As you may know, one of my favorite hobbies, for various reasons, has always been reading personal ads. I'd like to say it's because of the interesting cross-section of humanity, or something like that- but really it's because they're hilarious, and also I like the feeling of superiority I get reading them. You know, because I can spell and form complete sentences. Also, I tend to have an instinctual aversion to saying painfully cheesy things, especially self-complimentary cheesy things. There's nothing like someone trying to sound deep, or super hip to trigger my gag reflex.
But anyhow- out of the kindness of my heart, and because the bus took forever yesterday, I have compiled a list of the most painfully cheesy phrases written in the Reader personal ads this week!
"My attributes are still being discovered"
"appreciates every day"
"Someone who knows what they value, what's important to them, and can take a moment to enjoy a moment: a hug, a sunset, a cup of tea, a smile, a song."
"regular kinda gal"
"heart of gold"
"I'm a smart alack" (SIC)
"I am looking for the soul that can not only keep up with me, but make every day of my life that much better just by being there to share it"
"Would love to meet people who don't ask me who Fellini and Bergman are." (Oh, puke. How awesome and deep you are that you can name the two most well known "art film" directors ever. I knew who Fellini and Bergman were when I was 11, ok? It's not a major accomplishment.)
"I enjoy the art of curiosity."
"heart of gold"
"I'm looking for a girl who is interested in interdependence"
"My family is worldly"
"Simply looking for friends who are transparent, earnest, and attach value to living life"
"My short and sassy haircut sums me up. Short and sassy!"
"I've been told I have an outgoing personality making friends easily." (This is not a sentence.)
"There are no strangers in life, only friends we have yet to meet" (Like Ted Bundy.)
"Protege wanted for life expedition"
"Muse Wanted"
"I am very much grounded in the present. I believe that it is our responsibility to paint our masterpiece we call our lifetime. I have a cornucopia of activities I like to do from yoga to found art sculpture and everything in between (like Mongolian throat singing and eating mushrooms)."
And then there is one truly priceless ad, which I will post in it's entirity, just because it is *that* amazing.
OPEN HEART AND ACTIVE MIND
(Note: please imagine this in the J. Peterman voice)
I love to lay on a beach, and journey through the stars and wonder about the universe. The innocent joy of children singing (Your first date will be a 2nd grade choir recital!). Self effacing humor. To be at a trancendent symphonic performance. Service. Culture and nature. Being present. You: interested in exploring Chicago, museums, music, ourselves and life, with a potential for a long-term connection. I love to learn, and am willing to try anything I haven't already done. Love stretching the mind and the body. I'm seeking a woman attractive on the inside and out. More than just a pretty face. Independent, and willing to try new things.
Analysis: He has a totally deep reason for wanting to fuck you in the ass.
Showing posts with label Things That Make Me Feel Embarassed For Humanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Things That Make Me Feel Embarassed For Humanity. Show all posts
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I thought I wanted an apple cinnamon muffin, but it turns out I want to eat a baby
Oh Christ. I thought/hoped I was hallucinating the other night when this thing popped on the telly:
Via http://www.videogum.com/
Really? Baby hungry? Baby hungry? Ew. I don't know a single "single girl" that doesn't screech in horror or throw up in her mouth at the mere mention of child bearing/rearing, so I do not know where you are getting your information from, Mr. Dude I've Never Heard of Before, but I suspect that you might be the delusional one here.
Yeah, we're all totally after your super high quality sperm, there. I dream of the day when I might drop a mucus plug and squeeze out a nine pound demon child with my eyes and your hairplugs. Also, I want to be your girlfriend and subsequently marry you, despite the fact that you are basically terrible in every way possible. You know, because you've got a penis and all. Everything else is just gravy.
Oh, and also, I'm Cathy. Ack! And I love shoes! And chocolate! And talking about my weight! And, um, whatever else the womenfolk are into these days! Ack! Marry me!
