Come, therefore, and let us fling mud at them!

Ok, so there are all these reports about Obama begging Waxman to get rid of the provision for contraceptives in the stimulus package. Mostly because the Conservatives are threatening not to support it if it's included.

On the face of it, one would imagine that these conservatives, being all anti-choice and shit, would think contraceptives were totally awesome. And they probably would, if their problem with abortion had as much to do with saving the fetuses as they'd like us to think it did. But it doesn't.

See, while most of us read "The Scarlet Letter" and think "Whew! Thank god that doesn't happen anymore!," I kinda feel like these conservatives look at it with a wistful tear in their eye, pining for what once was. A time when street urchins might yell this at you as you walked down the street:

"Behold, verily, there is the woman of the scarlet letter; and, of a truth, moreover, there is the likeness of the scarlet letter running along by her side! Come, therefore, and let us fling mud at them!"

Whatever. Street urchins so never talked like that. In any era. But, you know, they hold onto that hope. See, these people, I believe, look at STD's and unwanted children as today's Scarlet Letters- ways of punishing women who are "impure," and also perhaps giving them an identifying marker- a child. They want to punish them, not because of a moral failing, but because they believe that in being "impure" they have stolen something from men that is rightfully theirs.

For most of history, women's bodies were bought and sold between men, with the women having very little to do with it at all. You know, like "Hey, you give me some chickens, and you can have my daughter's hymen." The idea that women's bodies are their own, and not the property of men is a fairly new concept- one that some people have yet to accept. The idea of having a virgin bride who will never know how much they suck in bed is just too tempting. Unfortunately for these people, 97% of Americans have had premarital sex (which, duh, must include some of these people), and that statistic is unlikely to change.

But sadly, Jenny will never be popular, because Jenny's a whore.

So, recently I was going back through many pages of posts at the insanely amazing Sociological Images, and I happened upon this little gem, featuring Caroline, who is apparently flawless in every way humanly possible, all the dudes that want a piece of her pristine ass, her frumptastic friend Ellie, who is stuck with a douchey boyfriend that leaves her stranded places, and a vaguely ethnic looking chick named Jenny who isn't allowed to mar their holy cafeteria table with her whorish ways and flamboyant headbands.

What they don't show you is the future, where Caroline marries Wally, settles down in the burbs where she has babies, hosts many a Junior League luncheon, and then eventually hangs herself in the closet because she just can't take being perfect anymore. Also, Wally is totally into wife swapping.

Ellie marries her douchey boyfriend because she thinks she doesn't have any other options, but eventually smothers him in his sleep, gets away with it and joins a radical feminist commune.

Jenny, however, stopped giving a shit about people named "Wally" liking her, and started an awesome girl group much like the Shangri-la's, rides a Vespa and lives in a fabulous bohemian loft in the Village where she takes many lovers and tosses them away at whim.

**Gah! This thing refuses to properly embed! So if you can't see it, click on the link for Sociological Images, which goes directly to the video. It's totally worth it.

Well, then I guess I'm elitist. Thanks, Ben Shapiro!

Oh wow. So Ben Shapiro (Harvard Graduate) has taken it upon himself to identify the traits of an elitist in the populist style of Jeff Foxworthy! So, I must wonder... am I in fact an elitist? Lets find out!
You’re an elitist if you love Brokeback Mountain, but think that John Wayne movies are jingoistic expressions of outdated American machismo.

What if I just think they're boring and have no intention of ever watching one?

You’re an elitist if you believe that anyone who supports the standard of a married man and woman raising a child is a bigot.

Bigot- n. One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.

When the definition changes, let me know.

You’re an elitist if you love watching soccer and you’re not a recent immigrant.

Well, I guess soccer moms have gone out of style...

You’re an elitist if you hate Whittaker Chambers but love Arthur Miller.

