Friday, February 23, 2007

In response to the APA's report on the sexualization of young girls

If you haven't read it, it's here.

One thing that has always struck me as interesting, is the profound difference between girls right around my age- who went to middle school and early highschool in the days of Sassy Magazine and the Riot Grrrl movement, compared with girls just a bit younger- by one or two years, even, who went through those days with Britney Spears and the Spice Girls. It was especially obvious in highschool- I remember we'd be sitting in the cafeteria looking at the underclassmen being weirded out that some of the girls were actually cheerleaders- which we kind of regarded as something of a throwback. Especially because they only cheered for the boys teams. I also remember the first time I saw a Britney Spears video and thought "Oh man, this has to be a joke. No one would actually take this seriously! We make fun of this stuff now!" I was shocked when "Princess" shirts came out and women actually wore them without a hint of irony.

I have to wonder- would I be the same person I am now if I had been born a few years later? I mean, my mother was and is a very strong feminist role model- but without the culture to back me up, who knows where I'd be. I mean- there has to be a difference, culturally. I mean- you've got the girls that read Sassy, which was all about empowerment, and activism, and making skirts out of ties... and then you've got these girls who only had YM- which was all about being embarassed about your period and getting the guy who sits in front of you in Math class to notice you. You've got Kathleen Hanna telling you to get angry at sexism and rape culture, and then Britney saying "Hit me baby one more time." Something happened.

We've all discussed a billion times how riot grrrl got turned into the more marketable "Girl Power" movement. All of a sudden, women playing guitar turned into women prancing around in hot pants. It was no longer about doing, but being. Women like Roseanne were replaced on television by the ditzy Friends.

It was a small window in time. Maybe only about 4 years or so. I think it's possible that we, as women, have let the younger generations down- we didn't keep it going. We can't blame it all on marketing- because we could have been working harder to keep the grass-roots movements going that were actually having a pervasive effect on society as a whole. It's up to women to empower eachother, because clearly, we can see what happens when the corporate machine is given free reign.

Myspace Survey Question Turns Into Essay...


No. No I don't. Because, quite frankly, I think most people are completely full of shit. I also see ulterior motives in just about everything.

Like for instance, this one time I'm at this bar, right? And I'm talking to this guy and he gets all "Oooh... you have really perfect skin, are you wearing face make-up or anything or is it just like that naturally? Can I touch your face?" So, you know, I just got the fuck up out of there. Sure, some people would see it as a harmless compliment, just a guy being nice. But I know the truth. He wanted to cut my skin off and wear it around the house. However, he would have been in for quite the disappointment, as I am not in fact a size 12.

At the same time, I have always been wary of any guy who compliments my shoes just a little too much. Because, if he's not gay, he's probably a foot fetishist. And yeah- I read Dan Savage. I know all about that "Dump an honest foot fetishist and marry a dishonest necrophilliac stuff"- but I would really like to have my cake and eat it too on this one. I don't want anyone touching my damned feet. I just don't. And besides, it's not like I'm dumping any foot fetishists- I'm stopping it before it happens. You know what they say- an ounce of prevention...

Now, some dudes just go overboard with the compliments altogether. You know the ones- you've known them for all of five minutes and all of a sudden they start telling you you're the sunshine of their life and also the greatest thing since sliced bread?

That is just so damned offensive. I honestly feel really shocked when anyone honestly thinks I am dumb enough to eat up that amount of bullshit. Now- sure, I'm awesome- it's pretty much a fact. But you have to know me for a reasonable amount of time before you understand that. I'm definitely an acquired taste, in the "George Costanza 'Byyyy... Mennen!'" way. And I'm ok with that. Also, the guy that does this is also the "relationship feigner"- another thing I am deeply offended by. See, because these dudes have the aforementioned (in the previous blog) delusion that every woman secretly wants to marry them. I mean, it's this whole "bwah hah hah! I will pretend I am interested in something more than just getting in your pants in order to get into your pants" thing. And uh, I don't need that shit. Because I don't want to be in a relationship with them. Duh. Because you're full of shit, and I know it, and you know it, but you're not swift enough to know that I know it. Which makes you stupid. And I hate stupid.

