Good Skin

I feel pretty importantly about good skin. So much so that I once plotted to moisturize a man in his sleep. It's true. So... I thought I'd share with you my absolute favorite skin trick. Mostly because I don't quite feel like going off to work just yet.

All you need is Albolene (if you don't have any, run over to Walgreens and get some. It's the cheapest miracle worker ever) and a business card/credit card/ID of some sort. Smear the albolene all over your face, more thickly than you normally would. Leave it for about 15 minutes, and then scrape it off with the card. Then put it on again and massage your face for about ten minutes. Then, scrape it off again with the card.

And that's it. It's a little gross, especially because a couple layers of skin are going to come off with the Albolene, and if you haven't exfoliated in a while, it might be a bit, well, black. But I promise you'll look prettier afterwards. It's true. And now, off to work.

Wait and See

Have you heard? John Krasinski is directing a film version of David Foster Wallace's Brief Interviews With Hideous Men! Oh, you have? And are you as generally suspicious of everything you've heard about it as everyone else is? Probably.

Me, I kinda winced when Krasinski said it was a feminist film. Which is weird, because normally I find everything he does infinitely adorable. But I didn't think the book was necessarily feminist (unless you are of the mindset that all we do is sit around and talk about hating men)- and I just feel like I'll have to hold off judgement until I see the movie. I mean, it's not that I don't think men can be feminists, it's just that I have a "wait and see" policy on it.

Also, a lot of the time, books that are amazing just don't translate to film very well. The movie versions of The Handmaid's Tale, Everything is Illuminated, The Bell Jar, Breakfast of Champions, 1984, etc. were all pretty forgettable and disappointing.

The preview is available here http://theenvelope.latimes.com/news/env-et-krasinski19-2009jan19,0,7576803.story.

It looks a little romantic comedy-ish... but I don't know, I hope it's good. Especially because he's just so gosh-darned excited about it. Although, quick word of advice- whenever someone says "Will you promise not to be mad/offended/whatever if I tell you something?"... Don't. Because you totally will, otherwise they would not have said that.

How not to date a tool

In addition to having been horrified by that "Tool Academy" show the other night, I've also spent some time thinking of ways one would avoid being in that particular situation. There are reasons I don't. I take after my mother, who doesn't take shit from anyone. My father criticized her macaroni once and she dumped it in his lap. Ever since then he's said everything she makes is fabulous.

Now, it's not as though I've never dated a douchebag- I think we all know that this is not the case. However, as soon as they revealed themselves to be as such, they were promptly dismissed (I said 'Good Day!' Sir!).

But anyway, here you go! (also, though I say "he" in several instances, most of it goes for everyone)

1. Enjoy your own company to the point where you are not afraid of being alone. If you aren't afraid of being alone, you will never be hesitant to walk.
2. Always be willing to walk.
3. Get a pre-fab man (or woman)- not someone you feel you have to change the personality or behavior of. (I assume that most people need a bit of my help in the realm of style and skin care.). Should you need a project, I suggest you take up needlepoint.
4. Be aware of how people make you feel about yourself, and know when you have been insulted. If someone is giving you a self-esteemectomy, you don't need to be around that person.
5. Believe people when they tell you who they are.
6. Always remember that the beginning of any affair is "The Honeymoon Period"- the best it is probably ever going to be. I suggest you start on a high note, rather than with a list of things you already have to work on. You can't very well sing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore" if he never did it to begin with.
7. Screw me once, shame on you- screw me twice, shame on me. You'd think it would be obvious by now.
8. There is no such thing as a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever. There is only someone telling you what to do and you going along with that.
9. Pay more attention to their manners than you do to their personal tastes.
10. Never, for one second, think of yourself as a victim or as a doormat. We tell people how to treat us, and if you, as the main authority on yourself, do not think you are fantastic and strong, than no one else will either.
11. Remember that we are no longer in the 50's. Sure, there was a time when maybe you needed a husband lest you risk starving to death on the street- but luckily, that is no longer the case. You are better off being alone for the rest of your life than living it being stuck with a douchebag.
12. Ideally, no one should have to feel like crap. However, if someone must- make damn sure it isn't you. Or at least make sure that they feel worse.
13. Listen to how they talk about their parents. If they're shitting on the people who raised his damn ass, don't think you're getting any special treatment. Also highly indicative of maturity.
14. Dating is like shoe shopping. If you try and shove your foot into a size four, it's going to be nothing but a pain. If it doesn't fit, move on and try another pair. It's not the end of the damn world.
15. Don't take no shit.

Cheers!

Thought you should know.

