I Am Not The Captain In Charge Of Male Virtue Protection

So, Elizabeth Edwards was on Oprah yesterday talking about John Edwards infidelity- I didn't see it, because I don't watch Oprah- but I saw this clip on Jez, wherein she basically puts all the blame on the woman he cheated on her with.

Isn't that always the way? Now, I can understand that she's pissed- but I'm so not down with this whole idea that women are supposed to be the sacred guardians of men's moral compasses or any shit like that. This totally reminds me of how I used to get in trouble in class for things the boys got away with. Double standards= ick. I'm sorry, but it's up to the person who made the commitment to uphold it, not someone who doesn't know your ass. Really, when the situation is turned around, it's not like people get all "Oh my god, how could he do that to another man! He's so evil! Evil evil evil! He's just scum!" about things- no, they're just like "Yeah, he was a dude. He wanted to get some. Big shocker." And even if he is blamed a little, he's hardly going to be villified to the degree a woman is. It's just not the same level of "evil." Evil in men is violence. In woman it's sexuality.

I think there are a couple reasons for this- things that go back to the Bible and Greek myths and all that other shit. I don't especially feel like going into them at this time- but there are a shit ton of stories involving vaginas being the fall of empires and such.

This is all kind of a sore-ish subject for me, to be honest. I'm pretty much on the verge of becoming a political lesbian- mostly because this whole "Oh, you're evil!"/ "Oh, I feel like such a bad person for liking you!" followed by the inevitable "Wow, hanging out with you has totally helped me find myself, and realize that what I really do want in life is the whole Horatio Alger/Norman Rockwell dream" thing is really starting to piss me the fuck off. Like, it's just not cute anymore. It's the same thing, over and over and over again. Blechh. I'm so not evil. I'm probably more fiercely devoted to my own moral code than anyone you could meet, so there.

I've also always attracted quite a bit of attention from men who are not exactly single. I have no interest in this, not because of any moral compunctions so much as they tend to be really annoying as people. Like, seriously, they tend to be looking for free therapy more often than not. Plus, I have no interest in the tales of your very delicate girlfriend whom you aren't exactly in love with but cannot bear to break the heart of by breaking up with her. Because she'd die without you. Ew. They just tend to think they're way more awesome than I think they are, and I find that irritating.

Funny story though, I'm far less suited for that sort of thing than one would think- mostly because I've got a mouth, balls of steel, and have a tendency towards vendettas. This one time, I'd been seeing this dude- did not know he had a girlfriend, but he did. Of two years. I thought I was probably too good for him to begin with, and I pretty much avoided him after that because he just wasn't worth the drama. Besides, I hate dishonesty. Still, dude wouldn't leave me alone- because he thought we were soulmates, and it was driving me up the damned wall.

SO... one day I see him out at this bar with his now fiancee (yeah, because by then they were totally engaged. Ha!), and I acted all super friendly and pretended I didn't know that they were together, and so I whipped out my cell phone and did this whole "Oh my gosh, you would not believe the messages this guy sends me! Hilarious! But seriously, I'm worried for my pet rabbit!" schtick right in front of him. And I promise you, the messages were rather special. I am hilarious. What else would I do? Protect him? Leave the bar? Go into a corner and feel awkward? Please. I have one rule- if someone in a room has to feel like shit, I'm going to make damn sure it isn't me.

Ok, I'm done kvetching. I leave you with my favorite song about affairs and whatnot:



Seriously, favorite thing ever.

A girl you can take home to meet your mother...

(Not a picture of Robyn. At all. For any reason.)

So, the other day, I watched the premiere of VH1's Tough Love (What can I say? I'm a masochist.)- and by the way, can I just tell you that the host dude sounds exactly like Scott Baio? Anyway, the "sad and pathetic" women did some challenge where they got makeovers and then went to some fake party to socialize with fake dudes. Then, after the challenge, the fake dudes critiqued them and talked about what they did right and what they did wrong. I'm not even kidding.

