You know how you have this idea in your head of like, how the "ideal person" would be? I think when I was younger, and maybe even now, the main "ideal" was that they would say or write things that I'd wish to god I had come up with- where I'd get that pang of envy or awe. Or that they'd know things I wish I knew, or be able to do things I wish I could do. Or that I'd just want to walk around their head and see how it worked. It happened a lot when I was younger, but not so much now.
Maybe because I'm happy, and no longer awkward, about the things I say and write. Maybe because I teach myself the things I want to know about, and learn the things I want to know how to do. I don't feel any deficiency in these things anymore. I used to be so impressed by fellas who could beat me in the verbal sparring, I used to be impressed by men who would make reference to something that I'd be dying to go home and look up and research- but it doesn't happen anymore. I've won, but it's, on some level, a Pyrrhic victory. I don't know what to be impressed by anymore.
I am tall, dark, and handsome. I am culturally literate. I speak three languages. I play several instruments. I'm well read. I'm well informed in terms of current events. I'm excellent with the snappy comebacks. I am a walking reference book. I think about how what I say and do will affect other people. I will throw down if someone hurts anyone I care about. People know when I am insulting them. I am the man of my own fucking dreams, and I am choking to death on a silver tongue.
And it's not that I'm the greatest thing ever. I assure you, I'm not. And I don't think I'm smarter than anyone else- I'm just well versed in the things that are/were important to me. I'm fucked up in a lot of ways as well, and will gleefully recite them to anyone who will listen. Maybe I'll make a list later. But right now, I'm jaded and I'm tired- and it's been awfully hard for me to be funny lately. And I'm tired of thinking- "Well, if you can't be endlessly clever or interesting, can you at least be kind?"- and having that be an impossibility.
Oy. I'm such a kvetch.