Confessional: The Fellas

I started working on this list the other day whilst on break at work. If nothing else, I find it entertaining and cathartic. It's basically a list of confessions regarding various dudes over the span of my life. I am sometimes an asshole, especially since many of these things apply to several instances.

• It's not that I wanted to "wait" because I thought you were special. I just didn't want to sleep with you because your eyes were kind of yellowy and I thought you might have the hepetitis. It was either that or you were perhaps an albino. I was entirely unsure.
• I'm sorry I told my girlfriends your shit was deformed, but really, you should not have gone around bragging.
• I did not really have to go to church. In fact, I am an athiest.
• I only dated you because you were so enthusiastic about me
• I mostly dated you to spite a girl who hated me and had a crush on you- primarily because she told you to stay away from me because I'd like, crush your soul with my badness.
• I'm sorry I acted like you were stupid.
• I actually liked your friend.
• I thought your writing was painfully cheesy. Like, nails on a chalkboard, total ladybonerkiller cheesy.
• I didn't forgive you for something stupid because it was a good excuse to stop seeing you.
• I thought your tattoo was absolutely moronic.
• I went for the jugular because I needed a clean break.
• The primary reason I was hanging out with you is because I was feeling lazy, and I was so out of your league that I didn't feel like I had to bother with make-up and such.
• You used to be my "the one that got away," but now I am yours and I'm rather smug about it.
• I did not invite you upstairs after our date because another dude was coming over.
• Even though I still wake up every morning with your name on my lips, it's only force of habit now and doesn't mean anything.
• I did not think you were all that funny.
• I used to put the phone down while you were talking, make coffee, and then come back and pretend I was listening.
• I am reasonably sure that you are still in love with me.
• If I had not been a good friend to a bad friend, things might have been different
• My mom said you looked like an unhealthy goat.
• I met your girlfriend in the bathroom at a bar, and now understand why you are always grabbing at my ass. She was thoroughly unpleasant.
• I did not go out with you again because you sent me a myspace message full of spelling errors and internet abbreviations, and I just couldn't find you attractive anymore after that.
• It annoyed the crap out of me that you pretended to be like, totally hip to that whole feminist thing I got goin' on, when in fact you understood it less than any carfone I could name.
• I only went out with you because I was pretty sure it would be a good story later.
• I sincerely think you are the biggest coward I've ever met in my life.
• I was not half as impressed with you as you imagined I was.
• I tried so hard not to be shallow, but I failed. I'm sorry.
• I told my friends that if I were to continue dating you, I'd have to convince you to dye your hair.
• You were way too old for that shit.
• I really, really liked you- you wore neat jackets and you memorized and recited my favorite poem to me in the original French, which was maybe the most amazing thing ever, but I couldn't date you because my friend liked you first and had asked me to help hook her up with you. I am probably a putz.
• I partially started dating you because while I thought you were super dishy, I didn't think you were smart enough for me to get attached to or to figure out how to hurt me. I was wrong on all accounts.
• I wasn't there that night. Not physically anyway. I didn't have the balls at the time, but my brain walked out in a huff for me.
• It totally wasn't going to happen.
• I guess the thing I was most offended by was your lack of taste. Because in case you didn't notice, I am awesome and hilarious and generally rather attractive, whereas whatsherface clearly sucked at life and had no style and brought nothing to the table except maybe being more of a mealy mouthed wimp and looking more like she had fetal alcohol syndrome than I do, if you think of that as a good thing. In what world, seriously? (Not that I'm bitter.)
• I never expected any more from you than I would from my friends. Unfortunately for you, my friends are awesomely bad ass.
• I wasn't Catholic, I wasn't a virgin, and I wasn't going to stay home and make you gravy all day. I don't know what made you think that, other than my ethnic make-up.

