Saturday, May 24, 2008

Rethought post...

I still haven't been able to figure out how to articulate what it is I mean to say. Which is not an issue I generally have.

I do know that I don't like being a novelty. I feel like that happens a lot because, well- shit, I'm a tall, dark-haired, mouthy, overtly opinionated, very frank Italian girl from the east coast in like, a midwest city full of these super sweet, demure, tiny blonde chicks who like, grew up milking cows and shit and then moved to the big city. I am not something you come across every day here- and yeah, in comparison, I probably seem like the freakin' whore of Babylon. But I never thought of myself in that way before I moved here. It's a difficult transition to make, mentally.

It is weird to me that when I date these super super white guys here, that they totally think that they are doing something risque by hanging out with me. I don't see it that way. I'm kind of used to being the funny girl who says snarky thing sometimes rather than like, Sophia Loren or whatever. I don't know what to make of it. Seriously, if anyone back home saw that people acted like that's what I was, they'd probably fall down on the floor in hysterics. Part of me thinks that I don't really want to date them anymore, because I don't want to feel that way, or be forced to think of myself that way. I want to go back to just being a person.

Prior to moving to Chicago, I had to deal with a lot of things, but not like, assumptions about me based on my ethnicity. I didn't even really feel like I had one until I moved here. I also never had to explain what "agita" means- which, let me tell you, is not an easy thing to do.
I don't know if my cultural issues with Chicago have as much to do with my dago-ness as I feel like they do sometimes. I'm really not sure. I do feel like a lot of people here place a high value on like, middle-of-the-roadness. Like, you achieve some level of special sainthood by no one being able to point you out in a crowd. You're not supposed to draw attention to yourself, really. Which, yeah, is something I do, but not really on purpose. It's just me.

The one guy I did date in Chicago for a long time used to get people, mostly girls, coming at him left and right (who didn't know me) telling him that I was "a really bad person and to stay away from me." Then, he dated a much plainer (trust me, I'm totally being nice by saying plainer) looking girl and thus gained public acceptance. I couldn't figure out why that was then- because I think I'm quite pleasant, but I think I sort of have a handle on it now. It would take more balls than most guys here have to hang out with me in public, because I guess I look less wholesome than the nice, short, blonde farmgirls. Like, they might be more attracted to me, or even like me as a person (gasp!)- but to admit that publicly is tantamount to admitting you like to kill kittens and then masturbate with their corpses or something.

This one time, I was at a bar here, and this girl walked in who was just absolutely stunning. I mean, really, she was just so freakin' gorgeous and well put together that even I couldn't stop looking at her. And I heard these guys next to me talking about her, and the thing that struck me was that one of them said "Yeah, she's really hot, but she knows it." And it was said with such bitterness, you know? Like this girl had committed some terrible sin by not having low self esteem, by not looking like every other girl around. I don't quite get that. But that's the way things are here.

But, at the end of the day, I'm truly happy with who I am. I don't want the way people think of me to affect my feelings about myself.


Anonymous said...

There are things you won't know unless you have a relationship with a straight male for over fifteen minutes. It's nearly impossible to have a relationship with a girl that on a one to ten scale is higher than an eight. It doesn't happen. Gratifying their own need for attention consumes their whole lives and behaves like a charactor flaw as defined by Shakespeare. Some people who are apparently "Losers" took it to heart when a liberal told them at a young age that stereotyping was wrong and that one piece of information or an observance could not be used to write an "autobiography" on that person. Its because of this that people express their bitterness. They at one time weren't thinking in absolutes of what your parents gave you. They used to but they were informed in the context that they could be more whole and this in turn would make their experience of life more in depth and not shallow. You learn if you would not be seen as a attractive couple not to even bother. That is unless you can barter using other ways. The more financial resources you have the better you look. The pretty girls who don't seem to" work out" of a relationship make the warning signs go off the earliest. They are constantly out proving the point of how wonderful they are by using sex as the tool. So if you are a fool that thinks they are going to get lucky you will but only for fifteen minutes. The girl doesn't like you at all. She needs the attention. If you actually like girls and not just want them you are going to learn to leave the egotistical ones alone. The pretty ones are egotistical because they are empowered by their looks. There is nothing wrong with being a self centered beautiful girl who is incapable of acquiring self esteem other than from their reproductive organs so long as you gain it from a self centered handsome guy. Apples for apples and egos for egos. Leave the people commenting at the bar out of it. They weren't pursuing her were they?

P.S Pop-culture is garbage. Don't make me tell you why it's trash for your head.

Miss Robyn said...

Sigh. This is the most bizarrely incoherant thing I have ever read. What do you mean, character flaw "as defined by Shakespeare?" If anything, the whole tragic flaw thing is Aristotle, and, even so, does not so much make sense in this context. None of this makes any sense at all- not one sentence of it. So, uh, I'm not quite sure what I should be responding to here. Oy.