Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Smile With Your Vagina?
This evening I was flipping through channels, when what should I see, but a show on the We Channel called "Extreme Wife: Mail Order Brides." The first thing I see is a group of women sitting around a table with bananas, and an older, somewhat crazed looking Ukranian woman announcing that "when we like a man, when we really like a man, we send him a vagina smile."
I was in. Not only was I in, I was plotzing.
The men on the show were exactly what you would expect. They complained about how women in the US "don't know how to take care of a man," and how really attractive women here don't want to date them because they're gross. One especially, um, interesting fella, Kevin, mentioned that women in the states have a thing against creepy guys. Not kidding. He said this. Let's meet Kevin, shall we? (Warning, not entirely safe for work. Also not especially conducive to ever wanting to have sex again)
(Sidenote: The hostess, Dawn Porter, is made of awesome and is totally my new girlcrush. I want her entire wardrobe.)
Kevin is a 43 year old man who lives with his mom in "rural America" and has a license plate on his molester-van which reads "BADBOY3"- he's looking for an 18-25 year old woman who shares his interest in Hannah Montana and the Disney Channel. Huh.
Another one of our bachelors is Frank, a police officer and superchristian. He tries to reel the ladies at the social in by providing them with packages of Jelly Bellys with Jack Chick Tracts attatched to them.
And then there's Marc. Marc has an assault on his record, as he got into a tiff with the father of the underage girl he was dating. He also freaks the fuck out at the girl he was talking to (he carried her picture all the way from the US, he says) after she also talks to Frank.
On the one hand, I find all of this unbelievably hilarious. On the other, the whole idea of creepy, chauvinistic men traveling to other countries to try and buy a perfect looking, submissive wife who will wait on them hand and foot, is just beyond disturbing. On the other, other hand - if there was some magical country filled with dudes who were dishy and entertaining and generally ok with the staggering amount of times a day in which I embarass myself, I might move there.
Sadly, I never did find out what a vagina smile is, nor how to go about sending one. I remain desperately curious.