Thursday, April 3, 2008

Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance!

Oh man...

Yes, it's the New Kids. NKOTB, if you will. Except they're not "new" these days so much as they are "old." Especially the one who was always old.

It seems like just yesterday (or not really) that I was sitting in my friend Heather's living room swooning over their cartoon (which totally existed in case you were wondering) and taking turns hugging her New Kids pillow with all their faces emblazoned upon it. Seriously. Guess who was my favorite?

Oh yes. Jordan. Hey, at least it wasn't the monkey faced one, or the old one. I had this doll, which actually came complete with the rattail hanging off the back of his head. I slept with this doll at night. And to this day, I'm not actually sure if I did in fact like the New Kids or if I was just trying to fit in and have something in common with the other kids. Because at that age I mostly listened to the Oldies station. Anyway, regardless of the music, I did think Jordan was kind of a sex machine.

Fun fact: He was totally wearing a Bauhaus shirt in the video for "The Right Stuff." (See?) I actually still own the "Hangin' Tough" video collection. It's comedy gold- mostly due to the Bergman-esque documentary interludes.

I also have The NKOTB coffee table book, which I credit as being the first piece of erotica I ever owned (it totally predates my first reading of Delta of Venus). No, really- it was creepily overtly sexual for something intended to be owned by an 8 year old girl. There was this one picture of Jordan with some presumably naked chick (although you only saw her stomach and I think some sideboob) and there's this quote above it where he talks about how he has dreams where he's soaring through the air, and then he's (and I quote, it's burned into my memory) "having sex with the flyest girl." Yes, the flyest one of all! I think the old one or the monkey face one talked about doing it too, but that was just gross. Anyway, I was not so surprised later when Jordan turned out to be a total perv.

Carnival sex? Kinky! And also... eew.

Oh, and here's something you probably don't remember! The New Kids have actually tried to reinvent themselves before. Yeah, when Gangsta Rap got popular. Check this shit out, dawg. Clearly, they are rebels who will never be any good.

You know they were all like "Whatevs Snoop Dogg. We can dress up like halloween pimps and make weirdly misogynistic allusions to bestiality too, you know." You know, I don't care what kind of SuperChristian Joey is now (he's made Jesus albums, you know). Those New Kids were into some weird ass shit.

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