Secret: I have actually watched several episodes of "I Love New York," entirely of my own accord.
I am just hypnotized by it. I'm sad it's almost over, to be honest. I have to tell you, in no way can I figure out why this lady had 20 dudes fighting over her... I mean, she was just a whole world of awful.
Anyway, it's made me realize that one of two things should happen:
A) I should make my love life more like a reality TV show
B) I should have my own reality TV show ala "I Love New York" or "The Bachelor" etc.
In the case of premise A, from now on, if I happen to be talking to two fellas in a bar or where ever, I will insist that they run a relay race or battle it out in a cagefight to win my heart.
Premise B, however, I have given a good deal of thought to. It would be called something like "Robyn Thinks You Are All Pretty Much Awful."
The bachelors would consist of people I usually date:
- The guy in his thirties who still collects action figures!
- The really nice but generally insecure guy that I lose patience with!
- The kind of stupid guy that I date because I'm trying to prove that I'm not an intellectual elitist, and also that I can do anything a man can do!
- The guy who is very nice and very pretty and with whom conversation is very much like playing ping-pong with Frances the Armless Wonder. Who is also incapable of getting that joke.
- The recovering alcoholic!
- The not-so recovering alcoholic!
- The guy who never stops talking about his stupid band!
- The guy who I think is "interesting" due to some ridiculous quirk, but who then turns out to be batshit crazy!
- The guy who loves me only for the free therapy I provide and needs 80,000 pep talks a day, yet never fucking asks me how my day was!
-The "I don't know, what do you want to do?" guy
- The guy who gets upset because I'm not being funny or flip or whatever for five seconds because something traumatic has happened!
- The guy who recently broke up with a crazy broad, and then dates me for a while so I can help him recover so that he may go and find another crazy broad and be retraumatized!
-The guy who is pretty much ok until I realize that he sort of looks like ______ and it totally weirds me out
- The guy who thinks I'm his soulmate and is in fact wrong about that.
And others! Too many to list here, mind you. Oh, and also, many fall into more than one category, it's not like I'm that much of a ho)
Anyway, so what happens, is- I go out on dates with these guys. And I'll ask them the usual dating show questions like "If you were an animal, what animal would you be?" and then they would give me the usual dating show answers like "I would be a bumblebee so I could pollinate you all day long baby!"
At which point, instead of giggling or saying "Ooh! You're naughty!" or whatever they say, I just stand there looking horrified.
Oh, and at the end of each show there would be a segment called "What the fuck was that about?... Oh my god, I know- right?" where I talk to my girlfriends (or Mr. Catface) about how fucking lame the guy was, and in turn, they relate the stories of how fucking lame the guy they went out with was who was kind of like that.
And that is pretty much how it would go. Oh also- not all of them would like me, either. Because I always feel like it's really weird how all of the "bachelors" or "bachelorettes" all supposedly actually really like the main person. I just don't feel like that's possible. At least half of them would say "God, doesn't she ever shut up?" or something to that effect. There are lots of things wrong with me- I know this for a fact. Usually the complaints I get have something to do with my verbosity or the fact that I have "too much energy"- which is weird, I've always thought. Oh, that and the fact that sometimes they think I'm crazily vain or egotistical, because they don't get that I'm kidding (which is totally sad, because I actually use the term "delusions of grandeur." Oy.)
So yeah, that's what my super awesome reality TV show would be like. You know you'd watch it, bitches.