Score one for lips, tits, and hips?

Kind of! According to some random study, men who do not find curvier/hourglass figured women more attractive than straight-up-and-down types, are more likely to father autistic children. This, apparently, is becase women with a waist-to-hip ratio of 70% have optimal estrogen levels and are thus less susceptible to major diseases. I'm not sure how that makes sense though, but I will take compliments where I can get them. However, according to this other study, we're a dying breed. Get it while you can, fellas.

Now, while the first study is definitely suspect, that doesn't mean that I won't secretly be thinking "Good luck with your autistic babies!" should I for some reason get thrown over for a lady who neglected to develop secondary sex characteristics. My inner monologue is a total bitch.

Oh, but for reals, the actual best thing about being super tall and having hips and a huge rack is that I'm pretty much a huge turn-off to closeted pedophiles. This is totally where I win.

Were sluts and feminists responsible for V.Tech shootings...

Duh!

(oh, also check out this post at Echidne of the Snakes for more of Camille Paglia's ridiculousness)

I don't even know where to begin. It's kind of extra special that she quotes Camille Paglia (Well known for her feelings on circumstances where women "deserve" rape, and how feminists refuse to understand how rape and gang rape can be "fun" for men")

I find that this is not an unpopular sentiment. I wrote a piece once- a letter to a man who had hollered at me from his car, and when I ignored him, he pulled over, then got out of the car and screamed "I just want to talk to you! Come back here! You fucking bitch!"- and a lot of the criticism I heard from that was very similar to this article. That "this poor guy" just wanted to talk to me, and that I shouldn't have been so cold to him. Now, I was pretty horrified to hear that. First of all, because we learn as kids not to get into anyone's car, and that talking to strangers is probably not the best idea. I've also had a number of stalkers, which I've written about quite a bit. And the scariest thing about that, is that I always end up hearing the "Oh, the poor guy! He just liked you and didn't know how to go about it!" line.

This is wrong. There is this "I am a man. If I want a woman I should be able to drag her by her hair into my cave" mentality among men that doesn't seem to be going away. Even on a conscious level, there are a lot of men who cannot seem to grasp this concept:

1. Women have a right to not like you, date you, or fuck you.
2. Women have a right to like, date and fuck men who are not you.
3. Women have a right to be attractive or sexy- which you may find appealing- and still, they don't have to like, date, or fuck you.
4. You do not have the right to fuck any woman you want, because she has a goddamned say in the matter.

It's not that hard. But I think they're socialized to think that. I mean, hypothetically, say there's some guy who I liked who doesn't like me back, I wouldn't get all vicious call him a cold-hearted asshole. That wouldn't be my first instinct- I would probably say "Man, that's a sucky situation." But if some guy likes me and I'm not interested? I am a mean, selfish, cold-hearted bitch- and of course, a whore because there are other men I am interested in. This, I think, is the primary root of misogyny. (Some) Men believe that women deny them a basic human right by not doing them, and as a result, they have the right to act violently against us.

Fuck that shit.

Myspace Survey Question Turns Into Essay...

DO YOU TAKE COMPLIMENTS WELL?

No. No I don't. Because, quite frankly, I think most people are completely full of shit. I also see ulterior motives in just about everything.

Like for instance, this one time I'm at this bar, right? And I'm talking to this guy and he gets all "Oooh... you have really perfect skin, are you wearing face make-up or anything or is it just like that naturally? Can I touch your face?" So, you know, I just got the fuck up out of there. Sure, some people would see it as a harmless compliment, just a guy being nice. But I know the truth. He wanted to cut my skin off and wear it around the house. However, he would have been in for quite the disappointment, as I am not in fact a size 12.

At the same time, I have always been wary of any guy who compliments my shoes just a little too much. Because, if he's not gay, he's probably a foot fetishist. And yeah- I read Dan Savage. I know all about that "Dump an honest foot fetishist and marry a dishonest necrophilliac stuff"- but I would really like to have my cake and eat it too on this one. I don't want anyone touching my damned feet. I just don't. And besides, it's not like I'm dumping any foot fetishists- I'm stopping it before it happens. You know what they say- an ounce of prevention...

