Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Somewhere, Kathy Griffin is giggling maniacally

Ok, so, Clay Aiken came out of the closet and the world said... duh. Or at least I assume they did. I did. My first thought, after, you know- "duh" was... "Oh my god, if only I were in a room with Kathy Griffin right now!" and then, I thought- "But what about the Claymates??? Won't someone please think of the Claymates?"

It's all pretty much hilarious. However, the best thing that I discovered was the existence of Clay Aiken fan fiction- like, more websites devoted to Clay Aiken fan fiction than you would ever think exist. Also, Clay Aiken erotic fan fiction. Honestly- the non-erotic stuff is, in it's own way, almost more hilarious, because it involves him solving mysteries and saving grandmas... and, uh, being in an abusive relationship that involves water torture and daily beatings? Oh, and some romances with elven princesses here and there. The erotic stuff is just... disturbing. I don't know, I've just never looked at Clay Aiken and thought "yeah, hot sex!"

But seriously folks, if you have some time to kill... I heartily reccomend leafing through these.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Isn't that special...

The seething sarcasm from the first female anchor is absolutely delightful. I also like how the girl going to the purity ball is like "I've never had a birds and the bees talk and I really don't want one"

So... like, does she not know what sex entails? At 17? Is she like my neighbor who thought it was when the guy stuck his dick into your bellybutton? Or has she just not discussed it with her parents? Because, I have to assume that most people tend to be curious about these things... especially someone who gives that much thought to staying "pure."

On a positive note though, this is the first one I've heard of that involves the boys. How progressive?

I can name that peen in 5 seconds

Have you ever met a dude who, in all seriousness, had a name for his dick? Me neither. In fact, I don't think I've encountered one, period who did it even ironically. Maybe they just don't share this with me because they figure I'd laugh for seven hours if they did... but then why get this?

Or, um, rather, why pay $14.95 for an official plaque with your peen's name on it? I mean, I'd make you one with crayons for 5 bucks. I'll even draw a picture (warning! I can only draw stick figures, so I don't know how flattering it will be!)!

Apparently, it's like a registered name. There can only be one of each! So, like, if you want to name your dick "Kenny Rogers" and that name is already taken, you will have to pay the dude who registered it originally for the rights. You know, if you have your heart set on it that much. Also, don't plan on making it a "dirty" name, like some of these, because they have standards of decency over at Name Your Wang.

via fleshbot

The Way To Happiness (Did you know it's Scientology?)

Ok, so some mysterious person dropped off a Scientology pamphlet at the store called "The Way to Happiness," and let me tell you- it is absolutely glorious! Glorious! I don't think anything has made me this ecstatically happy since I found One-Arm Juanita, my weird dancing lady lamp that doesn't work (it's the simple things in life, really).

Here are some things I learned!

1. If one does not survive, no joy and happiness are unattainable (So... death is not in fact a dance party? I've been misled!)

2. You are well within your rights to insist that people bathe regularly and wash their hands.

3. Suggest to others that they preserve their teeth.

4. A "feeling of guilt" is nowhere near as sharp as a knife in the back or ground glass in the soup (why you should be faithful to your "sexual partner"- which, I think, in Scientology is a lot like your lab partner.)

5. While most children are capable of great decency, a few are born insane and, today, some are even born as drug addicts.

6. No one has the right to force data off on you and command you to believe it or else. If it is not true for you, it isn't true.

7. (Personal favorite!) The way to happiness does not include murdering, or your friends, your family or yourself being murdered. (Really? Because I thought that would be an awesome time! I have been shown the light!)

8. In some societies, when they are barbaric or become very degrade, it can even be the fashion to be a public eyesore. (On the runways of Calcutta...)

9. A thief sows the environment with mysteries.

10. Has there ever been an instance where another had some false data about you? Did it cause you trouble? This can give you some idea of the havoc false data can raise!