Oh, Cosmo

- "A Cougar Stole my Man!"- Harrowing tales of chicks who were dumped for older chicks who were super tan and did a lot of botox. Or, um, not so much dumped for as the guy started doing one after the break-up. Plus tips on how you can, uh, prevent this from happening by being more like a cougar. Not really sure on what to take from this- I mean, shit, if that's what the dude wants, then let him go and get it. What do you care? I mean, generally, post dating me, most dudes go in one of two directions

1. The blatantly, horrifically, gasp-inducingly hideous. I'm not talking just in a sour grapes, "oh I'm cuter than she is anyway" way, or that the girl was just sort of "eh" looking, or just not traditionally attractive- and not that there's anything wrong with not being aesthetically pleasing... It's just that it happens to be an objective fact that many of the girls that guys have dated after dating me have born a striking physical similarity to Jo-Jo the dogfaced boy. I don't know why this is. I think maybe they want someone who will be more grateful to be with them or something. That's my only guess.

2. Robyn-lite! A chick who kind of looks like me, and has some vaguely similar attribute (ie: being from the same state, liking the same movies or music or whatever), but is usually rather dimunitive in stature and not so much of a smart-ass.

And you know, I really don't feel as though I can really learn anything from these chicks. I'm ok with not belonging in a sideshow, and I doubt that being more demure would add anything positive to my life. I mean, I'm the one who has to hang around me more than anyone. I would say that if someone terrible "steals your man"- he's probably not someone you really want all that much to begin with.

- "Am I Normal Down There?"- When I read this out loud to Jen, she said "In Australia?" That is all.

- The Surprising Touch That Whips a Guy on Date #1- Did you know it involves reading his palm?

- Guy Sexy vs. Girl Sexy!- When you go out with your girlfriends you should wear fake eyelashes so you stand out and look cuter than they do, but you shouldn't wear them with a dude because it will weird him out.

- Best Celebrity Scent ever! Unscripted by Patrick Dempsey! For Avon! Huh? I'm not sure if it's for men, or for women, or what. But, really- what?

- Fashion hints! The look for fall, clearly, is a fedora, with a sweater, and then just underwear. Wear it while casually arching your back on your bed while no one else is in the room. Also- cardigans and underwear. Seriously, just forget pants altogether.

- Lessons learned: If you want to look hot in the morning after you do some guy, keep one plastic bag of cotton balls doused with make-up remover, and another filled with cotton balls doused with witch hazel (to soothe beard burn and degrease your roots!). Oh, and don't forget the liquid brightener! Seriously, what kind of people are this prepared?

Also featured- lots of really boring sex tips along the lines of "dudes like blowjobs! Did you know?" and tying your pantyhose around his dick or something. Ew. Who the fuck wears pantyhose anymore?

Things that are good vs. Things that suck. A booze infused list I will probably delete when sober

Good things:

1. Two eggs, over easy, wheat toast, hashbrowns and sausage links. Right now, I can promise you that this is the most importantly good thing ever.

2. Mr. Catface being absolutely delightful.

3. The episode of Fantasy Island I am about to watch.

4. Writing in a bar.

5. Chocolate! I hope to find some in my apartment! I should have gone to Dominicks and purchased tiramisu before they closed. Alas.

6. Closure.

7. The awesome list of ways not to get murdered I wrote today, based upon my watching far too many true crime shows. I'm pretty safe, as I do not jog, I didn't marry my highschool sweetheart or anyone with the last name Peterson, no one would describe me as the All American Girl Next Door with a charmed life who smiles all the time and goes about lighting up rooms with her zeal for life, I have no Sears Portrait Studio pictures of myself donning a floral bib dress and an 80's bouffant, and I would not describe any of my neighbors as people who are quiet and keep to themselves mostly.

8. The most amazing episode of Intervention, ever, is now on the OnDemand thing. The huffing episode with the girl who feels like she's "walkin' on sunshine!" It's so, so disturbing, and yet I cannot turn away.

Bad things:

1. Camille Paglia

2. Dudes that I used to date or see or whatever being painfully, gag me with a spoon, jaw droppingly cheeseball-esque human beings. I tell you, it's absolutely painful, and it kinda makes me feel embarassed to be alive.