Speaking of hating stupid- ok, for some reason a lot of fella's seem to think this is an awesome line/compliment: "Wow, you're like, so much smarter than I am." And you know- while that shit may work on you all... because I know some of you still think dumb is cute... I think it's pretty icky and generally disconcerting. I like people to have more pride than that. I really think that anyone who is intimidated by me must be just the putz of the century. I also think that if I am the smartest person in any given room that we have a very dire situation on our hands and one that ought to be corrected immediately and without further ado.

So no, I do not take compliments well

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Why I am about to start throwing things, or... Back the fuck up off my vag.

Ok, I have just absolutely fucking had it. Every single day I read an article or see something on TV about how desperately concerned people are about the "whores." Oh my god they're unmarried! Oh my god they're having sex! Oh my god they're tempting otherwise pure and virginal men with their slutty ways!

And then, today, I turn on the TV and there is Tyra Banks with a special on "Do guys really like promiscuous girls?" (complete with the Nelly Furtado song playing in the background, mind you). So there are all these girls on stage talking about how (oh my god.) they have sex. Tyra acts all concerned. Then, they bring on a bunch of guys who say things like "Yeah, well, we might sleep with you, but we wouldn't want you raising our children and we're not going to respect you" and blah blah blah. Then, they take aside the one girl that was raped when she was younger (because, as we know, women don't fuck because they like it, they do it because they're damaged) and make her cry. Because she's been a whore, but she can repent!

Can I just tell you- I live for the day where they take a bunch of men, throw them on a talk show and express concern for their sexual practices and tell them they're whores- and that what they are doing would be ok if they were women. Oh, and bring a bunch of women on the show too to tell them "Well, I might sleep with you, but I wouldn't want you raising my children and I won't respect you." And then make them cry. I fucking live for it.

I live for the day a teenage boy is taken on a talk-show because he's slept with too many girls.

I live for the article expressing concern about the effect unmarried sex will have on men (other than the "women need to stop being dirty whores so the men can stay pure" argument).

I live for a book called "She's just not that into you." Because man, do I know some fella's who could use that one.

I live to hear about the sex-ed class where girls are asked to raise their hands if they would like to marry a virgin (Yeah, there was an article recently about a sex-ed teacher in Washington who had all the boys in the class raise their hands if they wanted to marry a virgin- and of course they all did. And of course she turned to the girls and said "See!")

I also live for the television show featuring a fat woman and her supermodel husband.

I'm just so, so tired of it. First of all, all this shit contributes to those absurd delusions of grandeur men have about every woman wanting to marry them. Because, let me tell you, there is nothing more irritating and offensive than a guy you can barely tolerate for one night acting as though you're secretly trying to rope him into a lifetime of matrimonial bliss. If anything, in my life, men have always been the ones who get all relationship-y on my commitment-phobic ass- so really, I think this particular idea needs to be put to rest.

There is no longer any reason for women to be so desperately concerned about what men might think of them. I'm sorry, but we no longer live in a world where we cannot survive without them- and hell, we're proving it by *not* marrying them- look at the statistics. It's not their ball game any more. So no- they no longer get their cherished double standard of "men can fuck whomever they want and be "studs" and a woman who does it is dirty whore." Because we're not going along with it any more, no matter how many talkshows there are about it, or how many articles in the National Review. Hah.

Make Room For The Holy Ghost!

Dear Middle-Aged Couple Dry Humping On The Couch At Rodan-

Perhaps you were looking to add a little spice to your otherwise sexless marriage. Perhaps you were cheating on your spouses and didn't feel like splurging on a hotel room. Perhaps you were swingers hoping some hot young 20-something would see you getting it on and want in. Perhaps you've got that fetish where you want people to vomit on you, because let me tell you- I was almost there. Perhaps you think people were looking at you, not with abject horror, but jealousy- thinking "Wow! They are so totally in love and not at all nauseating in any way! I am so jealous of their deep, deep love!"