See, this is the thing- women are just not like this any more- not the vast majority anyway- and at least no one I personally know. To tell me to stop being desperate for a man and baby hungry is in the same league as telling me to stop speaking German and wearing leiderhosen all the time. In fact, as a whole, I think we're way better at being independent than men are. And I think that's a kick in the balls to some dudes who might prefer that we were not.
I don't think that the weirdo who tells me he's not "ready for a relationship" after two dates really thinks that that's what I'm after- I think it's wishful thinking. Not that I'm such great shakes, but I think he would like to assume that pretty much any lady in town would be thrilled to pieces to have him all to herself, or to bear the fruit of his loins or whatever. It's nothing but blowing smoke up your own ass.
It seems as though certain men are trying to create a strawwoman narrative that just isn't there anymore. It's a narrative more flattering to themselves than based in reality. And despite the fact that shows like this, and books/movies like "He's Just Not That Into You" claim to be intended to show women how to not be pathetic, they seem to be more hung up on creating perpetuating the idea that this is what we are in the first place - and that we, of course, need a brilliant, tough lovin' dude to show us the error of our sad little ways.
Via http://www.videogum.com/
Really? Baby hungry? Baby hungry? Ew. I don't know a single "single girl" that doesn't screech in horror or throw up in her mouth at the mere mention of child bearing/rearing, so I do not know where you are getting your information from, Mr. Dude I've Never Heard of Before, but I suspect that you might be the delusional one here.
Yeah, we're all totally after your super high quality sperm, there. I dream of the day when I might drop a mucus plug and squeeze out a nine pound demon child with my eyes and your hairplugs. Also, I want to be your girlfriend and subsequently marry you, despite the fact that you are basically terrible in every way possible. You know, because you've got a penis and all. Everything else is just gravy.
Oh, and also, I'm Cathy. Ack! And I love shoes! And chocolate! And talking about my weight! And, um, whatever else the womenfolk are into these days! Ack! Marry me!
See, this is the thing- women are just not like this any more- not the vast majority anyway- and at least no one I personally know. To tell me to stop being desperate for a man and baby hungry is in the same league as telling me to stop speaking German and wearing leiderhosen all the time. In fact, as a whole, I think we're way better at being independent than men are. And I think that's a kick in the balls to some dudes who might prefer that we were not.
I don't think that the weirdo who tells me he's not "ready for a relationship" after two dates really thinks that that's what I'm after- I think it's wishful thinking. Not that I'm such great shakes, but I think he would like to assume that pretty much any lady in town would be thrilled to pieces to have him all to herself, or to bear the fruit of his loins or whatever. It's nothing but blowing smoke up your own ass.
It seems as though certain men are trying to create a strawwoman narrative that just isn't there anymore. It's a narrative more flattering to themselves than based in reality. And despite the fact that shows like this, and books/movies like "He's Just Not That Into You" claim to be intended to show women how to not be pathetic, they seem to be more hung up on creating perpetuating the idea that this is what we are in the first place - and that we, of course, need a brilliant, tough lovin' dude to show us the error of our sad little ways.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Just not into douchebags and cattyness. Sorry.
Ok, so, everytime I turn on the TV, I see one of two movie previews that make me throw things at it- "Bride Wars" and "He's Just Not That Into You."
Sheesh. What is this? "Women Are Totally Pathetic Month?" Ew. Let's get back to reality.
As a woman, complete with all the necessary secondary sex characteristics, I have never done any of the following:
1. Daydreamed about a wedding. Except when I was like 15 and thought having an Elvis Impersonator officiate would be totally bad ass.
2. Had an all out battle with my best friend over anything as silly as a wedding. I can't even imagine it. I love my friends. And, you know, if something is more important to them than it is to me, they can have it, and vice versa. I don't soak dishes in the sink for too long because it bothers Jen, and she doesn't put my ketchup in the refrigerator because I think cold ketchup is freakish and unnatural. Life is all about compromise.