3. Tucker Max

4. Having to sit still for too long. I'm not so good at it.

5. The fact that no one seemed to want to be out tonight, when I was way too hyper to go home.

6. The guy who said earlier "what's a gal like you doing in a place like this?" I really wanted to punch him. A lot. More than you could possibly know. Like, A) dude, we are not in the country, and I most certainly do not appreciate being referred to as a gal anymore than you would like being referred to as a motherfucking redneck douchenozzle, and b) Really? You actually said that? Out loud? With the intention of my hearing you? What's next? Asking me what my sign is? Or if I come here often? Oy.

7. The fact that I cannot foresee myself remembering to take off my makeup tonight. And the fact that I didn't finish hanging up my laundry today, and thus will have to remove things from my bed in order to sleep. Sigh.

The Way To Happiness (Did you know it's Scientology?)

Ok, so some mysterious person dropped off a Scientology pamphlet at the store called "The Way to Happiness," and let me tell you- it is absolutely glorious! Glorious! I don't think anything has made me this ecstatically happy since I found One-Arm Juanita, my weird dancing lady lamp that doesn't work (it's the simple things in life, really).


Here are some things I learned!


1. If one does not survive, no joy and happiness are unattainable (So... death is not in fact a dance party? I've been misled!)

2. You are well within your rights to insist that people bathe regularly and wash their hands.

3. Suggest to others that they preserve their teeth.

4. A "feeling of guilt" is nowhere near as sharp as a knife in the back or ground glass in the soup (why you should be faithful to your "sexual partner"- which, I think, in Scientology is a lot like your lab partner.)

5. While most children are capable of great decency, a few are born insane and, today, some are even born as drug addicts.

6. No one has the right to force data off on you and command you to believe it or else. If it is not true for you, it isn't true.

7. (Personal favorite!) The way to happiness does not include murdering, or your friends, your family or yourself being murdered. (Really? Because I thought that would be an awesome time! I have been shown the light!)

8. In some societies, when they are barbaric or become very degrade, it can even be the fashion to be a public eyesore. (On the runways of Calcutta...)

9. A thief sows the environment with mysteries.

10. Has there ever been an instance where another had some false data about you? Did it cause you trouble? This can give you some idea of the havoc false data can raise!

11. The new model eggbeater or washing machine, the latest years car, all demand some study and learning before they can be competently operated. When people omit it, there are acidents in the kitchen and piles of bleeding wreckage on the highways. (But what if the new model eggbeater lead to piles of bleeding wreckage on a highway? There's a story in that somewhere.)

12. The insane cannot learn.

13. Movie stuntment who don't practice first get hurt. So do housewives.

I am totally thrilled to pieces with this book. I went to the website http://www.twth.com/, and plan on ordering the DVD, which I believe will be a fantastic addition to my collection of weird religious videos. The Mormon shit is the best. In fact, as a general rule, whenever I start to think I might really like a fella, I show him my 80's Mormon video to see if he finds it hilarious or not. Because if he doesn't, it's so over.

Oh, and by the way, I just checked out the site for the Watchtower Society (you know, the Jehovahs?)... and I found out that you can request a home bible study! How funny would it be if you were really mad at someone and then as retaliation sent the Jehovah's Witnesses to their house?

I don't lose arguments, let me tell you why

Amongst other things the supposed left-wing media could learn from me (and by that I mean leftist blogs and pundits, not the general media- which if you ask me, leans to the right)- is how to win an argument. I am an unbelievably frustrating person, insofar as you will never, ever win an argument with me. It may occasionally be a tie, if you're good- but you won't win. Why?

1. Always stick to facts. Actual facts, and then only those that you can back up with evidence and research.

2. Steer clear of ad hominem attacks. Attack the issue, not the person. Ad hominem attacks are the last resort of those who are unsure of their position.

3. Don't say anything out loud unless you are absolutely certain of it being true.

4. Insist that your opponent back their shit up with actual evidence/research/details. Or say anything along the lines of "some people say"- demand to know who those people are, specifically. Considering the fact that most people talk out of their asses, this is where you usually win.

5. Don't argue using previous personal experiences, stories you have heard, or legends others have told. Avoid strawman arguments. If you say anything someone can easily poke a hole in, you have pretty much already lost.

