Monday, April 6, 2009

Confessional: The Fellas

I started working on this list the other day whilst on break at work. If nothing else, I find it entertaining and cathartic. It's basically a list of confessions regarding various dudes over the span of my life. I am sometimes an asshole, especially since many of these things apply to several instances.

  • It's not that I wanted to "wait" because I thought you were special. I just didn't want to sleep with you because your eyes were kind of yellowy and I thought you might have the hepetitis. It was either that or you were perhaps an albino. I was entirely unsure.
  • I'm sorry I told my girlfriends your shit was deformed, but really, you should not have gone around bragging.
  • I did not really have to go to church. In fact, I am an athiest.
  • I only dated you because you were so enthusiastic about me
  • I mostly dated you to spite a girl who hated me and had a crush on you- primarily because she told you to stay away from me because I'd like, crush your soul with my badness.
  • I'm sorry I acted like you were stupid.
  • I actually liked your friend.
  • I thought your writing was painfully cheesy. Like, nails on a chalkboard, total ladybonerkiller cheesy.
  • I didn't forgive you for something stupid because it was a good excuse to stop seeing you.
  • I thought your tattoo was absolutely moronic.
  • I went for the jugular because I needed a clean break.
  • The primary reason I was hanging out with you is because I was feeling lazy, and I was so out of your league that I didn't feel like I had to bother with make-up and such.
  • You used to be my "the one that got away," but now I am yours and I'm rather smug about it.
  • I did not invite you upstairs after our date because another dude was coming over.
  • Even though I still wake up every morning with your name on my lips, it's only force of habit now and doesn't mean anything.
  • I did not think you were all that funny.
  • I used to put the phone down while you were talking, make coffee, and then come back and pretend I was listening.
  • I am reasonably sure that you are still in love with me.
  • If I had not been a good friend to a bad friend, things might have been different
  • My mom said you looked like an unhealthy goat.
  • I met your girlfriend in the bathroom at a bar, and now understand why you are always grabbing at my ass. She was thoroughly unpleasant.
  • I did not go out with you again because you sent me a myspace message full of spelling errors and internet abbreviations, and I just couldn't find you attractive anymore after that.
  • It annoyed the crap out of me that you pretended to be like, totally hip to that whole feminist thing I got goin' on, when in fact you understood it less than any carfone I could name.
  • I only went out with you because I was pretty sure it would be a good story later.
  • I sincerely think you are the biggest coward I've ever met in my life.
  • I was not half as impressed with you as you imagined I was.
  • I tried so hard not to be shallow, but I failed. I'm sorry.
  • I told my friends that if I were to continue dating you, I'd have to convince you to dye your hair.
  • You were way too old for that shit.
  • I really, really liked you- you wore neat jackets and you memorized and recited my favorite poem to me in the original French, which was maybe the most amazing thing ever, but I couldn't date you because my friend liked you first and had asked me to help hook her up with you. I am probably a putz.
  • I partially started dating you because while I thought you were super dishy, I didn't think you were smart enough for me to get attached to or to figure out how to hurt me. I was wrong on all accounts.
  • I wasn't there that night. Not physically anyway. I didn't have the balls at the time, but my brain walked out in a huff for me.
  • It totally wasn't going to happen.
  • I guess the thing I was most offended by was your lack of taste. Because in case you didn't notice, I am awesome and hilarious and generally rather attractive, whereas whatsherface clearly sucked at life and had no style and brought nothing to the table except maybe being more of a mealy mouthed wimp and looking more like she had fetal alcohol syndrome than I do, if you think of that as a good thing. In what world, seriously? (Not that I'm bitter.)
  • I never expected any more from you than I would from my friends. Unfortunately for you, my friends are awesomely bad ass.
  • I wasn't Catholic, I wasn't a virgin, and I wasn't going to stay home and make you gravy all day. I don't know what made you think that, other than my ethnic make-up.

1 comment:

Britni TheVadgeWig said...

Oh hai. Iz u me?

In the 8 months we were fucking/dating, you never got me off once. I was faking it.

All those times I left our dates to go home because I had to work the next day? I didn't have to work the next day and I didn't go home. I was fucking someone else.

Every time you kissed me, my vagina closed up and I wanted to die.

When you wrote me a letter in elementary school cursive, complete with run on sentences, incorrect spelling, and atrocious grammar, I thought less of you.

I wasn't trying to make you feel stupid, but the fact that you did feel stupid around me means that you definitely are stupid.

You're right. I did think I was too good for you.