(I apologize in advance for the disjointedness of this post)
Bette Davis, Dorothy Parker, Isadora Duncan, Katherine Hepburn... darlings, I am in more than fabulous company. Unlike men, women are generally single because they are "too much" rather than "not enough." It's why you buy us drinks when you first meet us- in hopes that we will be able to be intoxicated enough to overlook the fact that really, you're no great shakes.
A girl I know recently told me that her brother said the reason she was single, was because she fit the "strong black woman" stereotype. I was genuinely taken aback to hear that this was supposed to be a bad thing. I cannot possibly think of anything more offensive than to say that being a strong woman of any color is a drawback. But at the same time... I've always been told I'm "intimidating" to men- and generally because of things I like about myself- my verbosity, my height, my ability to hold my own in a debate, the fact that I am generally well read and well informed, and, you know, the whole funny thing.
We all know that Valentines day is a ridiculous hallmark holiday specifically designed to remind us how much we all suck at life.
- I am supposed to feel bad because I am a single lady
-Non-single ladies are supposed to feel bad because their boyfriends didn't do enough
- Dudes are supposed to feel bad because their girlfriends think they didn't do enough
I'm not going to get into that.
You, my friends, will know that I have tired of the single life when I start taking Thorazine. Why?
A) Men will bore me less, and perhaps I might suddenly find fart jokes to be explicitly hilarious
B) I will be boring and somewhat brain dead myself, and thus more attractive to potential suitors, ie: less intimidating.
C) It will make me seem mentally disturbed, which will totally result in my being Scarlett eating barbecue under the oak tree.
Now, obviously, I am filled with seething contempt for Christopher Hitchens, particularly after last months Vanity Fair article about how women aren't funny (if you haven't read it, you can do so here). It made me throw things. For real. However, I will grant him one point- men... not so fond of funny women. I know this from experience. Women who think *they* are funny, yes, but not women who are competition in that department. I am reasonably sure that I know why most men have dated me- most of these reasons being either:
a) In the long run, I am cheaper than therapy or self-help seminars (Date me for a week, and you will be healed and ready to start loving psychopaths again! Satisfaction guaranteed!), or
b) I have a nice rack.
Funny has never even entered into it.
I mean, let's be honest- I don't even halfway expect them to get anything I say. I always have to explain, and then obviously it's no longer funny. I rely on my girlfriends to get my jokes. Who, by the way are each individually more hilarious than all the heterosexual men within my acquaintance combined (Or, actually, just the ones in Chicago. I know lots and lots of hilarious men from NY, but not here so much. Maybe I was just there longer and thus able to cultivate such an acquaintance, or maybe it's a regional thing, I don't know.). Yet, I can't tell you the number of times we have all heard that we are funny, smart, well read... for a girl- despite the fact that we generally trump them in these qualities.
Like my lady Dorothy Parker (who Hitchens sacrilegiously dared to say was not funny) once said:
“I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen....”
It's true. Now, I'm neither beautiful nor brilliant, but I am rather easy on the eyes and quite clever. And I have to say, in any situation- I will take being clever, and having the ability to crack myself up, than giving that up to suit the needs of insecure men. I have always been able to entertain myself better than they have anyhow, darlings.
Also- I cannot even begin to discuss the myriad ways Mr. Catface is better than almost any man I have been with. He never wants to have "talks"- he doesn't get personally offended when I pet other cats, he doesn't expect me to be jealous when someone else pets him and then get irritable when I'm not, and frankly, he just has more to say about life.