I Am Not The Captain In Charge Of Male Virtue Protection

So, Elizabeth Edwards was on Oprah yesterday talking about John Edwards infidelity- I didn't see it, because I don't watch Oprah- but I saw this clip on Jez, wherein she basically puts all the blame on the woman he cheated on her with.

Isn't that always the way? Now, I can understand that she's pissed- but I'm so not down with this whole idea that women are supposed to be the sacred guardians of men's moral compasses or any shit like that. This totally reminds me of how I used to get in trouble in class for things the boys got away with. Double standards= ick. I'm sorry, but it's up to the person who made the commitment to uphold it, not someone who doesn't know your ass. Really, when the situation is turned around, it's not like people get all "Oh my god, how could he do that to another man! He's so evil! Evil evil evil! He's just scum!" about things- no, they're just like "Yeah, he was a dude. He wanted to get some. Big shocker." And even if he is blamed a little, he's hardly going to be villified to the degree a woman is. It's just not the same level of "evil." Evil in men is violence. In woman it's sexuality.

I think there are a couple reasons for this- things that go back to the Bible and Greek myths and all that other shit. I don't especially feel like going into them at this time- but there are a shit ton of stories involving vaginas being the fall of empires and such.

This is all kind of a sore-ish subject for me, to be honest. I'm pretty much on the verge of becoming a political lesbian- mostly because this whole "Oh, you're evil!"/ "Oh, I feel like such a bad person for liking you!" followed by the inevitable "Wow, hanging out with you has totally helped me find myself, and realize that what I really do want in life is the whole Horatio Alger/Norman Rockwell dream" thing is really starting to piss me the fuck off. Like, it's just not cute anymore. It's the same thing, over and over and over again. Blechh. I'm so not evil. I'm probably more fiercely devoted to my own moral code than anyone you could meet, so there.

I've also always attracted quite a bit of attention from men who are not exactly single. I have no interest in this, not because of any moral compunctions so much as they tend to be really annoying as people. Like, seriously, they tend to be looking for free therapy more often than not. Plus, I have no interest in the tales of your very delicate girlfriend whom you aren't exactly in love with but cannot bear to break the heart of by breaking up with her. Because she'd die without you. Ew. They just tend to think they're way more awesome than I think they are, and I find that irritating.

Funny story though, I'm far less suited for that sort of thing than one would think- mostly because I've got a mouth, balls of steel, and have a tendency towards vendettas. This one time, I'd been seeing this dude- did not know he had a girlfriend, but he did. Of two years. I thought I was probably too good for him to begin with, and I pretty much avoided him after that because he just wasn't worth the drama. Besides, I hate dishonesty. Still, dude wouldn't leave me alone- because he thought we were soulmates, and it was driving me up the damned wall.

SO... one day I see him out at this bar with his now fiancee (yeah, because by then they were totally engaged. Ha!), and I acted all super friendly and pretended I didn't know that they were together, and so I whipped out my cell phone and did this whole "Oh my gosh, you would not believe the messages this guy sends me! Hilarious! But seriously, I'm worried for my pet rabbit!" schtick right in front of him. And I promise you, the messages were rather special. I am hilarious. What else would I do? Protect him? Leave the bar? Go into a corner and feel awkward? Please. I have one rule- if someone in a room has to feel like shit, I'm going to make damn sure it isn't me.

Ok, I'm done kvetching. I leave you with my favorite song about affairs and whatnot:



Seriously, favorite thing ever.

I don't know whether to make a joke about bikini waxing or spinsterhood here.

Make your own connection, the possibilities are endless. And probably disturbing.

Pride and Prejudice

For the past two weeks, I have harbored a strange and bizarre craving. I kept thinking about it, and thinking about it, and finally I gave in.

I bought a copy of Pride and Prejudice. Which I have read before, along with all the other Jane Austen stuff when I was a kid staying at my Nana's house- mostly because, well, it was there. I don't remember anything but thinking that Mr. Darcy was quite dreamy... probably because I was like, 10 at the time- and I'm guessing that most of it didn't sink in. It's entirely possible that it did, though, on some subconscious level. Because- like, I fucking love it when I think someone is, at first, the most awful person ever, and then have them turn out not to be. It makes my life. I like being surprised. In that way, at least. I much prefer it to the opposite situation, which, unfortunately, is a bit more prevalent.