11. The new model eggbeater or washing machine, the latest years car, all demand some study and learning before they can be competently operated. When people omit it, there are acidents in the kitchen and piles of bleeding wreckage on the highways. (But what if the new model eggbeater lead to piles of bleeding wreckage on a highway? There's a story in that somewhere.)

12. The insane cannot learn.

13. Movie stuntment who don't practice first get hurt. So do housewives.

I am totally thrilled to pieces with this book. I went to the website, and plan on ordering the DVD, which I believe will be a fantastic addition to my collection of weird religious videos. The Mormon shit is the best. In fact, as a general rule, whenever I start to think I might really like a fella, I show him my 80's Mormon video to see if he finds it hilarious or not. Because if he doesn't, it's so over.

Oh, and by the way, I just checked out the site for the Watchtower Society (you know, the Jehovahs?)... and I found out that you can request a home bible study! How funny would it be if you were really mad at someone and then as retaliation sent the Jehovah's Witnesses to their house?

Monday, September 22, 2008

I can die now.

A link to my blog! In Susie Bright's blog's sidebar thingy! Seriously. I can totally die now. I feel like reciting the Oscar speech I had practiced when I was 11. I think it might be some kind of automated reciprocating thing... but still. I'm totally plotzing.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

This week in Savage Love... Penthouse Forum meets Pasolini

Oh, honestly now...

Ok, besides the fact that he starts off condemning some girl as a total prude for being surprised that some dude tells her he wants to shove his balls in her vadge while they're making out... which, jeez- can you blame her? It's not something you hear every day, or necessarily even know how it would work (I'm still a little fuzzy)- and it's just ridiculous and sexist to act like a girl who doesn't want to go along with every fetish a guy has is a horrible, judgemental person....

The third one down? The one about the party in Paris and the Spanish girl and the unlubricated anal sex in the party igloo? Totally made up. SO made up. This is how you tell someone is lying- too many freakin' unnecessary details. And he's not even really asking for advice, he just wants to put that out there and probably jerk off to it later. Which is fine for him, except that Dan Savage looks a little ridic going off on what a "tramp" said imaginary Spanish girl is, and how terrible of her it is to not be humiliated over a thing that didn't actually happen.

Seriously, tell me I'm wrong.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Captain Save a Bitch (magazine)!

It seems that my favorite magazine, Bitch, is having some financial issues, and if they don't raise $40,000 by October 15th, they could go the way of Punk Planet. It would totally break my heart if this happened, so, if you can find it in your heart and wallet, please contribute a few bucks to the cause.

I've donated 25 bucks, which is about all I can do at the moment, but I plan to see if I can collect donations at the next Sunday Night Sex Show. Even if you aren't a reader of Bitch, show your love for independent, non-profit media by donating what you can!

Thanks so so much!

What's the difference between the Today Show and Cosmo?

Not lipstick. Not much, actually, because an article featuring this exact same advice was featured in this month's Cosmo- along with the usual advice about new and exciting things to do to your man's taint (so not even joking about this.)

What? Like I don't have enough to do? What do you want from me, body language experts? Like, am I supposed to jump out and say "Ha! You're stressed! You're tugging your collar! I read that in Cosmo and saw it on the Today show so it must be true!" or "Oh my god! You love me! I just caught you pointing your belly button at me! I'm totally gonna go pick out bridesmaids dresses now!" or am I supposed to spend hours with my friends analyzing what some dude meant by the way he shrugged? What if the guy is just itchy because he's allergic to his fabric softener?

True story- Some dude once got all huffy at me in a bar because my pupils did not dilate while he was talking to me. He said that this meant that I was not interested in him/ attracted to him (which was true, but he probably could have also guessed that by the fact that my eyes were not only undilated, but also rolling)- and he, of course- being a weird drunk guy- demanded to know why. And I, of course, being me, excused myself to go to the ladies room and never came back. The End. The moral of the story? Analyzing people's body language makes you look like a total weirdo.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Horrifying discovery!

Robyn + updo + glasses= Sarah Palin.