Whatever it was that you were thinking as you shoved your hands down eachothers pants, and sucking face like Romero zombies trying to get at some brains... I just want to say "Gee! Thanks!" for the clorox bleaching I'm going to have to give my retinas after being exposed to that. Really, thanks. You're a class act. For real.

Love and Kisses,

Miss Robyn

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

It's getting pretty chilly in hell...

Helen Thomas gives up her seat

Because they were all like "Uh, Helen- we have TV now. Americans don't *have* to read anymore, k? And we're like totally getting tired of you constantly asking questions and stuff. Like, you're always all Debbie Downer and shit, ok?" And then Helen was all like "Whatever, I don't need you bitches. All the smart people know I'm better than you any way." and they're like "Yeah, whatever, like we care- they're nerds, hello! Besides, Fox News' parents are like, way rich and totally don't care if we do beer bongs in the backyard."

Yeah, so basically, they're making Helen Thomas give up her permanent seat, so someone from some cable news program (which, lets be honest, will more than likely be FOX NEWS instead of CNN. Which, on a rare occasion, airs actual news) so we can all hear more questions like "So, uh, isn't it super great how super great the war in Iraq is going?" and "Uh, so like, who does your hair?" and "What do you think about Anna Nicole's untimely demise- ooh, and who do you think the baby daddy is?"


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Erase Racism Carnival

The 9th Erase Racism Carnival is up at Writeous Sister Speaks so go check it out!

Search terms that make you think...

Elizabeth Taylor National Velvet Orgasm


Christians oppressed by lack of A-List actors appearing in Left Behind series

Oh good god.

See- this is the thing that bothers me. It's not enough to make Christian movies for a Christian audience. They have to demand that secular people see and like them too (and of course, convert and repent afterwards). It's just absurd. This guy also claims to be annoyed that a secular audience doesn't get to hear enough Christian music.

It boggles the mind. I mean, if we're so damn evil, and you hate us so much, WHY OH WHY do you seek our approval so desperately? Is it just sadism?

You know, it's like all this damn country is, is just every episode of "Wife Swap" or "Trading Spouses"- like, there's the Wacky Rock and Roll secular mom, and the Uptight Christian mom. And the Christian mom, when it's her turn to decide the rules, always demands that they read the Bible and worship Jesus. What is that? Really. Just like the whole point of wanting school prayer is to make non-Christians pray to Jesus. All the political crap they do- anti-abortion, anti-gay, etc. is aimed at forcing people who don't believe in their religion to obey it's laws. That's all it is. It's not about anything else. Which is fucked up.

And like I just said in a response to Pinko Feminist Hellcat's post about so called "anti-christian bigotry"- I think a big part of this "Oh my god! We're so totally oppressed by secularists!" thing is that they are chomping at the bit to be persecuted. Because they think that after the rapture, the jesus freaks who aren't vacuumed into heaven, are all going to be beheaded by us if they don't accept "The Mark of The Beast." Which, frankly, would be kind of weird of us to do considering we don't believe in "The Beast." I mean, if we don't oppress them, we probably won't get around to beheading them, and then they don't get to be saints. God, like we don't have better things to do. I mean, I can't even get around to dropping off my dry cleaning- I don't have time to behead anyone. Oy.

I can think of one thing they have in common...

They both have wood in their heads...

Bush continues be hung up on this idea that, while we may think he's a moron now, historians in the year 2500 will think he's a genius. I don't know if he's counting on people getting dumber, or what, but I just don't see that happening. Call me crazy... but I don't know.
"I’m reading about George Washington still,” the president told reporters
at a December news conference where he defended his Iraq policy. “My attitude
is, if they’re still analyzing No. 1, 43 ought not to worry about it and just do
what he thinks is right, and make the tough choices necessary.”

Insiders say this is the book Bushy was reading:

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Another introduction! Hooray!

