Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Holiday Lives of the Saints

St. Patrick's Day is kind of a funny thing. I know I say this every year, but the whole celebration of old timey racism, coupled with the fact that people go around saying that "everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day!" which is not true and it would be weird if it were, tripled by the fact that most people in this country, probably most people celebrating St. Patrick's day are not even Catholic strikes me as odd.

Then again, I'm not Catholic either, but I really like doing Lent because I feel like it's a good idea. I like a challenge.

Back East, where I grew up, Saints Days are a bigger deal, sorta. Or at least there are more of them. I loved going to them when I was a kid, even though we weren't Catholic, because they usually involved a lot of free food. True story, when I was 9 years old, we went to the festival of St. Anthony in Boston's North End, and I lost my wallet. A month or so later, it was mailed back to me (from Florida!), complete with my $40 dollars and my Mighty Mouse Fan Club Membership Card. St. Anthony, if you didn't know, is the patron saint of lost things ("St. Anthony, St. Anthony won't you please look around, something is lost and can't be found" is, I think, his official prayer), and my Noni thought it was a miracle and bragged about it at family gatherings for months, until either another miracle happened or someone died.

Anyway, back to the thing I originally intended to write! I figure, if we're going to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, we might as well celebrate other Saints Days as well. Because celebrating is fun!

August 30th- St. Fiacre's Day- Patron saint of Cab Drivers, Florists, Hosiers, Box Makers, and against Venereal Disease, Piles and Hemorrhoids.

How to Celebrate!: Do a cab driver. A cab driver with hemorrhoids and a pantyhose fetish whom, when getting romantic, will sometimes refer to your lady parts as a "box," perhaps one that he would like to get inside and curl up in like he does for three hours at a time in his taxi over by the park. But make sure to use a condom, and make sure he buys you flowers first (because you're a lady)! Also, for god sakes, pick up the pile of clothes in your room by your closet!

April 16- St. Drogo's Day- Patron Saint of Coffeehouses and Unattractive People, The Mentally Ill, and against Muteness, Hernias, Gallstones, Ruptures and Sickness

How to Celebrate!: Step 1- Go to Filter! Step 2- Ask The Muffin Lady how her day was.

August 24- St. Bartholemew's Day- Patron saint of cobblers, tanners, whiteners, cheese makers, against twitching!

How to Celebrate: OMG Makeovers and shoe shopping!!! At a fancy spa where they have cheese plates!

February 6th- St. Amand's Day- Patron saint of Barkeepers, Bar Staff, Bartenders, Winemakers, Brewers, Wine Merchants, Vintners, Vine growers... and Boy Scouts.

How To Celebrate!: The same way you celebrate St. Patrick's Day! Except that it makes sense, because you're drinking because St. Amand is apparently the patron Saint of all things boozey (and, um, Boy Scouts. Let's not delve into that one.), not because Irish people are drunks! But, you know, if it's not as fun without dressing up like an ethnicity you are not, you can always wear a beret, because dude was French. Also, berets look way cuter than plastic green derbies.

1 comment:

Sun Follower said...

Put me down for one St Christopher... and, um, a Saint Jude.