Yeah, because non-elitist people totally know who Whittaker Chambers was. And who would prefer a dude who ratted on all his friends to the guy who wrote Death of a Salesman, and All My Sons? Which, btw, were not exactly plays about the elite of the nation.

You’re an elitist if you believe Jon Stewart is non-partisan, but Fox News is an outlet for the Republican National Committee.

Jon Stewart is a comedian on purpose. Fox News is just a joke

You’re an elitist if you don’t mind Sarah Silverman’s language but can’t stand James Dobson’s.

You're an idiot if you don't get that it's meta. She's not serious. James Dobson is.

You’re an elitist if you worry what the Europeans think of us.

Because making the world hate us works out so well, right?

You’re an elitist if you think public school teachers are qualified to inform your children about sex, but parents aren’t qualified to teach their children basic math.

Well, yes- because they have a curriculum. Also, as I imagine this refers to homeschooling- it's a lot more than basic math that people have to learn. Jen was homeschooled and was one of the few people she knew who went through that and ended up going to college and being able to function in the world.

You’re an elitist if you think the government should manage the health care system even though it can’t manage to keep the tax code within a 10,000 page limit

You're an asshole if you think only those with the financial means deserve health care.

You’re an elitist if you think transgenders ought to have their own bathrooms for privacy reasons, but public distribution of pornography is fine.

No one says that. What we actually say is that bathrooms should be unisex, and who gives a shit anyway? And who knew that only elitists liked porn? Go know, right?

You’re an elitist if you think that pro-life folks are fascists unmotivated by true sympathy for the unborn.

I'd be more likely to believe them if they had the same sympathy for the born.

You’re an elitist if you know what arugula is but don’t know who Jimmie Johnson is.

Arugula is delicious, and I think he's the sandwich guy?

Oh well, so I guess I'm an elitist. Go know. Thank god I have Ben Shapiro (Harvard Graduate) to fill me in.

You know You're an Elitist if... by Ben Shapiro

I am totally being stalked by Bill Withers, and other things, varied and sundry

1. Seriously, last night Nicole and I were at Estelle's, and like, right after I told her the story about the cabbie, "Lovely Day" came on. Again. Spooky.

2. I learned, recently, that "Nucular" has been added to the dictionaries (including my beloved OED) as an alternative pronunciation of nuclear. I assure you, it is not. You can't just go about changing the correct pronunciation of things to make stupid people feel better about themselves. This is what's wrong with the world. Entirely. People want us to change science because it doesn't correlate with their idiotic, delusional religious beliefs. People want to use the term "begging the question" to mean "raising the question"- WHICH IT DOES NOT. I am wrong about things sometimes, as most people are. I'm ok with that. I don't expect the rules to change simply so that I personally don't feel stupid. People have to get used to being wrong about things. If I give you the incorrect directions to a place in Chicago, and you end up in Missouri, I do not get to say "Well, that's what I feel the directions are, and because I say it it must be true." Soon, we will have no spelling bee champions and the world will erupt into outright chaos. This, I feel, is a natural consequence of the "everyone is special and a winner" aesthetic. There ought to be no "If you do something wrong enough times it can be right" rule in grammar, pronunciation, or spelling. What's next? Changing the spelling of "realtor" to "realetor?" Are we supposed to accept that it is possible for the world to be flat just because some people happen to believe it? Everything cannot be simultaneously true- 2 + 2= 4, and god damn it, nuclear is pronounced new-klee-urr.

3. Some guy I did not know sent me a shot at the bar last night- from another table, which was delightfully old fashioned/ more like something that happens on 70's TV shows than in real life. I said thank you, but did not actually go and talk to him as he was not so much my type- but still- kinda neat.

4. But really, if he really wanted to impress me, he would have sent me the amazing hologram "Footprints in the Sand" framed picture that I saw at the LaSalle Blue Line today. I'm totally serious. It would be the second best present ever. The best present ever being the one my friend Luke got me for my 19th birthday, which consisted of a tape of Harold and Maude, a copy of "Fleur de Mal," fancy chopsticks and strawberry bubble tape- which, at the time, was something I was especially enamoured by. Yay.