It's true, I've got me another contributer (and soon the other three will answer the email invite... promise) who is none other than my dear friend Drew. Drew is another Columbia Fiction person and super awesome writer, who likes crispy orphans, pyrokenesis, and thinks I'm completely insane but hangs out with me anyway. Probably because I'm the most fun ever. Or because of my tendancy to wear a lot of low cut shirts- I'm not sure which it is really. His regular blog, The Villa Straylight, is linked to on the sidebar, so check that out.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Planet of The Arabs

Check out Jackie Salloum's website ( for her film Planet of the Arabs. I'll repost the blurb from Dazed and Confused online magazine for the best description:Planet of The Arabs is an incredibly fast would - be action movie trailer for US television and movie history over the last thirty years. A melange of found footage encompassing everything from Sesame Street to Back to The Future the film explores America's vicious media mutilation of the Arab. Out of 1000 films made in the USA between 1896 and 2000 that have had Arab and Muslim characters in them only 12 have contained what could be described as positive cultural depictions.Very interesting. I bitch a lot about the plight of the black man in this country but this film opens my eyes that it sucks for just about everyone

Guns good, Viagra good, Dildos bad... or, there's no O in Alabama

It seems that the 11th circuit court of appeals has upheld an Alabama law outlawing the sale of sex toys.

Now... as someone who has always been curious as to why dildo's, vibrators and the like have to be labeled as "novelty items," this is really just the end all be all of Puritan absurdity. Or male insecurity. The thing that really gets me though- as far as the sexism in this decision goes- is that they specifically mention in the opinion that drugs for "virility" (ie: Viagra) are quite legal. The best the ladies are allowed are condoms "ribbed for her pleasure." Sweet.

But really- am I missing something here? In the opinion, they go on and on about how it's an issue of public morality and that that outweighs a right to sexual privacy (which, they are sure to let us know, really isn't a right.). I'm not actually sure what kind of public morality this is supposed to be. I mean, unless you were repeatedly beating someone over the head with "The Rabbit." Are they using vibrating underwear as a torture device down at Guantanamo? Or is the female orgasm in and of itself immoral? I really don't get it.

It really seems to me that the only "morality" Americans care about is "sexual morality." I mean, there is just no part of me that understands why there is more outrage in this country over seeing a nipple, or a woman using a dildo, or gay marriage, or an HPV vaccine, or unmarried people fucking than there is over the fact that we are in an unjust war bombing the fucking crap out of people who really didn't do anything to us. Or the fact that there's no healthcare for so many people. Or the fact that we are the "richest nation in the world" (I guess the national debt doesn't figure into that) but there are so many people here starving to death. I don't know why it's more ok for a kid to see someone's head getting blown off than it is for them to see a woman breastfeeding, or to go to a sex education class.

They are so concerned with fucking, and vicious hatred of women's bodies that no other kind of moral or ethical outrage is possible. If half of the energy devoted to trying to prevent people from having satisfying sex lives was used to take care of this country's worst off citizens, or preventing war, or protecting the environment, or human rights, or AIDS, or fuck- just making sure that every single person in the country was able to have a job that would support themselves and their family, we'd be living in a much better, and frankly, much more moral place. Or, uh, Europe, actually.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Notes From The Underwhelmed goes public!

Yes, it's true. Instead of just my kvetching, you'll now hear the kvetchings of four (and possibly a couple more to come) people. Thrilling, is it not? So far, said people are my dear friends...

Michael/Miss Pandora Boxx- Whom I first saw on stage, dressed as Cyndi Lauper, lip syncing to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" when I was like 16 or 17 years old. Clearly, I knew we had to be lifelong friends. Also, Michael is the creator of the unbelievably hilarious and brilliant "The Gay Means Happy Show"- which if you look to your right you can find a link to. In addition to being way hotter than I am when dressed up as a lady, and also the posessor of a variety of pageant tiaras, Michael is the one who first introduced me to the wonder that is Albolene.