Which of course resulted in my walking around trying to talk in that Fargo accent, which of course sounded exactly like an Irish brogue.

It could be useful as a halloween costume. Oh my god! Speaking of halloween costumes... I heard recently that last year, some dude copied my Sylvia Plath costume (with the oven on my head) that I did two years ago. Can I sue? I haven't decided what it's going to be this year. Jen thinks I should definitely do Sarah Palin and carry around a baby, a gun and a coathanger. I'm still trying to figure out how to do Frances Farmer without losing an eye from the icepick...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The best thing since the hairdresser song!

I defy you to not rock out to this, just a little bit. His lip movements alone are blowing my mind. Jesus is like a Mountie? Really? I am sold! And the band is called "Sonseed!" What is that about? I mean, sperm, obviously- but why?

I think I am safe in saying, however, that this is the single greatest thing that has ever existed.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Let's just talk about small town values for a sec here.

Every single time I hear some idiot republican start going on and on about "small town values"... I want to punch a wall. Seriously.

Republicans like to talk about small towns like they're these magical Capra-esque places, filled with only people who are magically decent-licious. Unlike big cities where we're all kniving assholes, out to get all we can- or something like that. I've seen Mr. Deeds Goes To Town. I know what they're thinking.

It's amazing to me that "small town people" are presented as being more trustworthy than people in cities, because if there was anything that taught me not to trust people, it was the time I spent living in a small town in Massachusetts. It taught me that if you are vulnerable for two seconds, it will bite you in the ass. When I moved to Rochester, finally, I thought at first that everyone who was friendly to me was doing it as a joke, and that as soon as I was friendly back, they'd laugh at me for falling for it. Which is exactly what happened to me myriad times in that trustworthy small town.

It's amazing to me that small town people are presented as being warmer and friendlier than city people. Because I have never had to eat lunch alone in a bathroom stall in a city because no one would sit with me. And sure, in a small town, everyone knows your name- but it doesn't mean they're going to talk to you- except, of course, in the case of screaming racial epithets at you on the bus because it upsets you (yes, it happens in Massachusetts).

It's amazing to me that they act as though people in small towns have better morals than people in cities. I can't think of a more important moral than being kind to people- and if anything, I think the main reason I was targeted was because I wasn't afraid to be stand up for other kids who were getting picked on. And let me tell you, I don't want to brag- but the one thing I am proud of is that they never, ever took that away from me- they never got to me on that one- I did it right up until my last breath in that small town, and I did it with every ounce of vitriol in my being. And I have a lot of vitriol when it comes to that shit.

Since then, I've lived in more "citified" places, and have never had that kind of trouble with anyone- and have found people to be much, much kinder and more decent, and more upstanding, etc. etc. And while I'm not saying that every small town on earth is filled with that sort of people- or even that everyone there was like that- it probably just seemed like it at the time because those people were the stronger personalities and other kids were afraid of them- I just think it's unfair to go and paint cities with the evil brush and small towns with the good brush, when that has most certainly not been everyone's experience.

With that said, I've never met anyone who wasn't dying to get the hell out of a small town, so what does that say?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I don't lose arguments, let me tell you why

Amongst other things the supposed left-wing media could learn from me (and by that I mean leftist blogs and pundits, not the general media- which if you ask me, leans to the right)- is how to win an argument. I am an unbelievably frustrating person, insofar as you will never, ever win an argument with me. It may occasionally be a tie, if you're good- but you won't win. Why?

1. Always stick to facts. Actual facts, and then only those that you can back up with evidence and research.

2. Steer clear of ad hominem attacks. Attack the issue, not the person. Ad hominem attacks are the last resort of those who are unsure of their position.

3. Don't say anything out loud unless you are absolutely certain of it being true.

4. Insist that your opponent back their shit up with actual evidence/research/details. Or say anything along the lines of "some people say"- demand to know who those people are, specifically. Considering the fact that most people talk out of their asses, this is where you usually win.