The whimsical story of the cabbie who was wrong about everything in life.

It's been an interesting couple of days. For one, on Friday, I was late to work and took a cab. I get in the cab and the dude is all "I can't talk for a second, I gotta figure out what the title of this song is so I can play it when I DJ tonight." The song, by the way, was "Lovely Day" by Bill Withers, and the only words in the chorus are "Lovely Day" so I'm not sure why that was so hard to figure out. So, anyway, dude then tells me that he owns the cab company and just drives them for fun, because "No woman wants a man with no money. You know what I'm saying?"

"Sure" I say, even though I do not agree in any fashion. I have my own damned money, and very, very little interest in discussing the subject ever.

"I don't like to wake up in the morning unless I got a thousand dollars on my dresser" he says.

I couldn't resist... "So, what, are you like, a hooker?"

He then proceeds to inform me that while he was not in fact a hooker, he could be, because he's got "the good dick," and that if that were the case, he would do me for free. Because I am "sexy as hell." Which was not true at all at that point in the morning, mind you.

So then he asks me about my man at home, which I don't have (in case you didn't know), and I say he is super. It doesn't mean much, though, he says, unless he's got the good dick.

I say nothing. He then takes this opportunity to tell me about how much money he makes djing places like, um, Indiana and Miami. And how he knows The Beastie Boys and djed for Naz.

"Neat" I say. He continues the bragging until I get out of the cab. He offers his phone number and I do not take it.

I just... I don't know, I find it interesting how totally, totally wrong this dude was about everything a lady like myself might want in a fella. Or, I mean... any woman, really. I've never heard any chick I know say anything like "Yeah, he was totally dreamy. I mean, all that bragging and ostentacious name dropping and casually mentioning how much money he made and how totally important he was, was like, so hot. Who doesn't love that? Worlds of sexiness I tell you!"

To that, my friend, I say this:



But, for real, I felt kind of insulted. Like as far as this guy was concerned, women care about the following things:

1. How much money you make (I don't care because I have my own)
2. How totally important you are and how many famous people you have casually met (I don't care, because, really, that has no effect on whether or not you are a jerk. They could also be jerks for all I know, or have nothing interesting to say. How does that help me?)
3. The good dick. (You can get that shit at the porn store)

Which makes us seem pretty shallow. If he had instead focused on the following list:

1. Not being a jerk/having good manners
2. Being funny
3. Being well groomed

I bet you things would work out better for him. As of now, he's just really, really insulting.

Isn't that special...

The seething sarcasm from the first female anchor is absolutely delightful. I also like how the girl going to the purity ball is like "I've never had a birds and the bees talk and I really don't want one"

So... like, does she not know what sex entails? At 17? Is she like my neighbor who thought it was when the guy stuck his dick into your bellybutton? Or has she just not discussed it with her parents? Because, I have to assume that most people tend to be curious about these things... especially someone who gives that much thought to staying "pure."

On a positive note though, this is the first one I've heard of that involves the boys. How progressive?

Let's just talk about small town values for a sec here.

Every single time I hear some idiot republican start going on and on about "small town values"... I want to punch a wall. Seriously.

Republicans like to talk about small towns like they're these magical Capra-esque places, filled with only people who are magically decent-licious. Unlike big cities where we're all kniving assholes, out to get all we can- or something like that. I've seen Mr. Deeds Goes To Town. I know what they're thinking.

It's amazing to me that "small town people" are presented as being more trustworthy than people in cities, because if there was anything that taught me not to trust people, it was the time I spent living in a small town in Massachusetts. It taught me that if you are vulnerable for two seconds, it will bite you in the ass. When I moved to Rochester, finally, I thought at first that everyone who was friendly to me was doing it as a joke, and that as soon as I was friendly back, they'd laugh at me for falling for it. Which is exactly what happened to me myriad times in that trustworthy small town.