Jen- My roommate, partner in crime, and dearest friend in the world, without whom I would probably go right off the deep end. Jen enjoys long walks on the beach, sunsets, and slapping strangers in the middle of the night at Walgreens and elsewhere. And yelling "God! Men! It's like they're trying not to get laid!" with me in the living room. And kitchen. Also, we share a uterus and an unrepentant love for all that is "Law and Order." Oh, and she totally wants your vote for "Wassup!'s" bartender of the month. Do it up people, she deserves it!

Jessie- Oh Miss Jessie! She's the sweet, wide eyed, enthusiastic about everything girl I never was and so many girls pretend to be. I hate these girls, but I adore Jessie because she's so absolutely genuine about it. She's also a completely kick ass writer. I first met her in my Fiction 1 class at Columbia, where I started dragging her out after class for 3 dollar veggie burgers at the Pontiac, and have been a corrupting force in her life ever since. Oh- and she can ride a horse, which is so freakin' awesome and very Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.

Harold- The token straight guy! Harold and I bonded at Filter over being former child prodigies with lots of useless talents and have been friends ever since. He is quite the snappy dresser and a social drinker of Hemingway-esque proportions. Also, anytime I feel like making someone do something out of the ordinary with me, such as going to Davenport's for the piano bar or a free yoga class, he's the first to volunteer- not to mention being one of the four people (including Jen) to actually show up to my flash mob pillow fight in Wicker park.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

But the really weird thing is the fact that his name is "Mitt"

There's been quite a bit of talk lately about politicians and their personal religious beliefs- especially what with the whole Mitt Romney being a Mormon thing. Now, I'm going to tell you- it's not because Mormonism has a history with bigamy, or because their a Christian fringe group, or their sacred underwear, or even really because they believe that God lives on the planet Kolob and makes spirit babies or something to that effect, that people have a problem with.

It's because every person in this country has the same knee-jerk reaction to hearing a Mormon is coming-- which is to run upstairs and pretend you are not home. Same thing with the Jehovah's, Jews for Jesus and anyone soliciting insurance. They are out to annoy us, and we know it, and thus avoid them at all costs.

US Mint refuses to accept people's lack of interest in dollar coins

How many times have we been through this? Honestly! Now, as many of you know, I'm not so fond of coinage. In fact, I hate pennies and sometimes just throw them out. Hey- I don't have a car, and I'm reasonably sure that the day will never come where I haul a ten pound bag of pennies for 5 blocks over to the Coinstar at Jewel. It's just not going to happen. First of all- coins are something you lose, or find somewhere at the bottom of your bag. So it's a little frustrating if they're worth that much. Also, we already have a monetary unit equal to a dollar, which, uh... would be the dollar. In fact, this too has George Washington's face on it. What on earth is the point of having two monetary units that are worth the exact same amount? If you ask me, they should make it the 99 cent coin. Now that, I think, would be convenient, as it would prevent me from having to deal with pennies.

Oh, and in other coin related news (Yeah, really. It's a big day for philatelists), an ancient coin reveals that, well- Cleopatra (on the right) wasn't exactly any Elizabeth Taylor. And Marc Antony (left) wasn't much of a dreamboat either. I wonder if further investigations into the attractiveness of historic beauties will reveal the real reason Helen's face launched a thousand ships...

Pretty much the best Walgreen's Valentine's Day display ever

Yeah, we saw this when we went to Walgreen's last night and couldn't help but take a picture... because it's pretty much glorious.

The military doesn't mind if you were in jail...

...just so long as you weren't somebody's bitch. You know, because they still won't let the homos in.

Giuliani officially running for president...

One has to wonder if Giuliani would bypass all that voting machine tampering nonsense and just make his detractors magically disappear.... you know, like the homeless.

It was sort of like "To Catch a Predator...Live!"

So last night my dear friend (and valentine!) Linday and I decided to go to the Debonaire Social Club.
A) Because it was very close to where we were, and very cold out, and
B) Because they were giving away cigarettes

Now, don't get me wrong- I've been there before and had a swell time, but last night? Well, I'm just going to tell you- I kind of felt like I needed a shower after we left. The crowd was primarily girls who- if they were not highschool freshman- were all coincidentally suffering from that disorder people have where they look like they're kids no matter how old they are (like this ), and the creepy 50 year old men who love them. Shudder. On the bright side, however, I felt very, very tall. In fact, Linday and I were both surprised to find out that we weren't standing on some kind of platform. We had to jet before I accidentally punched the long lost Olsen triplet. Oy.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

For all you lonely, lonely fella's out there...