Now, some dudes just go overboard with the compliments altogether. You know the ones- you've known them for all of five minutes and all of a sudden they start telling you you're the sunshine of their life and also the greatest thing since sliced bread?

That is just so damned offensive. I honestly feel really shocked when anyone honestly thinks I am dumb enough to eat up that amount of bullshit. Now- sure, I'm awesome- it's pretty much a fact. But you have to know me for a reasonable amount of time before you understand that. I'm definitely an acquired taste, in the "George Costanza 'Byyyy... Mennen!'" way. And I'm ok with that. Also, the guy that does this is also the "relationship feigner"- another thing I am deeply offended by. See, because these dudes have the aforementioned (in the previous blog) delusion that every woman secretly wants to marry them. I mean, it's this whole "bwah hah hah! I will pretend I am interested in something more than just getting in your pants in order to get into your pants" thing. And uh, I don't need that shit. Because I don't want to be in a relationship with them. Duh. Because you're full of shit, and I know it, and you know it, but you're not swift enough to know that I know it. Which makes you stupid. And I hate stupid.

Speaking of hating stupid- ok, for some reason a lot of fella's seem to think this is an awesome line/compliment: "Wow, you're like, so much smarter than I am." And you know- while that shit may work on you all... because I know some of you still think dumb is cute... I think it's pretty icky and generally disconcerting. I like people to have more pride than that. I really think that anyone who is intimidated by me must be just the putz of the century. I also think that if I am the smartest person in any given room that we have a very dire situation on our hands and one that ought to be corrected immediately and without further ado.

So no, I do not take compliments well

Why I am about to start throwing things, or... Back the fuck up off my vag.

Ok, I have just absolutely fucking had it. Every single day I read an article or see something on TV about how desperately concerned people are about the "whores." Oh my god they're unmarried! Oh my god they're having sex! Oh my god they're tempting otherwise pure and virginal men with their slutty ways!

And then, today, I turn on the TV and there is Tyra Banks with a special on "Do guys really like promiscuous girls?" (complete with the Nelly Furtado song playing in the background, mind you). So there are all these girls on stage talking about how (oh my god.) they have sex. Tyra acts all concerned. Then, they bring on a bunch of guys who say things like "Yeah, well, we might sleep with you, but we wouldn't want you raising our children and we're not going to respect you" and blah blah blah. Then, they take aside the one girl that was raped when she was younger (because, as we know, women don't fuck because they like it, they do it because they're damaged) and make her cry. Because she's been a whore, but she can repent!

Can I just tell you- I live for the day where they take a bunch of men, throw them on a talk show and express concern for their sexual practices and tell them they're whores- and that what they are doing would be ok if they were women. Oh, and bring a bunch of women on the show too to tell them "Well, I might sleep with you, but I wouldn't want you raising my children and I won't respect you." And then make them cry. I fucking live for it.

I live for the day a teenage boy is taken on a talk-show because he's slept with too many girls.

I live for the article expressing concern about the effect unmarried sex will have on men (other than the "women need to stop being dirty whores so the men can stay pure" argument).

I live for a book called "She's just not that into you." Because man, do I know some fella's who could use that one.

I live to hear about the sex-ed class where girls are asked to raise their hands if they would like to marry a virgin (Yeah, there was an article recently about a sex-ed teacher in Washington who had all the boys in the class raise their hands if they wanted to marry a virgin- and of course they all did. And of course she turned to the girls and said "See!")

I also live for the television show featuring a fat woman and her supermodel husband.

I'm just so, so tired of it. First of all, all this shit contributes to those absurd delusions of grandeur men have about every woman wanting to marry them. Because, let me tell you, there is nothing more irritating and offensive than a guy you can barely tolerate for one night acting as though you're secretly trying to rope him into a lifetime of matrimonial bliss. If anything, in my life, men have always been the ones who get all relationship-y on my commitment-phobic ass- so really, I think this particular idea needs to be put to rest.