It's amazing to me that small town people are presented as being warmer and friendlier than city people. Because I have never had to eat lunch alone in a bathroom stall in a city because no one would sit with me. And sure, in a small town, everyone knows your name- but it doesn't mean they're going to talk to you- except, of course, in the case of screaming racial epithets at you on the bus because it upsets you (yes, it happens in Massachusetts).

It's amazing to me that they act as though people in small towns have better morals than people in cities. I can't think of a more important moral than being kind to people- and if anything, I think the main reason I was targeted was because I wasn't afraid to be stand up for other kids who were getting picked on. And let me tell you, I don't want to brag- but the one thing I am proud of is that they never, ever took that away from me- they never got to me on that one- I did it right up until my last breath in that small town, and I did it with every ounce of vitriol in my being. And I have a lot of vitriol when it comes to that shit.

Since then, I've lived in more "citified" places, and have never had that kind of trouble with anyone- and have found people to be much, much kinder and more decent, and more upstanding, etc. etc. And while I'm not saying that every small town on earth is filled with that sort of people- or even that everyone there was like that- it probably just seemed like it at the time because those people were the stronger personalities and other kids were afraid of them- I just think it's unfair to go and paint cities with the evil brush and small towns with the good brush, when that has most certainly not been everyone's experience.

With that said, I've never met anyone who wasn't dying to get the hell out of a small town, so what does that say?

Who has time for this?

Ok, so--- in the course of a trip to the powder room just now, I noticed that the label on my underwear says "Do not iron."

Does this warning need to be there? I mean- are there people going around ironing thongs? I mean, shit, it's not like I do anything, but I sure as hell don't have time to iron my damned underwear. And would anyone notice if I did? I have like, four things that require ironing, and I pretty much never wear them because of that. Sheesh.

Did you know that the word gullible is not in the dictionary?

It's hard to be surprised these days by what people will believe. Especially teenagers. I mean, in 8th grade I convinced a bunch of dudes that they could get high by smelling opium incense. And they totally did it too, and then subsequently pretended that they were in fact high. It was rather amusing. I also sold them oregano! Ok but this is way more retarded than that.

These kids in Florida think that you can prevent HIV by doing a shot of... bleach. And that Mountain Dew prevents pregnancies! Really? Really? I mean, sure, this makes it pretty obvious that comprehensive sex ed is needed- duh... but also, I wonder: You know that saying "Well! If you believe that, I've got some land in Florida I'd like to sell you!"

Are these the children of the people who bought that land? Really, because how retarded do you have to be to buy that one? I mean- I am not all that swift, and I can't imagine I would have believed that at age 10, nevermind as a teenager. And may I just say... at age 10, when my fifth grade english class "adopted" a manatee... I totally thought it was going to show up and that I'd get to take it home for the weekend. That's how much of a genius I am.

Told you I was just friendly.

Apparently (gasp!) men have a tendency to interpret "friendly" body language as "sexual interest" body language.

No, really? You must be kidding!

I have a tendency to do the opposite. I have been on more dates that I didn't know were dates than I could possibly tell you. I am oblivious. It's kind of funny, because sometimes I'll run into these dudes and they'll be all drunk and telling me about how I totally dissed them on that date I wasn't aware that we had. Then I'll feel kind of like a jerk for a minute because I had assumed it was a platonic thing... but not really, because frankly- you should TELL someone if they are on a date, not just figure they caught on somehow. Especially if said person is anything like me. I also tend to get a lot of fella's who think I am trying to seduce them in some saucy film noir type manner, which I'm not. I just kind of sound like Lauren Bacall. Or um, whatsherface... Kathleen Turner. Or Barry White. Fact is, I'm very immature. If I actually like someone, I will usually express this by throwing something at their head or picking fights. I have not progressed much since junior high.