So, anyway, the girl that won the challenge won because some dude said "She's the kind of girl I could take home to meet my mother!" Which the host informed us all, was the single greatest compliment a man could give you.

Oh puke. Coco Chanel was a girl you couldn't introduce to your mother, and I would way rather be Coco Chanel than the lady on that show. Fact is, the type of girl described by men who say that sort of thing isn't the type of girl I'd ever want to be- and those are the kind of men I'd never hang around with anyway. They're always total sickos- trust me. Someone in that equation is an asshat, and it's not the girl you can't take home. But I digress.

After I thought about it for a while, I called my mom to thank her. Because that thought has just never occurred to me. My mother always says "In some families, people keep the crazy relatives in the attic. In our family we sit them right down at the dinner table and have a lovely chat." I am not accustomed to being ashamed of people.

She, of course, says "Oh, you think that's because I like everyone. Not true. I hate everyone. But I hate them equally." This is just her way. But the fact is, I'd never feel uncomfortable introducing anyone to her, because she really is awesomely accepting. It's not even a second thought with her, it's not like she's all "Hello! Look at what a tolerant person I am!" or anything- she just has this innate ability to find everyone interesting, and to bring out the best in people and make them feel important. She firmly believes that everyone has something to offer. She can sit and talk for hours with a good ol' boy from the South (mind you, she's an East Coast feminist and radical liberal), or with a heroin addict, or anyone else for that matter.

My friends have always LOVED my mother. Ever since I was a kid. I remember this one time, she volunteered to work at our school's Santa's Workshop- you know, where you go and get cheesy weird presents for your parents and siblings during school? Well, all these kids came up to me saying "Your mom is so cool! She taught me how to shoplift!"

I asked her about it when I came home, and she told me that the teacher had made the kids who didn't have money with them sit up against the wall, and they weren't allowed to walk around with the other kids who did have money. So, my mom walked up to the kids and announced that they were going to be in her group, and then walked them around and jokingly taught them how to shove things up their sleeves. They didn't ask her to volunteer again, but she wasn't too broken up about it.

I ALWAYS want people to meet my mother. Although, I'd have to say that the people generally thought of as the type others would introduce to their mother would be further down on her list of people she'd want to hang out with.

Come, therefore, and let us fling mud at them!

Ok, so there are all these reports about Obama begging Waxman to get rid of the provision for contraceptives in the stimulus package. Mostly because the Conservatives are threatening not to support it if it's included.

On the face of it, one would imagine that these conservatives, being all anti-choice and shit, would think contraceptives were totally awesome. And they probably would, if their problem with abortion had as much to do with saving the fetuses as they'd like us to think it did. But it doesn't.

See, while most of us read "The Scarlet Letter" and think "Whew! Thank god that doesn't happen anymore!," I kinda feel like these conservatives look at it with a wistful tear in their eye, pining for what once was. A time when street urchins might yell this at you as you walked down the street:

"Behold, verily, there is the woman of the scarlet letter; and, of a truth, moreover, there is the likeness of the scarlet letter running along by her side! Come, therefore, and let us fling mud at them!"

Whatever. Street urchins so never talked like that. In any era. But, you know, they hold onto that hope. See, these people, I believe, look at STD's and unwanted children as today's Scarlet Letters- ways of punishing women who are "impure," and also perhaps giving them an identifying marker- a child. They want to punish them, not because of a moral failing, but because they believe that in being "impure" they have stolen something from men that is rightfully theirs.

For most of history, women's bodies were bought and sold between men, with the women having very little to do with it at all. You know, like "Hey, you give me some chickens, and you can have my daughter's hymen." The idea that women's bodies are their own, and not the property of men is a fairly new concept- one that some people have yet to accept. The idea of having a virgin bride who will never know how much they suck in bed is just too tempting. Unfortunately for these people, 97% of Americans have had premarital sex (which, duh, must include some of these people), and that statistic is unlikely to change.