Yup, in case you can't find a lady to grope tonight, I suppose this, um, mouse pad, that, uh, comes with boobs will do.

Post-modern Spam takes on the Scarlett Letter!

(they were trying to sell me cheap valium)

A) Vaguely reminds me of the poetry nights I used to attend back in highschool
B) Didn't Kathy Acker already do this?

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Yeah, the guy said honey... you're a funny girl....

(I apologize in advance for the disjointedness of this post)

Bette Davis, Dorothy Parker, Isadora Duncan, Katherine Hepburn... darlings, I am in more than fabulous company. Unlike men, women are generally single because they are "too much" rather than "not enough." It's why you buy us drinks when you first meet us- in hopes that we will be able to be intoxicated enough to overlook the fact that really, you're no great shakes.

A girl I know recently told me that her brother said the reason she was single, was because she fit the "strong black woman" stereotype. I was genuinely taken aback to hear that this was supposed to be a bad thing. I cannot possibly think of anything more offensive than to say that being a strong woman of any color is a drawback. But at the same time... I've always been told I'm "intimidating" to men- and generally because of things I like about myself- my verbosity, my height, my ability to hold my own in a debate, the fact that I am generally well read and well informed, and, you know, the whole funny thing.

We all know that Valentines day is a ridiculous hallmark holiday specifically designed to remind us how much we all suck at life.
- I am supposed to feel bad because I am a single lady
-Non-single ladies are supposed to feel bad because their boyfriends didn't do enough
- Dudes are supposed to feel bad because their girlfriends think they didn't do enough

I'm not going to get into that.

You, my friends, will know that I have tired of the single life when I start taking Thorazine. Why?
A) Men will bore me less, and perhaps I might suddenly find fart jokes to be explicitly hilarious
B) I will be boring and somewhat brain dead myself, and thus more attractive to potential suitors, ie: less intimidating.
C) It will make me seem mentally disturbed, which will totally result in my being Scarlett eating barbecue under the oak tree.

Now, obviously, I am filled with seething contempt for Christopher Hitchens, particularly after last months Vanity Fair article about how women aren't funny (if you haven't read it, you can do so here). It made me throw things. For real. However, I will grant him one point- men... not so fond of funny women. I know this from experience. Women who think *they* are funny, yes, but not women who are competition in that department. I am reasonably sure that I know why most men have dated me- most of these reasons being either:
a) In the long run, I am cheaper than therapy or self-help seminars (Date me for a week, and you will be healed and ready to start loving psychopaths again! Satisfaction guaranteed!), or
b) I have a nice rack.
Funny has never even entered into it.

I mean, let's be honest- I don't even halfway expect them to get anything I say. I always have to explain, and then obviously it's no longer funny. I rely on my girlfriends to get my jokes. Who, by the way are each individually more hilarious than all the heterosexual men within my acquaintance combined (Or, actually, just the ones in Chicago. I know lots and lots of hilarious men from NY, but not here so much. Maybe I was just there longer and thus able to cultivate such an acquaintance, or maybe it's a regional thing, I don't know.). Yet, I can't tell you the number of times we have all heard that we are funny, smart, well read... for a girl- despite the fact that we generally trump them in these qualities.

Like my lady Dorothy Parker (who Hitchens sacrilegiously dared to say was not funny) once said:
“I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen....”

It's true. Now, I'm neither beautiful nor brilliant, but I am rather easy on the eyes and quite clever. And I have to say, in any situation- I will take being clever, and having the ability to crack myself up, than giving that up to suit the needs of insecure men. I have always been able to entertain myself better than they have anyhow, darlings.

