Saturday, February 7, 2009

A Mature Model Who Sizzles for Clients

The girls at my work totally get me (and my deep, nearly obsessive love for fantastically terrible things), which is why when this lady came in and dropped off a brochure of sorts for her "services" they totally saved it for me.

It is, without a doubt, one of the greatest single things I have ever encountered. It's in the shape of a purse, hand decorated with a sharpie. And on the outside it states:

"With customers clutching their pocketbooks this winter as tightly as their
coats, 2009 is proving to be a challenging marketplace..."

But it gets better! on the inside it reads:

"Let's brainstorm ways to make your business irresistibly "hot" in 2009.

As a model/actress/spokeswoman, a writer and creative producer, I'd
like to discuss ways we can create an event tailored to your store.

What makes me different is I am a model who not only can wear a size
6, but a mature model with whom your customers will
immediately identify
--- and I have the experience to interact with your
customers and bring the sale home.

Whether you are already planning a modeling event of your merchandise, or would like to consider asking me to create something special at your store contact me at (email address).

Looking forward to meeting you at your earliest convenience."
And then there are the pictures. Which I would feel bad about posting, but like, picture Susan Powter in a Glamour Shot wearing one of the hat's from In Living Color's "Men on Film"


(Except with sequins! And photoshopped eyelashes!)

And on the side of these pictures, it reads "A Mature Model Who Sizzles For Clients."

Now, of course this is hilarious. However, I have decided that this lady is in fact my new hero. Because clearly, she wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and thinks she's the best ever. I do not. I wake up in the morning, and look in the mirror and think I look a bit like Marla Singer- not in a hot way- just because I forgot to take my eyeliner off last night. I don't sizzle, nor do I make any claims otherwise. I hardly have low self esteem, but any delusions of grandure I might have are nothing in comparison with hers. I kind of want them. My goal this year is to come up with a shit ton of fake sounding jobs and then go around offering my non-existant services. Also, to have a fancy picture in a sequinned hat.

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