Saturday, May 24, 2008
I still haven't been able to figure out how to articulate what it is I mean to say. Which is not an issue I generally have.
I do know that I don't like being a novelty. I feel like that happens a lot because, well- shit, I'm a tall, dark-haired, mouthy, overtly opinionated, very frank Italian girl from the east coast in like, a midwest city full of these super sweet, demure, tiny blonde chicks who like, grew up milking cows and shit and then moved to the big city. I am not something you come across every day here- and yeah, in comparison, I probably seem like the freakin' whore of Babylon. But I never thought of myself in that way before I moved here. It's a difficult transition to make, mentally.
It is weird to me that when I date these super super white guys here, that they totally think that they are doing something risque by hanging out with me. I don't see it that way. I'm kind of used to being the funny girl who says snarky thing sometimes rather than like, Sophia Loren or whatever. I don't know what to make of it. Seriously, if anyone back home saw that people acted like that's what I was, they'd probably fall down on the floor in hysterics. Part of me thinks that I don't really want to date them anymore, because I don't want to feel that way, or be forced to think of myself that way. I want to go back to just being a person.
Prior to moving to Chicago, I had to deal with a lot of things, but not like, assumptions about me based on my ethnicity. I didn't even really feel like I had one until I moved here. I also never had to explain what "agita" means- which, let me tell you, is not an easy thing to do.
I don't know if my cultural issues with Chicago have as much to do with my dago-ness as I feel like they do sometimes. I'm really not sure. I do feel like a lot of people here place a high value on like, middle-of-the-roadness. Like, you achieve some level of special sainthood by no one being able to point you out in a crowd. You're not supposed to draw attention to yourself, really. Which, yeah, is something I do, but not really on purpose. It's just me.
The one guy I did date in Chicago for a long time used to get people, mostly girls, coming at him left and right (who didn't know me) telling him that I was "a really bad person and to stay away from me." Then, he dated a much plainer (trust me, I'm totally being nice by saying plainer) looking girl and thus gained public acceptance. I couldn't figure out why that was then- because I think I'm quite pleasant, but I think I sort of have a handle on it now. It would take more balls than most guys here have to hang out with me in public, because I guess I look less wholesome than the nice, short, blonde farmgirls. Like, they might be more attracted to me, or even like me as a person (gasp!)- but to admit that publicly is tantamount to admitting you like to kill kittens and then masturbate with their corpses or something.
This one time, I was at a bar here, and this girl walked in who was just absolutely stunning. I mean, really, she was just so freakin' gorgeous and well put together that even I couldn't stop looking at her. And I heard these guys next to me talking about her, and the thing that struck me was that one of them said "Yeah, she's really hot, but she knows it." And it was said with such bitterness, you know? Like this girl had committed some terrible sin by not having low self esteem, by not looking like every other girl around. I don't quite get that. But that's the way things are here.
But, at the end of the day, I'm truly happy with who I am. I don't want the way people think of me to affect my feelings about myself.