinda fun. If you want to know more just google: gay bomb. Yes, that's right kids get to googling and you can come up with quite a few colorful articles on how our brilliant US Military was in talks to devise a kind of "gay bomb" which would make the enemy be so overcome with homosexuality that they scrumped each other faster than Whitney to a dime bag. The enemy would then be so incredible embarrassed and ashamed of there actions, it would cause chaos and the oh-so-fab US military could sweep in and set an different kind of bomb up their butt.

Oh what clever decrepit old men will think of when given millions upon millions of dollars to sit in a room eating smoked salmon and bagels. They also had briefly discussed a "bad breath" bomb so secret agents could easily be smelt. Unless of course it was Garlic Tuesday and we all know what we'd smell then. Speaking of smelling, they also have discussed since 1945 making a flatulent bomb. No not dropping a bunch of Taco Bell on a bunch of people but actually letting something rip that would cause everyone to get a major case of the toots. They nixed the idea because in some countries people actually like in shit. Like literally! Can you believe that some people actual have become accustomed to smelling feces? Gasp. I thought everyone walked around in air condition with fuzzy pink bunny slippers and a tiara. I mean that's what I'm wearing now while I write this and let out a few poofs from my gay tush.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

New Playgrounds suck ass

I just have to say it. No swingsets- except for the ones made only for babies that look like diapers, no 20 foot metal slides (just these 5 foot tall plastic ones that aren't even slid-ey if you throw sand on them), no merry go-rounds, no see-saws, no jungle gyms, no monkey bars. Everything made out of plastic...

(this one has monkey bars- but look! They're only as tall as that kid standing next to them!)

If I was a kid, I'd be pissed. I mean, I get that safety is a concern and all- but they just look boring as hell. Kids should have scraped knees, they should puke from spinning around in circles, and have bruised butts from their friend jumping off the see-saw too soon. I firmly believe this. My mom didn't want me to be afraid to climb the jungle gym- she didn't want me to be afraid of anything- even getting hurt. I learned to laugh when I fell down instead of cry. I learned fearlessness, I learned to hang from my knees.

I think these things build character. If you have a bubble-wrapped childhood, I think it's possible you'll grow up to be a whiny bastard. I'm kind of grateful for every crappy thing that happened to me when I was a kid. It's why, at 26, I am such a ballsy-ass broad now!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I'm old and rickety!

Yes, today is my birthday, which should so be a national holiday.

So we're going shopping, then drinking, then more drinking.

It should be a swell time.