3. Waited by the phone for a dude to call me.
4. Chased after any dude, ever.
I have a lot of pride, and so do my girlfriends. So when I see previews for movies like this- not only is it totally foreign, but it's also insulting. Let me tell you, I never get so duly offended as when some schlub insinuates that I'm in any way trying to scoop him up and push him into a committed relationship. Let me tell you, if you want me to never speak to you again (after giving you a "what the hell makes you think you're so fantastic?" speech and a lesson in existentialism, of course), this is the way to do it. And it's movies like these that make them think that this is the way we operate.
That being said, despite the "all star cast" and the fact that the book was popular- I have a feeling that "He's Just Not That Into You" is going to do kind of poorly at the box office. I just can't see women paying money to see the Mac Guy tell them that they're pathetic. He can talk after he gets a decent haircut, mmkay?
Sheesh. What is this? "Women Are Totally Pathetic Month?" Ew. Let's get back to reality.
As a woman, complete with all the necessary secondary sex characteristics, I have never done any of the following:
1. Daydreamed about a wedding. Except when I was like 15 and thought having an Elvis Impersonator officiate would be totally bad ass.
2. Had an all out battle with my best friend over anything as silly as a wedding. I can't even imagine it. I love my friends. And, you know, if something is more important to them than it is to me, they can have it, and vice versa. I don't soak dishes in the sink for too long because it bothers Jen, and she doesn't put my ketchup in the refrigerator because I think cold ketchup is freakish and unnatural. Life is all about compromise.
3. Waited by the phone for a dude to call me.
4. Chased after any dude, ever.
I have a lot of pride, and so do my girlfriends. So when I see previews for movies like this- not only is it totally foreign, but it's also insulting. Let me tell you, I never get so duly offended as when some schlub insinuates that I'm in any way trying to scoop him up and push him into a committed relationship. Let me tell you, if you want me to never speak to you again (after giving you a "what the hell makes you think you're so fantastic?" speech and a lesson in existentialism, of course), this is the way to do it. And it's movies like these that make them think that this is the way we operate.
That being said, despite the "all star cast" and the fact that the book was popular- I have a feeling that "He's Just Not That Into You" is going to do kind of poorly at the box office. I just can't see women paying money to see the Mac Guy tell them that they're pathetic. He can talk after he gets a decent haircut, mmkay?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Is there an information overload chakra?
So, yesterday, this lady comes into the store, and, you know, she walks around for about a half hour picking out cards and staring blankly at things. Normal. Finally, she decides that she'd like to see something in the jewelery cases up front. Normal.
The things she'd like to see are these rinky dink chakra necklaces. Fine. She picks out the "Third Eye" chakra necklace and tells me that she plans to get it as a christmas present for her acupuncturist. Fine. But then she has to decide which chakra necklace she ought to get for herself. So, for about an hour she debates on whether she needs the "root chakra" necklace or the "throat chakra" necklace- not just which one is prettier, but which one would come more in handy. The throat chakra necklace, she tells me, she needs because she's going to tell her husband she's going to divorce him in a month. And also she's a Taurus, and that's symbolized by the throat, and also she's an actor and "voice over artist." Voice over acting is her passion, she says, other than being a yogi, which she has been for three years. She lets me know that she has lots of crystals at home- because she's a yogi, but the necklace idea is great. Despite the apparent merits of the throat chakra necklace, she decides on the root chakra necklace and a "luck" necklace because she is going gambling on a boat with her mother, and that way she can earn the money back and then come back and purchase the throat chakra necklace when she has to tell her husband about the divorce. Also, she had like, sort of a British accent- but in a Madonna sort of way, like it only popped up every so often.
She was totally, totally serious. And despite the fact that I am a girl who tends to talk far more than is necessary, I had no words. I was silent for most of the hour. I just nodded. And tried not to laugh. Because the whole time I just wanted to say "Um, you know these necklaces don't actually have magical powers, right?"