But sadly, Jenny will never be popular, because Jenny's a whore.

So, recently I was going back through many pages of posts at the insanely amazing Sociological Images, and I happened upon this little gem, featuring Caroline, who is apparently flawless in every way humanly possible, all the dudes that want a piece of her pristine ass, her frumptastic friend Ellie, who is stuck with a douchey boyfriend that leaves her stranded places, and a vaguely ethnic looking chick named Jenny who isn't allowed to mar their holy cafeteria table with her whorish ways and flamboyant headbands.

What they don't show you is the future, where Caroline marries Wally, settles down in the burbs where she has babies, hosts many a Junior League luncheon, and then eventually hangs herself in the closet because she just can't take being perfect anymore. Also, Wally is totally into wife swapping.

Ellie marries her douchey boyfriend because she thinks she doesn't have any other options, but eventually smothers him in his sleep, gets away with it and joins a radical feminist commune.

Jenny, however, stopped giving a shit about people named "Wally" liking her, and started an awesome girl group much like the Shangri-la's, rides a Vespa and lives in a fabulous bohemian loft in the Village where she takes many lovers and tosses them away at whim.

**Gah! This thing refuses to properly embed! So if you can't see it, click on the link for Sociological Images, which goes directly to the video. It's totally worth it.

My, how the world still dearly loves a scarlet letter

Ok, so Washingtonienne blogger Jessica Cutler announced recently that she got engaged- so there's been a bunch of shit being thrown around at various blogs from people who do not know her, but are firmly convinced that she does not deserve to be happy with her new fiance because they primly disapprove of her past. Which, frankly, is pretty lame.

Like I've said before, I totally love it when the bad girls win. It gives me a bit of satisfaction after all those years as a kid hoping The Misfits would beat the shit out of Jem and The Holograms in at least one Battle of The Bands episode. But what got me thinking today was the fact that on a Jezebel post about how, well, everyone deserves to be happy, a lot of women not-so-repectfully disagreed. A running line seems to be that a woman who sleeps with a married man is just as guilty as he is, and I've been hearing this a lot lately- but it's his obligation, not hers.

You know, honestly, I think they have a much better chance of being happy than most people out there. I really do. Let me tell you why: I don't think she's someone who would be with someone just to be with someone. And he's obviously someone who doesn't give a damn about what other people think. Which is bad ass. I think it says a lot about both of them.

I think a lot of the bitterness comes from people who are really into rules and shit, and try to follow them, and then hate to see good things happen to people who don't. I mean, seriously- look at this comment on Gawker:

"Ya know the hilarious thing? We tut, we tsk, but in fact the takeaway message is, "Yes, ladies, you really can have sex with famous people for money
and then find that certain special someone to sweep you off your feet."
As in, whatever the fuck we "normal" people have been doing, clearly we've been doing it wrong."

Honestly- what the hell is wrong with that, really? Who says you have to do things the "normal" way in order to be happy? In any case, the thing that really bothers me is that I can in no way fathom the same comments coming into play if she was a he. Can you? No, because women are held to different standards than men are. Granted this is on a somewhat larger scale than the usual oats sowing, but still...

We are a society obsessed with ritual and reward and penance. If you do things in the prescribed way- even if it's not necessarily what you'd really like to do, and it probably isn't- you get rewarded with "happiness." A very specific type of happiness that comes with a house in the 'burbs, 2.5 kids, a minivan, and once a month "lie back and think of England" sex, and a smug feeling of self-righteousness because you did what you were supposed to do the way you were supposed to do it. And if the people who don't do it that way are appropriately punished, then you can feel comfortable, knowing it was all worthwhile, because at least those people are worse off than you are. But if they get to go and be happy- maybe even happier than you, well, that's just going to drive you up the damned wall now isn't it? Well, suck it up. I wish absolutely the best of luck to those people I don't know.

