Monday, June 7, 2010

No Babies!

So.... It seems I'm finally getting to that point in life where some of my friends are actually having babies and getting married and crap. Which is weird, at least to me. Mostly because my average relationship lasts about a month (I'm a quick study, it doesn't take me that long to realize they're terrible), and because, well, taking care of Mr. Catface is responsibility enough for me at this point. Maturity wise, I am still at the point where, if someone tells me they are pregnant, my initial reaction is "Oh my god- what are you going to do about it???" rather than "Congratulations!"

Personally, I don't understand why anyone who wanted a child would have one personally when you can just order out. Lots of kids need to be adopted, and that doesn't require giving up smoking and drinking for a full nine months whilst some alien being feeds off of your predigested food. Call me crazy, but that seems pretty gross. The grossest thing of all, however, is this thing my friend Linday told me about one time- a thing so gross it caused us to shudder on and off for days, months, weeks afterwards:

Do you know what that is? That is a mucous plug. THAT happens in your vag while you are pregnant. How much does the idea of your lady parts having post-nasal drip make you want to die? How much does the fact that someone took a picture of their mucous plug make you want to die? How much does the fact that I actually copied and pasted that into my blog make you want to die? I bet it is a lot.

From wikipedia- "Normally during human pregnancy, the mucus is cloudy, clear, thick, and sticky. Toward the end of the pregnancy, when the cervix thins, some blood is released into the cervix which causes the mucus to become bloody. As the woman gets closer to labor, the mucus plug discharges as the cervix begins to dilate. The plug may come out as a plug, a lump, or simply as increased vaginal discharge over several days. The mucus may be tinged with brown, pink, or red blood, which is why the event is sometimes referred to as 'bloody show'"

No thank you!

If I were in charge of sex education, this would be the first thing I would talk about. There would be no pregnancy pacts in my classroom. Only girls who looked forward to a bright, mucous plug free future of getting to spend days off in their 20's fighting off a hangover, eating cold pizza, and writing about how gross pregnancy is, while wearing a tiara and hanging out with some awesome cats. That is what I am doing anyway, and it's pretty sweet. I would say "Having children only adds to the amount of laundry you have to put off doing!" I would show them pictures of tapeworms, and tell them that that is pretty much what pregnancy is, except that it does not make you thin. I would show them pictures of popped out belly buttons, which is the third grossest thing that can happen to you while pregnant. I would say "Do you know that it is possible that your lady parts will turn a different color afterwards? Because one time I heard that was a thing that could happen!" I would show them the movie Alien.

I know, I know. Talking about how gross having a baby is is a touchy subject. Much like the subject of talking about how hilarious artsy-ish/professionally done hipster couple photos are, as I found out the other day. Sheesh. I won't even touch that one because apparently it's something I am not deep enough to understand. Just like you'll probably tell me that the miracle of birth is some wonderful thing that I will someday want to experience. Neither of these things are true. Nevertheless, if I end up either getting pregnant, or taking a black and white picture with a gentleman caller up against a brick wall, holding cigarettes and looking chock full of ennui, I advise you to feel free to push me down the stairs. I'm just sayin'.


Amanda said...

I guess I can kind of see where you are coming from here, but the mucous plug doesn't sound much grosser than my period, to me. However, bloody nipples (not pregnancy related -- just a thing that happened to a friend recently when she accidentally CUT HER NIPPLE WITH A RAZOR) make me want to die.

So I guess we all have our things.

Robyn said...

Still, you have to admit that "mucous plug" is the grossest term for anything ever.

Britni TheVadgeWig said...

Dude, I'm right there with you. The guy I'm kind of seeing and I just had this talk this weekend, about how gross pregnancy is. And I kept referring to the fetus as a parasite, because IT IS. And if I *did* decide to have kids, I'd totally adopt because a) being pregnant seems wholly undesirable, and b) lots of kids need homes.

Chelsea said...

This made me laugh so hard.. for the record.. I am actually 38 weeks pregnant... and I had no idea how gross it could actually get.. but reading this made my day.. it sounds just like a rant one of my best friends would make, who feels exactly the same way!

Sarah O. said...

I totally agree... I thought I was the only person who thought of fetuses as parasites! :D You have made my day. I don't feel so alone anymore! Thank you so much for posting this! XD

Also, my friends all know that the day they get pregnant and decide to keep the baby is the last day I'll ever speak to them. Not like I'm an awesome friend anyway, but I don't want to see them become the typical idiotic spawn-toting broodmares you see so often these days...