6. Stay absolutely, totally, completely, nerve-rackingly calm. Always let them be the ones to get histrionic. Whenever they do get histrionic, start talking even more quietly and calmly. This is where pundits fail.

7. Don't make sweeping statements. If they make a sweeping statement, say, like "Women are bad drivers"- the logical follow up to that is "Have you been in a car with every woman on earth?" The answer is obviously no, which negates their argument. If they say it's a statistical thing, (I just mean in general! Most women are bad drivers), of course, mention that men pay higher insurance rates and get into more fatal accidents than women do.

8. Ask questions that demand a specific answer. For instance, if debating abortion- before you let them expound upon the sanctity of life and life beginning at conception, ask them what they think would be an appropriate punishment for a teenage girl who had an illegal abortion. Very rarely do they have an actual answer for this. If there is, the follow up question is naturally something along the line of "would it be fair that women with money would be able to go to other countries to get one safely and legally, but that poor women would be subject to possibly unsafe abortions and [whatever legal ramifications suggested].

9. Avoid any and all logical fallacies.

10. Don't argue emotion, intuition, or gut feelings. I actually once had an argument with a girl who insisted that the original purpose of WWII was to defeat Hitler, and when I told her that, well, no- our main goal was to stop Japan from becoming too powerful and actually when people tried to come here to escape Hitler and told us what was going on over there, we sent them right back because well, America was actually pretty anti-semetic in those days... insisted that this couldn't be true because her grandfather had fought in WWII and to say that was an insult to his memory. I can't even get into the myriad reasons that was ridiculous (especially since pretty much all of our grandfathers fought in that war)- but you can't win an argument based on things you "feel" are true. Unless you're Steven Colbert.

That's pretty much it. It's not the most complicated thing in the world. I learned to argue from my mother, who is freakin' brilliant at it. We'd make either really fabulous talking heads, or annoy the crap out of everyone. Still, I think the so-called left would be much better off following our rules rather than going off on these tangents.

I wonder if McCain has a pickled Abba turd hidden away somewhere...

I'm totally serious, I think he does. Blender gets Obama and McCain to list their favorite songs (with comments on the site from Girl Talk and my boyfriend Randy Newman)

JOHN McCAIN
1. Dancing Queen - ABBA (Do you know what this does to my head? All I can picture is John McCain's head on Toni Collette's body, just twirling and twirling around in a room filled with pictures of ABBA.)
2. Blue Bayou - Roy Orbison (Eh. It's a good song. I have nothing bad to say)
3. Take a Chance On Me - ABBA ("Now that I'm running for president, my life's just as good as an ABBA song!")
4. If We Make It Through December - Merle Haggard (Would have been so much more awesome if it was "Hello Darlin')
5. As Time Goes By - Dooley Wilson (Whatever, John McCain. I bet you don't have a Humphrey Bogart action figure. Which I totally do.)
6. Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys (I don't like having things in common with you, John McCain)
7. What A Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong (Blah, blah, blah...)
8. I've Got You Under My Skin - Frank Sinatra (Easy)
9. Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond (Going for the fratboy vote... but does he know that it was written about Caroline Kennedy?)
10. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes - The Platters (Really? The Platters version? You must be kidding me. Dinah Washington's rendition is far superior.)

BARACK OBAMA
1. Ready or Not- Fugees
2. What's Going On- Marvin Gaye
3. I'm On Fire Bruce- Spingsteen
4. Gimme Shelter- Rolling Stones
5. Sinnerman- Nina Simone
6. Touch the Sky- Kanye West
7. You'd Be So Easy to Love- Frank Sinatra
8. Think- Aretha Franklin
9. City of Blinding Lights- U2
10. Yes We Can- will.i.am

Good lord. I get it. It's not even worth multiple comments. You're totally inspirational, Barack Obama! Wow! Oh, and way to pick a song about yourself. It kills me that you are just so that guy. I'll bet anything that your yearbook quote was the whole Robert Frost thing about the stupid roads diverged in the woods. You totally remind me of this guy I dated when I was 17 who told me that my karmic path had led me to him for enlightenment. Because he was totally deep and wrote poetry, and I was a failure at life for liking "Breakfast at Tiffany's." That guy was an asshat. Don't be that guy.