Did
Someone Forget to Tell Jessica Cutler She's Not Allowed To Be Happy?
(Jezebel)

Washingtonienne
Jessica Cutler is engaged (Gawker)

Jessica Cutler
is engaged (DCist)

The Kiss of The Spider Woman

According to the Daily Mail, Jennifer Aniston said in an as yet unreleased interview with American Vogue "What Angelina did was very uncool." (ooooooh!)

This, of course, passes for news. Even, you know, when actual things are happening in the world.

Let it be said that I have never found Jennifer Aniston to be in the least way even remotely tolerable. I got sick of her in the 90's- primarily, I guess because my sister, in middle school at the time and going through the age of obsession, was overly enamoured with all things Aniston, and even had her hair cut into "The Rachel"- which totally made anyone wearing it look just like a cocker spaniel. Talking about her, writing about her, or acknowledging her existence at all is irritating business for me. But, some things must be addressed.

All the world loves a catfight. So, I don't know- maybe Aniston saying that what Brad Pitt did wasn't "cool" wouldn't sell as many magazines... but still- isn't what he did a lot less cool than what she did? I don't see that Angelina owed her anything- she wasn't the one who married her. To read the tabloids, one would think Angelina had slipped some magic seducing powder into his drink and he couldn't help himself. Which, I'm quite sure, is not the case.

This has happened before (and I've discussed it here before, but I will again). In 1958, Elizabeth Taylor's husband, Mike Todd died in a plane accident- she leaned on his best friend, Eddie Fisher- who was married to Debbie Reynolds at the time- for support. And then in 1959, she married him. This was one hell of a huge ass scandal. People loved Debbie Reynolds- she was a sweet girl, she was an everywoman... She was Tammy. Taylor, on the other hand, was darkly beautiful- considered, in fact, to be the most beautiful woman in the world, a far superior actress, a classic vamp with violet eyes and a bad temper. People hated her after she married Eddie Fisher, and for this reason, was blackballed out of the Academy Awards that year, despite phenomenal performances in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Suddenly Last Summer and Raintree County.

There are kind of a few similarities here and there, ya think? History repeats itself. But the biggest similarity of all- no one ever thought Eddie Fisher was an asshole. It was all Elizabeth's fault. She seduced him- of course he didn't have a choice! And they felt even worse for him when she left him for the true love of her life- and possibly the sexiest man ever, Richard Burton. Poor Eddie Fisher. Poor Debbie Reynolds.

It disappoints me that we haven't evolved all that much since the late 50's. Why is the woman to blame and not the man- even when it's clear that he's done more wrong than she has? Why are we as a culture so eager to think of men as helpless victims of a woman's sexuality? I think it goes back to the Victorian idea that it's the job of women to keep men moral- because I don't think we fault men who "steal" women to the same degree. Personally, I could do without that responsibility.

At the end of the day, though- I just don't believe people can be stolen. I've never understood that idea. I think that if someone can be "stolen" than they weren't really yours to begin with. I don't ever want anyone to hang around me because they think they have to. I feel as though it would be doing me a great disservice, as I am quite charming enough to find people who would hang around because they want to. If you want to hang out with someone else who is not me, than go and be well, and let's not chat about it any further. I do not compete.

Honestly, I truly think that Aniston ought to be grateful to Angelina Jolie for ridding her of someone who did not want to be with her and probably just didn't have the balls to do it on his own without being "seduced."

Yay! I'm actually working on this shit again!

I am in fact once again working on my illustrated interpretation of a piece I wrote a couple years ago called "I Never Liked You Anyway." Basically, it's like a field guide to Robyn's occasionally horrifying incidents involving the opposite sex. It totally needs to be updated to include flip phone pick-up artist. Here are a few of the ones I did before... (it sucks because I totally cannot locate the one about my gothic cookie guy stalker. Alas...)

You'll have to click on them to actually see them, and then click on the large size. Because they just won't fit on here. Sad, but true.

Cult...




Children of the Corn...



Brits...



Dreams...