There is no longer any reason for women to be so desperately concerned about what men might think of them. I'm sorry, but we no longer live in a world where we cannot survive without them- and hell, we're proving it by *not* marrying them- look at the statistics. It's not their ball game any more. So no- they no longer get their cherished double standard of "men can fuck whomever they want and be "studs" and a woman who does it is dirty whore." Because we're not going along with it any more, no matter how many talkshows there are about it, or how many articles in the National Review. Hah.

Yeah, the guy said honey... you're a funny girl....

(I apologize in advance for the disjointedness of this post)

Bette Davis, Dorothy Parker, Isadora Duncan, Katherine Hepburn... darlings, I am in more than fabulous company. Unlike men, women are generally single because they are "too much" rather than "not enough." It's why you buy us drinks when you first meet us- in hopes that we will be able to be intoxicated enough to overlook the fact that really, you're no great shakes.

A girl I know recently told me that her brother said the reason she was single, was because she fit the "strong black woman" stereotype. I was genuinely taken aback to hear that this was supposed to be a bad thing. I cannot possibly think of anything more offensive than to say that being a strong woman of any color is a drawback. But at the same time... I've always been told I'm "intimidating" to men- and generally because of things I like about myself- my verbosity, my height, my ability to hold my own in a debate, the fact that I am generally well read and well informed, and, you know, the whole funny thing.

We all know that Valentines day is a ridiculous hallmark holiday specifically designed to remind us how much we all suck at life.
- I am supposed to feel bad because I am a single lady
-Non-single ladies are supposed to feel bad because their boyfriends didn't do enough
- Dudes are supposed to feel bad because their girlfriends think they didn't do enough

I'm not going to get into that.

You, my friends, will know that I have tired of the single life when I start taking Thorazine. Why?
A) Men will bore me less, and perhaps I might suddenly find fart jokes to be explicitly hilarious
B) I will be boring and somewhat brain dead myself, and thus more attractive to potential suitors, ie: less intimidating.
C) It will make me seem mentally disturbed, which will totally result in my being Scarlett eating barbecue under the oak tree.

Now, obviously, I am filled with seething contempt for Christopher Hitchens, particularly after last months Vanity Fair article about how women aren't funny (if you haven't read it, you can do so here). It made me throw things. For real. However, I will grant him one point- men... not so fond of funny women. I know this from experience. Women who think *they* are funny, yes, but not women who are competition in that department. I am reasonably sure that I know why most men have dated me- most of these reasons being either:
a) In the long run, I am cheaper than therapy or self-help seminars (Date me for a week, and you will be healed and ready to start loving psychopaths again! Satisfaction guaranteed!), or
b) I have a nice rack.
Funny has never even entered into it.

I mean, let's be honest- I don't even halfway expect them to get anything I say. I always have to explain, and then obviously it's no longer funny. I rely on my girlfriends to get my jokes. Who, by the way are each individually more hilarious than all the heterosexual men within my acquaintance combined (Or, actually, just the ones in Chicago. I know lots and lots of hilarious men from NY, but not here so much. Maybe I was just there longer and thus able to cultivate such an acquaintance, or maybe it's a regional thing, I don't know.). Yet, I can't tell you the number of times we have all heard that we are funny, smart, well read... for a girl- despite the fact that we generally trump them in these qualities.

Like my lady Dorothy Parker (who Hitchens sacrilegiously dared to say was not funny) once said:
“I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen....”

It's true. Now, I'm neither beautiful nor brilliant, but I am rather easy on the eyes and quite clever. And I have to say, in any situation- I will take being clever, and having the ability to crack myself up, than giving that up to suit the needs of insecure men. I have always been able to entertain myself better than they have anyhow, darlings.

Also- I cannot even begin to discuss the myriad ways Mr. Catface is better than almost any man I have been with. He never wants to have "talks"- he doesn't get personally offended when I pet other cats, he doesn't expect me to be jealous when someone else pets him and then get irritable when I'm not, and frankly, he just has more to say about life.