Also- I cannot even begin to discuss the myriad ways Mr. Catface is better than almost any man I have been with. He never wants to have "talks"- he doesn't get personally offended when I pet other cats, he doesn't expect me to be jealous when someone else pets him and then get irritable when I'm not, and frankly, he just has more to say about life.

I thought Fox News was already Fake News...

Apparently, Fox News is trying out its own "conservative version of The Daily Show" called "The Half Hour News Hour." Guests will include the always hilarious Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter!... uh...

See, ok, this is the thing- Republicans are not funny. It's pretty much a fact. I mean, sure- they have their comedic heroes like that Cable Guy or whatever... but he's not funny. I saw the preview for his movie a while back, and I was literally stunned that there were people who found him at all entertaining. Dennis Miller stopped being funny the second he went all wingnut. For real. It's not like I can't find people funny if I disagree with them- he just went totally flat post-conversion.

Because, well- I'll explain. Making fun of rich people- this could be funny. Making fun of the homeless... generally disturbing on all levels of human decency. It's not funny to hear the powerful making fun of the powerless, for the oppressors to make fun of the oppressed. It's awkward, yes, but not in any way that would be construed as funny. Also, how many Born Again Christian comedians are there? None that I know of. 'Cause, you know, while it's damned hilarious if someone believes that they are going to be vacuumed up into heaven someday and leave their clothes in a pile on the ground... it is not funny that people do not think that. Like "Oh my god, those athiests- are they wacky! They don't believe in guardian angels and the rapture!" Not funny. Not at all.

I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of fart jokes and varying renditions of "the gay voice."

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

It's still bothering me...

And by "it" I mean the previously mentioned article about the sexual assaulting cop. And, well... here's the thing...

Situation 1) Susie Creamcheese meets a guy at a bar, and flirts with him while wearing a diamond necklace, and later that night the man rips the jewelry off of her and runs off.

Situation 2) Susie is unconscious and some teenage boys film themselves stealing her diamond necklace, and later their parents describe the incident as "Oh well! Boys will be boys!"

Situation 3) Susie makes her living selling diamond necklaces, and then someone steals one of them

Situation 4) Susie has given away hundreds of diamond necklaces, and then someone takes one without her permission

Situation 5) Susie walks down the street late at night swathed in diamond jewelery and is mugged.

Situation 6) Susie has given a man one of her diamond necklaces once before, and he takes another, even though she said he couldn't have it.

Situation 7) Susie has fallen asleep in a man's hotel room while wearing a diamond necklace and he steals it

Situation 8) Susie is pulled over by a cop while wearing a diamond necklace and he steals it

Now, in any of these situations, is it justifiable for the person to steal Susie's necklace (which, by the way, has stopped looking like a word to me after typing it so many times)? No, of course not. Regardless of Susie's actions, or how she may or may not have "tempted" the thief, when taken to court, the case would be cut and dry- because of course, no one has the right to steal someone else's property.

And yet, these are all excuses used to justify rape and sexual assault. Are we then to assume that Susie's body is less her own property than a diamond necklace is? Apparently so. Because sex crimes are the only crimes where the victim is ever accused of being responsible for the crime. It seems these days that every rape or sexual assault reported in the media has been tinged with this whole "Jean Val Jean stealing a loaf of bread" vibe.

Why? Because in this society, a woman's sexuality is considered a brandished weapon- an attractive woman is a bombshell, a knock-out, a femme fatale. We allow men to see sexual assault and rape as self defense, as though a woman were thrusting a knife at their throat as opposed to simply wearing a short skirt, or being "overtly sexual." We allow the attackers to see themselves as victims rather than violent criminals. Like I said in the previous post, a tease is just a woman you think should fuck you but she disagrees.

Men often see women as being able to sleep with whomever they choose, while they are not. Seeing as how they are raised in a system of male privilege, this is a bitter pill to swallow. I cannot count the times I have had men in bars flip the fuck out at me because I was not interested in them, or "appropriately grateful" for their attention. In fact, just last week my roommate was viciously verbally assaulted by this creepy Superfans looking dude because she declined his repeated offers to sit on his lap.