I am dead, but other than that, things are swell!

I am just going to die today. Seriously. I only got like, four hours of sleep last night, because my stupid phone woke me up (why do I always forget to put it on silent?), and then it was too hot to manage getting back to sleep until like, 4:30am. And today the store is full of delusional people who think they're a size small when even the larges wouldn't fit. I don't get that. Do they think maybe I'm blind? Oy. Who are they trying to fool? Me, or themselves?

Oh! But in awesome news...

1. I saw my dad yesterday and we went out for dinner and it was lovely, and I got to have lobster because I'm awesome, and also my mum sent me a pink umbrella because she's adorable.

2. Project Runway starts tonight! This is the last season, basically, since after this one, it's movie to freaking lifetime, and probably changing it's name to Project; Designers on the Run.

3. And if that wasn't glorious enough... my bad reality show dreams have come true! Rock of Love 3!! And this time... it's on a bus! Sweet!

4. Ok... this is going to sound so, so lame... but I got "Comment of The Day" for the first time over on Jezebel yesterday, and I'm like, retardly excited about it. Yes, I know, I have no life: http://jezebel.com/5025527/reader-roundup.

5. Fun tidbit of conversation:

Robyn: I truly have no desire to see the Grand Canyon or swim with dolphins, and for some reason this bothers people.

Dude: Well, the Grand Canyon is pretty awesome...

Robyn: I don't know, I'm sure it's probably pretty, but how long can that even be interesting for?

Dude: Well, if you like hiking...

Robyn: I totally don't hike. I don't hike, I don't jog, I don't date guys with the last name Peterson, or do anything else that seems to directly correlate to being murdered. It's a thing I have. Seriously, I watch a lot of Law and Order. Hiking= death.

I like Mondays (when I have the day off, at least)

Today was glorious. I spent the first half writing, and the second half watching fantastic movies with Nicole via the OnDemand and cleaning pores and plucking eyebrows and eating pistachios. In case you were wondering, pistachios are in fact my favorite nut. Almonds come in at second. A really close second if it's the cinnamon sugar kind. Oh, so anyway- about the movies!

1. The Omen IV (always glorious. You probably haven't seen it because it was actually a made for TV movie... but I recommend it. As you may or may not know, I am especially fond of any movie involving demon spawn.)

2. JD's Revenge!


How can one not love the classic story of um... some guy who undergoes hypnosis and then becomes possessed by a zoot-suited hustler looking for revenge? Especially when it also stars Louis Gossett Jr? Amazing.

3. Videodrome! How in god's name is this the first time I have ever heard of this movie existing??? One would think that someone, at some point in my life would have mentioned to me that there is some unbelievably bizarre film in which James Woods gets it on with Debbie Harry while piercing her ears! And then tries to save the world from brainwashy snuff films that cause tumors, makes people hallucinate, and um... have a lot of kinky sex? To be honest, I was a bit confused by what the plot was supposed to be. But there is a dude in it named Dr. O'blivion! How amazing is that? Seriously, I don't know how this flew under my radar! Seriously, if you've got the FearNet OnDemand thingy, you must watch this- if you haven't already. If you have, then why did you not mention this to me? Jerk.

Oh, and according to the Wikipedia, Dr. O'blivion was based on Marshall McLuhan. Who, amongst- duh, many accomplishments, has a line in Annie Hall that I have been, for many years now, been dying to say in real life: "You know nothing of my work!" Don't ask me why, I just feel like it would be a really satisfying thing to say. I also really find it weirdly satisfying to say "They call me Mister Tibbs!" and to yell "NEELY O'HARA!" but as neither of those are in fact my name, I can't figure a way to work them in. Although, perhaps I could start a new trend of yelling "NEELY O'HARA!" in a "Serenity Now!" kind of way, or as a minced oath? I bet it could work. You know, like how people say "Heavens to Betsy!" or "for Pete's sake!" or, according to a Google search I just did "For the love of Mike!" I was not aware that this was a saying. I think I'll start saying that as well.

