Monday, January 21, 2008

I know it's been a while...

And I guess this has been something of an abandoned project for me. But I'm bringing it back. Why? For a variety of reasons, none of which are all that interesting.

To tide those of you over who still have me on your rolls or subscriptions, until I get some new things to say, here is something I posted on my myspace blog a bit ago, and then updated today. It's a full life.

List of things that Cosmo thinks are sexy but are in fact not (updated!).

1. Wigs. A big Cosmo sex tip has always been "wear a wig in bed so he feels like he's with another woman!" If this works for you, I feel like you have a lot more problems than it can possibly solve. Number one being the fact that a wig stays on your head the whole time. I had enough trouble keeping the wig on my head this Halloween just walking around bars. Obviously, you're doing something wrong. Also, you're dating someone who can keep a straight face while you're wearing one, when any normal person would not be able to. People look stupid in wigs. Frankly, if he wants to do someone else that much, he can go ahead and do so. Really, knock yourself out buddy. I'm not wearing a freakin' wig.

2. Notes. This is another big one. Once upon a time they even had these little cards that you could cut out of the magazine and put into your boyfriends pocket or whatever, that said "I'm not wearing any underwear" or "I'm totally gonna do you later" and various things to that effect. First of all, you put something like that in someones pocket, and things can go terribly wrong. Like when they pay for coffee that morning. I bet there are a lot of very confused baristas waiting on the boyfriends of Cosmo subscribers. Also, I don't see how the thing about not wearing underwear really helps anyone who is not present at the time.

3. Striptease classes. Jen and I were just discussing this yesterday. This is another issue of taking yourself waaay too seriously. I once took a burlesque class at the gym, and totally lost it when they started making us crawl around on the floor. You'd also have to figure that anyone you were doing this for has already seen you naked before (otherwise that might just be the most hilarious one-night stand story ever, next to mine about the guy who tried to slow dance with me to "Lady in Red"), which means it's not like he's going to see anything new, unless you've grown another nipple over night or something. Which would not be that sexy.

4. Edible underwear. The logic of edible underwear has long perplexed me. You can't just happen to have it on beforehand, because it would get all linty and gross, and I imagine it would not be all that comfortable walking around all day with a fruit roll-up in your pants. Either you'd have to be all "oh, let me change into something a little more comfortable" and come out wearing it, or put it on during... I don't get it. It's all too complicated and tedious. I also don't think eating a fruit roll-up is all that awesome of a time.

5. Jen reminded me about this one... This one time, Cosmo suggested you put a donut on his man parts and eat it off. I don't even know where to begin with this one, except to say that a) Donuts. Not hot. and be b) if the donut fits... I wouldn't expect a great time otherwise.

6. Naughty Jenga. Yup. Naughty...Jenga. Roll that one around your head for a moment. I bought the new issue of Cosmo last night, and this was one of the ways to become "closer to your man." By writing "naughty suggestions" on the Jenga blocks, and then playing Jenga... or something, I don't know. It's Naughty Jenga! And you lead an unbelievably sad life!

7. Ok, this is my theory. The editors of Cosmo are just really, really hungry. They are STARVING. Otherwise, there is just no viable explanation for the bad erotica in the back this month. What Cosmo calls its "red hot read." Which is about some dude who totally loves this girl that he just met five minutes for her awesome self and not her 80 bajillion dollars, who chases her out of a party in order to make sure she is ok, and then proceeds to break out.... the ice cream.

"He really is going to make me into his own personal sundae! Dani thought, and then gasped."

NO! No no no no no no no.

8. They give you a schedule of what to talk about with "your man:"

1) On Friday night, ask him how his buddies are doing
2.) Saturday, in bed, ask him to spill his "in the sack" fantasy.
3.) Sunday morning- "Lounge in bed while planning next weekend"

Oy! Ok, here is a tip. If you need a magazine to help you schedule talking to another human being, you need to be in a sheltered workshop. Seriously. In fact, if you read Cosmo for any other reason than the fact that it is totally fucking hilarious, you need to be in a sheltered workshop. It's pretty much a fact.


Anonymous said...

If you look into the age demo-graph of Cos from a mentality view point and not from age everything makes sense.I suppose it is sad to hear that I actually have a interest in female issues and make an effort to not be hubris and you still get inflicted with claptrap like this.I apologize for this.If it's displayed at the checkout , it's only fit to line a bird cage.I have read mainstream womens magazine articles that if you substitute the subject for a masculine one "change the nouns", I would swear it was written by a man.The nouns are not the only things that should be different, the thinking should be to.It sort of disgusted me.Should we be an extrapolation of our childhood?The relationship issues they address are stupid to most because they are targeted to young girls who haven't passed through adolescence yet and by NO MEANS formed an opinion that they can attest is their own on any subject matter.The reason that the advertisers can target the age group outside of nine to fourteen is because the so called women have not mentally evolved past adolescence.They are old girls, not women. Responsibilities do not ordain us as adults. Evolution only takes our minds to adolescence.Getting past this depends on your own volition which YOU RP have an abundance of. I know of some one that is most likely a feminist but doesn't know what one is.I think your core archetypes as C.J. puts it are the same.When I look at feminist websites I come to the conclusion that the greatest purpose they serve is to offer support and encouragement that provides strength in a hostile environment.I am absolutely, regrettably and incapable to be a muse in this situation.I read at D.O.A.M.G were you liked to take children under your wing when you were little.Maybe you can fit one more.I will Email you her name at Bust and you could view and possibly ask her to be a friend on M.S.

Conclusively Yours, Insecure Lacking Self Esteem,AND Unacknowledged

12 pack said...

I disagree with you about fruit rollups. They are awesome.

Not as edible underwear, you do have a point with that. But overall I would have to say that fuit rollups are one of the best things ever created.

I'm just saying.

The New Jan Brady said...

Thank you for making me laugh today! This was the best blog entry EVER! It makes me want to get a job with Cosmo so I can go write ridiculous things for them to print! How fun would that be to make up a list of dumbass things and see it in a magazine and KNOW people are going to try them. Let's write our own list of stuff and try to sell it to Cosmo! HAHAHAHAHHA

You rock my world lady!