Friday, March 6, 2009

Love to laugh, but you're making me gag

As you may know, one of my favorite hobbies, for various reasons, has always been reading personal ads. I'd like to say it's because of the interesting cross-section of humanity, or something like that- but really it's because they're hilarious, and also I like the feeling of superiority I get reading them. You know, because I can spell and form complete sentences. Also, I tend to have an instinctual aversion to saying painfully cheesy things, especially self-complimentary cheesy things. There's nothing like someone trying to sound deep, or super hip to trigger my gag reflex.

But anyhow- out of the kindness of my heart, and because the bus took forever yesterday, I have compiled a list of the most painfully cheesy phrases written in the Reader personal ads this week!

"My attributes are still being discovered"

"appreciates every day"

"Someone who knows what they value, what's important to them, and can take a moment to enjoy a moment: a hug, a sunset, a cup of tea, a smile, a song."

"regular kinda gal"

"heart of gold"

"I'm a smart alack" (SIC)

"I am looking for the soul that can not only keep up with me, but make every day of my life that much better just by being there to share it"

"Would love to meet people who don't ask me who Fellini and Bergman are." (Oh, puke. How awesome and deep you are that you can name the two most well known "art film" directors ever. I knew who Fellini and Bergman were when I was 11, ok? It's not a major accomplishment.)

"I enjoy the art of curiosity."

"heart of gold"

"I'm looking for a girl who is interested in interdependence"

"My family is worldly"

"Simply looking for friends who are transparent, earnest, and attach value to living life"

"My short and sassy haircut sums me up. Short and sassy!"

"I've been told I have an outgoing personality making friends easily." (This is not a sentence.)

"There are no strangers in life, only friends we have yet to meet" (Like Ted Bundy.)

"Protege wanted for life expedition"

"Muse Wanted"

"I am very much grounded in the present. I believe that it is our responsibility to paint our masterpiece we call our lifetime. I have a cornucopia of activities I like to do from yoga to found art sculpture and everything in between (like Mongolian throat singing and eating mushrooms)."

And then there is one truly priceless ad, which I will post in it's entirity, just because it is *that* amazing.


(Note: please imagine this in the J. Peterman voice)

I love to lay on a beach, and journey through the stars and wonder about the universe. The innocent joy of children singing (Your first date will be a 2nd grade choir recital!). Self effacing humor. To be at a trancendent symphonic performance. Service. Culture and nature. Being present. You: interested in exploring Chicago, museums, music, ourselves and life, with a potential for a long-term connection. I love to learn, and am willing to try anything I haven't already done. Love stretching the mind and the body. I'm seeking a woman attractive on the inside and out. More than just a pretty face. Independent, and willing to try new things.

Analysis: He has a totally deep reason for wanting to fuck you in the ass.


soozey said...

HA!!! SNORT!! Love your comment at the end!!! So perfect. But seriously, the personals make me feel all anxious and freaky, cuz I am single! I prefer to think they don't exist.

Miss Robyn said...

It's true though. That's what "open to new things" means. Also, "stretching mind and body." It's a code. When was the last time you heard anyone say "Man, there is no better time than standing around touching my toes!" That almost never happens. It's a code. It has to be.

Anonymous said...

As a kinky guy who needs a totally deep connection before I'll fuck anyone in the arse, I can confirm that it is indeed code. (Although, I took "stretch the body and mind" to mean using the rack at the local fetish club - but hey!)

However, 'nilla personal ads probably not the best way to find someone willing to reciprocate in this (after all, not everyone knows the code!)