Ok. Clearly I'm losing my damn mind and should consider sleep.

Oh! But also! I found a copy of my favorite Amy Vanderbilt book ever on Amazon! My original copy was tragically lost in a roommate moving out debacle. (Psst. Amy Vanderbilt= crazy etiquette book writing lady who defenestrated herself. Who I happen to be mildly obsessed with. Did you know that if you eat corn on the cob properly it should take you about three days to do so? I do, because I read Amy Vanderbilt. I also know how to deal with my servants, and when and where I should wear a hat and gloves.)

Ok, ok. Bed.

Boy problems I am sick of solving

And here is the advice that you will never take. And then later you'll come back and say you wish you had. I never get any satisfaction out of "I told you so's."

1. The Controlling Boyfriend! Guess what? There's no such thing as a "controlling boyfriend." There's someone telling you what to do, and you going along with that. If you don't go along with it, he's not controlling you! Unless the dude has a knife to your throat, you are free to leave at any time! And there's no paperwork! Because you're not fucking married! If he's "controlling" you, I can't imagine why you think he's so precious that you want to hang around anyway.

How to avoid this situation: The first time he tells you what to do, look at him like he has 5 heads. And laugh. If that doesn't work, leave.

2. He Takes Me For Granted! Perhaps if you didn't constantly drop everything you were going to do in order to hang out with him at a moments notice, or constantly do shit for him without expecting reciprocation of any kind (except for the gloriousness of his company), he wouldn't. People, consciously or subconsciously, test you to see how far you can be pushed.

How to avoid this situation: Don't do shit for someone who isn't doing shit for you. Don't put up with shit you don't want to put up with.

3. I feel like I might want to cheat on him with this other guy that I think I like more! Then obviously, you don't like him that much. Maybe you guys shouldn't be in a relationship.

How to avoid this situation: If you want to date/make out with/ do other people, do not sign up for a committed relationship. For god sakes, it's not like car insurance!

4. I keep ending up with douchebag boyfriends! Then maybe you need to be single and work on yourself for a while.

How to avoid this situation: Once you figure out that the guy is a douche (it doesn't take that long!), stop dating him.

5. We've only been dating for a week, but we already need couple's therapy, as we have thus far racked up more problems than most people who have been married for 40 years: It's not going to get better, it's only going to get worse. The beginning of the relationship is when things should be awesome and fun and drama-free. If they suck this early on, they're going to suck a lot worse after the honeymoon period.

How to avoid this situation: Guess!

6. He's really jealous! This, actually, is not your problem. It's his. He will have to get over it. Unless, shit, you're one of those people who likes to complain/brag about how jealous your significant other is, because you think that makes other people think you're way awesome and worth desperately clinging to. Then, shit, admit that you like it and stop kvetching to me.

How to avoid this situation: Learn this phrase- "I'm sorry you feel that way." and ignore it. Don't start fights over it, don't give it any weight at all.

Robyn Pennacchia's "A Series of Unfortunate Hair Styles"

So... I totally need to get my hair cut- I have a bad habit of putting it off until the last minute. But I was thinking today about the various retarded phases my hair has been through.

1. I swear to god, when I was like, 3, my mom brought in a picture of Scout from the movie version of To Kill a Mockingbird, and told the stylist - This! This is what I want! And thus, I looked like this:


Almost exactly, actually.

2. And then I had that hairdo, but with sausage bangs. Sweet!

3. Then, my sister came along. And my sister, unlike me, had pretty pretty princess hair. Long, blondish hair, with perfect little ringlets that formed at the bottom. Totally not fair. I demanded I be allowed to grow my hair long.