While no one could be accused of inciting someone to steal one of their material posessions, regardless of what they do for a living, what they are wearing, or how attractive they are- victims of rape and sexual assault almost always are- and are also almost always assumed to be lying about their attack. Which is why these crimes go unreported the majority of the time. Sex crimes need to be treated the exact same way as other crimes are. Because no one is ever "asking for it."

Well, you know, she practically forced him to sexually assault her, what with her boobs and all

Wow... I really cannot believe this. Talk about "The Real OC," eh?

Apparently, now, if you are an "overtly sexual person" a cop who pulls you over has every right to stalk you, ask you to jerk him off, grope you, and then ejaculate on you. Who knew?

The thing I can't get over is how the lawyer went on about how, because the girl was a stripper, and danced on a pole, she was basically inviting the cop to "take some sex." What? Really? Is that like the "Take a penny, leave a penny" thing at a convenience store? Like, "Take some sex, leave your cum on my sweater?" Sex is not something you are ever allowed to "take" from someone.

Obviously, the cop wasn't convicted because of what the woman did for a living. If it was like, a nun, or a teenager, or anyone else- certainly, he would have been put in jail for sexual assault.

The lawyer also goes on about how "she was one of those girls who have learned the art of the tease, getting what they want . . . they’ve learned to separate men from their money.” AHHHHHHH!!!!! Seriously... it's just so, so wrong. So wrong. The word "tease" basically means "a woman whom a man would like to sleep with, but she disagrees."

Being a dancer, being a prostitute, being a "tease," being attractive, wearing a short skirt, having breasts... NONE of these things allows ANY man to "take some sex" from a woman without her consent. They do not imply consent in any way. Rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence, not passion, and not horniness. When is that going to be clear? Honestly!

It was Brigid O'Shaughnessy!

Maltese Falcon Actually Stolen

Do you think they have a private detective working on this case? I kind of hope so. And I hope it's some world-weary guy who wears a trenchcoat, and chainsmokes and talksh like thish. Because I would totally marry him. Or, possibly whoever stole the Falcon in the first place- because damn, is that bad ass or what? Unless it was Mary Astor. I don't think I'd marry her. Or Bebe Daniels. Possibly Bette Davis, though (the Bette Davis movie "Satan Met a Lady" was based on The Maltese Falcon, and her character, Valerie Purvis, was supposed to be Brigid O'Shaughnessy). Because Miss Davis and I are totally soul sisters.

In case you don't know, I have this thing where I have always secretly wanted to be a femme fatale who attempts to foil a hard-boiled private detective. I watch a lot of film noir, I can't help it. Also, I really, really want someone to knock on my door and ask me if I'm decent, whereupon I flip my long, flowing hair back like I'm some kind of coquette and say "Sure... I'm decent." In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, that's what Rita Hayworth does in the movie "Gilda." I actually have a whole list of things I want to do that occur in movies that involve me being far more glamourous and smooth than I actually am. It sort of breaks my heart a little every day to know that I will never be described as being Garbo-esque. Alas, we all have our crosses to bear.

The bitch is back...

I'm back! If you didn't know- my mother accidentally deleted my google account while trying to sign me out of it when I left Rochester. Which means I lost my blog. Which sucked.

Finally- after a long battle with Blogger, Notes From the Underwhelmed is back. Or I at least have the URL back- Google's cache of it disappeared so all of my posts are lost to the world because in the meantime some douche was using the URL to redirect to some video site. Not porn. So this means I now have to rely on new content rather than the obscene amounts of people coming to the site because they wanted to know how to pronounce "Sartre."

Also... there are new developments at hand. I shall soon have a new blogging partner at NFTU, or at another soon to be named blog (it hasn't been decided)- none other than my amazingly hilarious and fabulous friend Michael, also known as the (in)famous Miss Pandora Boxx.

Also also... I'm updating my blogroll, so if you've got a blog, or a site or whatever that you want me to link to, let me know (you know, as long as it's not like, porn or the National Review)