But if there is anything that makes you feel like a lame-o, it's reading Jane Austen on the bus. Especially when you notice that one part of your skirt that you forgot to attack with the lint brush. And you realize that you're like, that chick. The chick who has some cats and is reading Jane Austen.

Yeah, the guy said honey... you're a funny girl....

(I apologize in advance for the disjointedness of this post)

Bette Davis, Dorothy Parker, Isadora Duncan, Katherine Hepburn... darlings, I am in more than fabulous company. Unlike men, women are generally single because they are "too much" rather than "not enough." It's why you buy us drinks when you first meet us- in hopes that we will be able to be intoxicated enough to overlook the fact that really, you're no great shakes.

A girl I know recently told me that her brother said the reason she was single, was because she fit the "strong black woman" stereotype. I was genuinely taken aback to hear that this was supposed to be a bad thing. I cannot possibly think of anything more offensive than to say that being a strong woman of any color is a drawback. But at the same time... I've always been told I'm "intimidating" to men- and generally because of things I like about myself- my verbosity, my height, my ability to hold my own in a debate, the fact that I am generally well read and well informed, and, you know, the whole funny thing.

We all know that Valentines day is a ridiculous hallmark holiday specifically designed to remind us how much we all suck at life.
- I am supposed to feel bad because I am a single lady
-Non-single ladies are supposed to feel bad because their boyfriends didn't do enough
- Dudes are supposed to feel bad because their girlfriends think they didn't do enough

I'm not going to get into that.

You, my friends, will know that I have tired of the single life when I start taking Thorazine. Why?
A) Men will bore me less, and perhaps I might suddenly find fart jokes to be explicitly hilarious
B) I will be boring and somewhat brain dead myself, and thus more attractive to potential suitors, ie: less intimidating.
C) It will make me seem mentally disturbed, which will totally result in my being Scarlett eating barbecue under the oak tree.

Now, obviously, I am filled with seething contempt for Christopher Hitchens, particularly after last months Vanity Fair article about how women aren't funny (if you haven't read it, you can do so here). It made me throw things. For real. However, I will grant him one point- men... not so fond of funny women. I know this from experience. Women who think *they* are funny, yes, but not women who are competition in that department. I am reasonably sure that I know why most men have dated me- most of these reasons being either:
a) In the long run, I am cheaper than therapy or self-help seminars (Date me for a week, and you will be healed and ready to start loving psychopaths again! Satisfaction guaranteed!), or
b) I have a nice rack.
Funny has never even entered into it.

I mean, let's be honest- I don't even halfway expect them to get anything I say. I always have to explain, and then obviously it's no longer funny. I rely on my girlfriends to get my jokes. Who, by the way are each individually more hilarious than all the heterosexual men within my acquaintance combined (Or, actually, just the ones in Chicago. I know lots and lots of hilarious men from NY, but not here so much. Maybe I was just there longer and thus able to cultivate such an acquaintance, or maybe it's a regional thing, I don't know.). Yet, I can't tell you the number of times we have all heard that we are funny, smart, well read... for a girl- despite the fact that we generally trump them in these qualities.

Like my lady Dorothy Parker (who Hitchens sacrilegiously dared to say was not funny) once said:
“I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen....”

It's true. Now, I'm neither beautiful nor brilliant, but I am rather easy on the eyes and quite clever. And I have to say, in any situation- I will take being clever, and having the ability to crack myself up, than giving that up to suit the needs of insecure men. I have always been able to entertain myself better than they have anyhow, darlings.

Also- I cannot even begin to discuss the myriad ways Mr. Catface is better than almost any man I have been with. He never wants to have "talks"- he doesn't get personally offended when I pet other cats, he doesn't expect me to be jealous when someone else pets him and then get irritable when I'm not, and frankly, he just has more to say about life.