5. Don't argue using previous personal experiences, stories you have heard, or legends others have told. Avoid strawman arguments. If you say anything someone can easily poke a hole in, you have pretty much already lost.

6. Stay absolutely, totally, completely, nerve-rackingly calm. Always let them be the ones to get histrionic. Whenever they do get histrionic, start talking even more quietly and calmly. This is where pundits fail.

7. Don't make sweeping statements. If they make a sweeping statement, say, like "Women are bad drivers"- the logical follow up to that is "Have you been in a car with every woman on earth?" The answer is obviously no, which negates their argument. If they say it's a statistical thing, (I just mean in general! Most women are bad drivers), of course, mention that men pay higher insurance rates and get into more fatal accidents than women do.

8. Ask questions that demand a specific answer. For instance, if debating abortion- before you let them expound upon the sanctity of life and life beginning at conception, ask them what they think would be an appropriate punishment for a teenage girl who had an illegal abortion. Very rarely do they have an actual answer for this. If there is, the follow up question is naturally something along the line of "would it be fair that women with money would be able to go to other countries to get one safely and legally, but that poor women would be subject to possibly unsafe abortions and [whatever legal ramifications suggested].

9. Avoid any and all logical fallacies.

10. Don't argue emotion, intuition, or gut feelings. I actually once had an argument with a girl who insisted that the original purpose of WWII was to defeat Hitler, and when I told her that, well, no- our main goal was to stop Japan from becoming too powerful and actually when people tried to come here to escape Hitler and told us what was going on over there, we sent them right back because well, America was actually pretty anti-semetic in those days... insisted that this couldn't be true because her grandfather had fought in WWII and to say that was an insult to his memory. I can't even get into the myriad reasons that was ridiculous (especially since pretty much all of our grandfathers fought in that war)- but you can't win an argument based on things you "feel" are true. Unless you're Steven Colbert.

That's pretty much it. It's not the most complicated thing in the world. I learned to argue from my mother, who is freakin' brilliant at it. We'd make either really fabulous talking heads, or annoy the crap out of everyone. Still, I think the so-called left would be much better off following our rules rather than going off on these tangents.

It's just not the way to go...

Once upon a time, when I was a bit more active in my activism, I had a massive disillusionment. See, because I made the startling discovery that supposedly progressive men were just as likely to be sexist, misogynistic, and chauvinistic as other men. And quite honestly, a lot worse some of the time, because they thought they were somehow exempt from it because of their generally leftist beliefs. They'd brush off any accusations of sexism by stating that feminism was just an issue for "middle class white women."

This is what is going to get the Democrats in trouble- the whole thinking they're exempt thing. See, the Republicans were smart... I hate to say it, but it's true.

Sarah Palin wasn't selected because they thought that women who supported Clinton were going to turn around and vote for her just because she happens to be a woman. She was selected because the Republicans knew they'd go after her with the same sexist shit they used on Clinton, and that then they'd be able to turn it around and use it against them. Which, you know, is exactly what they're doing.

No one seems to be discussing her horrifying environmental policies, the fact that she's anti-choice, her ridiculous positions on health care... nope. They're too busy calling her a blow-up doll, critiquing her abilities as a mother, and making comments about her looks.

Instead of harping on the fact that she *has* an pregnant teenage daughter, why not, uh, mention the fact that she cut funding for pregnant teens? Wouldn't that make just a little bit more sense?

Obama's "lipstick on a pig" comment was just stupid. It was just stupid on any level. If he didn't mean it to refer to her (and quite honestly, I think he did, especially as it was followed up by the old fish in newspaper comment- which obviously referred to McCain. I'm just going to say it.), then both he and his staff are um, not thinking very clearly if they didn't think it would be interpreted that way. It was very dude-ish. It was very "I'm going to say something totally horrible to you and then act surprised when you're offended by it and swear to god you're taking it the wrong way." Every woman on earth knows that trick.

If the supposed Left were smart, they'd focus on the issues and stay away from the sexist shit, which, I promise you, is NOT GOING TO HELP. It's just not. Let them be the sexists! Let them be the assholes.