4. And it was long. For a ridiculously long time. But I did not have pretty pretty princess hair like my sister. I had hair like this:



5. Around 6th grade I started getting all experimental and shit. The first real damage I ever did, personally, to my own head, involved, of course, Sun-In. And a day spent by my friend and I devoted entirely to dousing our heads with the awful crap, blowdrying it, and doing it again. Over and over again. It didn't work wonders, of course- we both had super dark brown hair- it only got slightly lighter. But then, we figured, in all our genius, that if we each used a whole bottle on just our bangs- we could get them pretty bleached. And it worked! We looked completely retarded, but it worked.

6. But it got better! Oh, it did! It truly did! Because then we discovered food dye! Yup, food dye! We dyed our sun-in bleached bangs blue and red and green with food dye, and my, wasn't that attractive! Then we tried koolaid- which of course only lasted like, 5 days and made my hair smell like raspberries, but not in any kind of good way. Also- kinda sticky.

7. 8th grade was my first foray into the world of permanent (read: not food dye or kool-aid). A bottle of "Purple Haze" Manic Panic purchased from Newbury Comix. Which destroyed my bathroom (to my mother's dismay) and didn't really show up so much in my almost black hair. Still, I thought I was totally bad ass. The use of Manic Panic continued perpetually, and unattractively through my teenage years.

8. When I was about 16, my hair was probably down to my ass- and, really- not so cute looking. However, for whatever imaginable reason, I thought it might be swell to chop it all off. Like, all of it. It looked so terrible that I couldn't bring myself to cut it again for quite some time, and when I let it grow out, I had this hideous Indigo Girls mullet- well before the fashion mullet ever existed.

9. When I was about to turn 22, I came to the realization that this was the last time I could dye my hair bright pink and not look, you know... sad. So I did it. I bleached my hair out, and dyed it pink for the last time. Oh, by the way, you know how you kinda have to wait for a bit before you dye hair after bleaching it? Yeah, well, in case you never guessed it- I look horrifying with blonde hair. Horrifying. I scare children and animals. Oh, and despite my plan to not look sad, I kinda did- because I just wasn't that person anymore. Still, glad I got it out of my system.

Since then, my hair has primarily been either burgundy, or as close to my own shade of almost-black-brown as I can find in bottle (yeah, the red keeps showing up, so I have to dye my hair until it finally all grows back in. I am fine with that. And I keep it at a reasonable length, and really, my only major mistake is going too long without bothering to get it cut. Which I'm totally not going to do this time.

Stuff and things.

1. I have decided that the Red Eye needs to replace their sex columnist with, um, me. Because, I'm sorry, but Dustin J. Seibert (I just looked up his name.) seems to be hell bent on making what should logically be a hilarious and interesting column- as most sex columns are- the most boring and retarded crap I have ever read in my life. Which, you know- isn't that surprising seeing as how it's the Red Eye. However, I think it's the only job of that sort in the city, and I would very much like to have it. I promise I will not begin anything with "I couldn't help but wonder..."

However, I think I'd have to write it under a pen name, as I have a lot of especially Catholic relatives back in New England. Who would probably freak the fuck out if they ever even googled my name now.

2. I like juice. Especially in the morning when I'm hungover. Like today. And not like, juice flavored water. Actual juice. The kind that comes from fruit. Particularly strawberry kiwi juice. It is maybe my favorite thing ever. But, as I realized this morning, juice is now an endangered species and has been replaced in near entirety by juice flavored water. Now, fine- maybe the juice flavored water is better for me... but it is nowhere near as delicious, and is of no help in the morning when I am hungover and would like to actually taste something. I implore you, corner stores of the world and specifically Chicago Ave... do not give up on Strawberry Kiwi Snapple!

3. You may or may not have noticed that I took a post down like, a day after publishing it. Mostly because I decided it needed more serious thought. I plan on working that out today, along with doing laundry!

Facts! And things...

1. I will not be shutting up about that whole seal shtupping a penguin thing for at least a month. I am going to write songs about it on my red ukulele, I am going to write a children's book about it, I will make pictures and diagrams, and anyone who is lucky enough to run into me will be sure to hear the glorious tale of the seal who shtupped a penguin. I am going to get this picture blown up



and I am going to hang it over my mantle. Because it is just that hilarious.