But I couldn't. I mean, it had nothing to do with making a sale- the necklaces were fairly inexpensive (like $44 and $100)- but I probably would have felt bad, you know, crushing her dreams or whatever (and Robyn's heart grew three sizes that day? Probably not).
Still, I have nothing to say on the subject of crystals.
The things she'd like to see are these rinky dink chakra necklaces. Fine. She picks out the "Third Eye" chakra necklace and tells me that she plans to get it as a christmas present for her acupuncturist. Fine. But then she has to decide which chakra necklace she ought to get for herself. So, for about an hour she debates on whether she needs the "root chakra" necklace or the "throat chakra" necklace- not just which one is prettier, but which one would come more in handy. The throat chakra necklace, she tells me, she needs because she's going to tell her husband she's going to divorce him in a month. And also she's a Taurus, and that's symbolized by the throat, and also she's an actor and "voice over artist." Voice over acting is her passion, she says, other than being a yogi, which she has been for three years. She lets me know that she has lots of crystals at home- because she's a yogi, but the necklace idea is great. Despite the apparent merits of the throat chakra necklace, she decides on the root chakra necklace and a "luck" necklace because she is going gambling on a boat with her mother, and that way she can earn the money back and then come back and purchase the throat chakra necklace when she has to tell her husband about the divorce. Also, she had like, sort of a British accent- but in a Madonna sort of way, like it only popped up every so often.
She was totally, totally serious. And despite the fact that I am a girl who tends to talk far more than is necessary, I had no words. I was silent for most of the hour. I just nodded. And tried not to laugh. Because the whole time I just wanted to say "Um, you know these necklaces don't actually have magical powers, right?"
But I couldn't. I mean, it had nothing to do with making a sale- the necklaces were fairly inexpensive (like $44 and $100)- but I probably would have felt bad, you know, crushing her dreams or whatever (and Robyn's heart grew three sizes that day? Probably not).
Still, I have nothing to say on the subject of crystals.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A movie? Really?
Ok... so it has come to my attention (maybe I'm slow on the uptake and this was a big deal or something) that the book "He's Just Not That Into You" has been made into a movie. Here, I present to you the trailer, which may make you want to stick things in your eye (Seriously. It involves Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johannsen.)
Oh my god! Isn't it just hilarious how women are like, just so pathetic, and so desperate to find a man? Any man? And isn't it just so terrible that all these men are horrible douchebags who will step all over their fragile hearts if given the chance? Wow! I've never seen this movie before! I can't imagine how it might end! Ooh! And there's a Cure song in it! Won't someone please mend Scarlett's broken heart? Oh! Thank goodness there's a man around to tell them all the big scary truth!
This shit goes right up my ass. It just does. These women are totally imaginary- they're like, figments of some asshole dude's fantasy about how every chick on earth is secretly scheming to be his lawfully wedded wife. I do not personally know any human being this pathetic.
I don't know, the moral of this story seems to be the old adage... "When a person has the courage to tell you who they are, believe them." Which has never been difficult for me.
Oh my god! Isn't it just hilarious how women are like, just so pathetic, and so desperate to find a man? Any man? And isn't it just so terrible that all these men are horrible douchebags who will step all over their fragile hearts if given the chance? Wow! I've never seen this movie before! I can't imagine how it might end! Ooh! And there's a Cure song in it! Won't someone please mend Scarlett's broken heart? Oh! Thank goodness there's a man around to tell them all the big scary truth!
This shit goes right up my ass. It just does. These women are totally imaginary- they're like, figments of some asshole dude's fantasy about how every chick on earth is secretly scheming to be his lawfully wedded wife. I do not personally know any human being this pathetic.
I don't know, the moral of this story seems to be the old adage... "When a person has the courage to tell you who they are, believe them." Which has never been difficult for me.
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