But, of course, no one ever listens to me. I'm just a woman.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Robyn's Commercial Mystery Hour

Ok, so every time that Boost Mobile commercial comes on (you know, the one with the three guys rapping?)- which is often because apparently they sponsor the FearNet, and we watch a lot of horror movies here at The Maxi Pad- I freak out about the last guy in the commercial with the incredibly bizarre, plasticky looking face.

So, eventually (as in yesterday), I look him up. Because I need a closer look at his face. I google "'That dude' Boost Mobile commercial"- and find out that he is in fact Mickey Avalon, and he actually does stuff other than commercials for cell phone companies. Stuff which includes the "My Dick" song....

Which was the inspiration for my favorite thing ever, Margaret Cho's "My Puss" song. Which I think I've already posted here like, 50,000 times. It's that glorious.

See how everything comes full circle? Now, with that success (?) under my belt, I decided I was ready to discover the identity of my old nemesis, the "free credit report dot com" guy (I'm feeling very Nancy Drew this morning)...

I've had nightmares. I've gone four days without being able to get that "F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com baby" song out of my head. I hate his smug face and his lies (truly- like, jen signed up, and it's free at first, but then they charge you 14 bucks a month and when you try to cancel it you can't get a hold of anyone, and they stick you with a virus that charges you twice). I hate the fact that nothing I can do will stop him from singing those awful songs. I think sometimes that if I just give up and go to the stupid website that it'll stop. You know, like when some drunk dude starts trying to convince you that you and he are totally soul mates, and eventually you just say "Yeah, ok, fine, we're soulmates, whatever." so he'll shut up and move on to bothering the next chick? It won't work like that! There is nothing I can do! Nothing will stop this man from torturing me with his horrid jingles! But still... I'm curious.

So I look him up. As it turns out, his name is Eric Violette, and he doesn't even sing the songs- it's dubbed over! It's like the fucking Beijing Olympics thing! Like, apparently, they thought this guy was so awesome looking/ such an awesome actor, and that the other guy was such a good singer, that they combined them. What the cock is that shit?

Also, I have found his myspace, and, unsurprisingly, he does not seem to have much to say about life, other than that which involves getting free credit reports.

Mysteries solved.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Rebel with a hymen?

The VMA's were on last night, in case you didn't know. I didn't watch them- the ladies and I watched two creepy kid beauty pageant documentaries on the learning channel instead. Which of course was way more awesome. But anyway, I woke up this morning to read a bunch of crap about how Russell Brand made fun of The Jonas Brothers' special special purity rings, and how Jordin Sparks got up there and told him right off by saying: "I just wanna say, it's not bad to wear a promise ring, because not every guy and girl wants to be a slut, OK?" and then the audience cheered.

Yeah, stick it to the man!

Christ. I swear to god, that is the most irritating sentence I have read in quite some time- basically because it translates as this "Don't judge me for wearing a symbol of my parents' creepy over-interest in my sex life on my finger! The fact that you don't wear one makes you a dirty, dirty whore!"

Ugh. I don't get it. I especially don't get all the commentary about how she's being so "subversive and edgy." I also didn't get straight edge kids or christian punk. It's a thing I have. Shit, I feel like that would be like me saying "Yeah, bitch! I'm going to go read some Jane Austen and then bake a pie! Take that, establishment! Yeah, maybe I'll even crochet some scarves while watching Turner Classic Movies! Can you handle that? Am I totally blowing your mind here with my awesome edgyness?"

I am cool with the things I choose to do not being cool. I will rock no one's face with a recitation of The Lady of Shallot, and I completely accept that.

The mere act of doing something that not everyone else on earth does is not necessarily an act of rebellion. It is not necessarily subversive- especially when it is, in fact, what "the man" wants you to do.*

*Sorry- just spent a week with my mom. I'm going to be referring to "the man" and "the establishment" a lot for a bit. She rubs off on me.