2. Another hilarious thing I cannot bring myself to shut up about- Did you know that those FLDS chicks don't cut their hair... because Jesus is going to come back and they have to use it to wash his feet? True story. The whole thing sort of breaks my mind. Especially because like, all I have to relate this to is that one weird dude who tried to convince me to let him give me a pedicure, and what a terribly awkward situation that was. Also, I don't feel like hair would be an effective foot cleaning device, pumice stones exist for a reason. Also, like, are they all going to do it at the same time, or will they take turns? That would take up a lot of time, I would imagine. There are a lot of those chicks, since they're so into having babies and all. I mean, is that all Jesus is going to do when he comes back? Sit around and have his feet washed with Mormon hair? You'd think he'd have like, other things to attend to or something. Then again, what do I know?

3. I totally got hit on by a Rick Astley look alike last night at The Continental. It was especially awkward because at first I thought he was gay... because he walked up to me and said "Hey boobs!" Which, I don't know, is just not something the straight guys tend to say, I guess. But no- he was straight, and he totally thought that he and I were going to make a love connection. Which, of course caused me to run back to my table yelling that I just had been RickRolled. Because I am mature like that. And then I sang this:



Which is, of course, my favorite Rick Astley jam.

4. Robo-squirrel. Teehee!

Robyn's Rules of Order...

I have a magical secret for good livin'.

I do and say exactly as I please, and as I mean, all the time... and the ceiling never falls down upon me. Other people do this, of course- I just choose to be very frank about it. It's just less complicated that way.

I like people to be well aware that where I am is where I want to be, and otherwise I would not be there (work, of course, excluded). That what I am doing is exactly what I want to be doing, and otherwise I would not be doing it. Do you have any idea how much easier and more clear life would be if everyone operated this way?

I am weirded out by the concept of people who are friendly with people they don't like. It bothers me that they think they are so damned fantastic that they must shelter others from the harsh blow of their disapproval. Or that it's still important that the person they don't like likes them and thinks they are a nice person. I do not care either way.

It just seems like a lot of work. It exhausts me to think about it.

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My mom always said that we do not have a family in which we keep the crazy ones up in the attic and slide their food through the door. We sit them right down at the damn dinner table and introduce them to the neighbors. That is our way. I throw my crazy on the table. I will gladly give you a divers schedule of my personal faults and imperfections. I am of the opinion that saying things out loud takes away their power over you.

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On the plus side, my unusual behavior and philosophy basically guarantees that I will never cheat on anyone. Why? Because I wouldn't be in a relationship in the first place if I didn't want to be. I am not such horrible company that I am bothered by being alone, and I don't think that anyone thinks I am so fantastic and so desperate for my personal company that I would feel I had to placate them in that way. Really, like, why bother? Once again, way too much effort. I also expect the same in return. Like, I sincerely couldn't give a shit less if someone wants to date other people. I really couldn't. If you want to go, go and be well. The idea of being coddled or placated makes me feel stabby.

I might still be drunk.

1. Star Jones! Getting divorced! Not that I really care, but they mentioned that her real name is "Starlet" and I find that especially hilarious.

2. Dudes in Congo are freaking out because black magicians are stealing their dicks. No, really. Which is probably traumatic for them. But like, if you could have a magical power.... that might be kind of amusing one to have. I'm just saying.

3. Bush quote of the day, via Slate: "Oftentimes people ask me, 'Why is it that you're so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?' "—Washington, D.C., April 18, 2008.

4. Wow! Ok, so this is this website... that harasses your exes for you to find out why they dumped you. No, really! I don't see why it's necessary, as I would imagine that it's because, well, you are the sort of person that would enlist the services of a website to help you harass someone to find out why they dumped you. That's your damned answer. You're creepy. Then again, what do I know? That could be a totally attractive quality to some people- I've often noted that my personal insistance on things like having dignity has been troublesome in my personal life. But I'd rather stick things in my eyes. Repeatedly. I can't understand why someone would not find doing such a thing to be abjectly humiliating! Also, honestly can't imagine what I would do were I to someday receive a number of email surveys asking me why I ditched some dude. I would probably file a restraining order.