"Fashion Tape" (available at department stores, boutiques, etc)- $13
"Hem Tape"- (available at dollar stores, CVS, Walgreens, where ever)- $1

And they are pretty much the exact same thing. Actually, hem tape works better. Just thought you should know

Overthinking the Shirelles

Ok, when I was like 8 or 9, this was maybe one of my favorite songs ever. It was on one of those cheapo compilation tapes that I think I got from Caldor or someplace, and I actually haven't heard it since. So I'm quite excited, as it is just as awesome as I remember it being.



HOWEVER... I was confused then by the logic of the song, and I remain perplexed. Of course, a lot of these old songs are a little odd- The Duke of Earl still makes no freaking sense to me, and it took me years before I understood that Carole King had written the song "He Hit Me, and it Felt Like a Kiss" as an anthem against domestic violence, and Dion is a total hypocrite (What? He gets to be The Wanderer and at the same time condemn Runaround Sue? What the fuck ever). Still, it makes me a bit uncomfortable. But this song, while lovely, is such a glaring example of weirdly flawed logic, that I feel the need to examine it.

Shirley- seriously, just break up with the other dude. It's that simple. Honestly, what good are you doing him anyway when you're all into the other guy. How is that fair? And is he really all that fragile? Maybe he could find someone who actually likes him and isn't staying with him out of pity. And then everyone could be happy. I mean- what are you going to do? Marry the guy? Spend your life in a loveless relationship because you didn't want to hurt his feelings? Eventually the resentment will pile up and you'll both end up hating eachother- this scenario doesn't end well, I would imagine.

Good song. Flawed logic.

I don't lose arguments, let me tell you why

Amongst other things the supposed left-wing media could learn from me (and by that I mean leftist blogs and pundits, not the general media- which if you ask me, leans to the right)- is how to win an argument. I am an unbelievably frustrating person, insofar as you will never, ever win an argument with me. It may occasionally be a tie, if you're good- but you won't win. Why?

1. Always stick to facts. Actual facts, and then only those that you can back up with evidence and research.

2. Steer clear of ad hominem attacks. Attack the issue, not the person. Ad hominem attacks are the last resort of those who are unsure of their position.

3. Don't say anything out loud unless you are absolutely certain of it being true.

4. Insist that your opponent back their shit up with actual evidence/research/details. Or say anything along the lines of "some people say"- demand to know who those people are, specifically. Considering the fact that most people talk out of their asses, this is where you usually win.

5. Don't argue using previous personal experiences, stories you have heard, or legends others have told. Avoid strawman arguments. If you say anything someone can easily poke a hole in, you have pretty much already lost.

6. Stay absolutely, totally, completely, nerve-rackingly calm. Always let them be the ones to get histrionic. Whenever they do get histrionic, start talking even more quietly and calmly. This is where pundits fail.

7. Don't make sweeping statements. If they make a sweeping statement, say, like "Women are bad drivers"- the logical follow up to that is "Have you been in a car with every woman on earth?" The answer is obviously no, which negates their argument. If they say it's a statistical thing, (I just mean in general! Most women are bad drivers), of course, mention that men pay higher insurance rates and get into more fatal accidents than women do.

8. Ask questions that demand a specific answer. For instance, if debating abortion- before you let them expound upon the sanctity of life and life beginning at conception, ask them what they think would be an appropriate punishment for a teenage girl who had an illegal abortion. Very rarely do they have an actual answer for this. If there is, the follow up question is naturally something along the line of "would it be fair that women with money would be able to go to other countries to get one safely and legally, but that poor women would be subject to possibly unsafe abortions and [whatever legal ramifications suggested].

9. Avoid any and all logical fallacies.

10. Don't argue emotion, intuition, or gut feelings. I actually once had an argument with a girl who insisted that the original purpose of WWII was to defeat Hitler, and when I told her that, well, no- our main goal was to stop Japan from becoming too powerful and actually when people tried to come here to escape Hitler and told us what was going on over there, we sent them right back because well, America was actually pretty anti-semetic in those days... insisted that this couldn't be true because her grandfather had fought in WWII and to say that was an insult to his memory. I can't even get into the myriad reasons that was ridiculous (especially since pretty much all of our grandfathers fought in that war)- but you can't win an argument based on things you "feel" are true. Unless you're Steven Colbert.

That's pretty much it. It's not the most complicated thing in the world. I learned to argue from my mother, who is freakin' brilliant at it. We'd make either really fabulous talking heads, or annoy the crap out of everyone. Still, I think the so-called left would be much better off following our rules rather than going off on these tangents.

It's just not the way to go...

Once upon a time, when I was a bit more active in my activism, I had a massive disillusionment. See, because I made the startling discovery that supposedly progressive men were just as likely to be sexist, misogynistic, and chauvinistic as other men. And quite honestly, a lot worse some of the time, because they thought they were somehow exempt from it because of their generally leftist beliefs. They'd brush off any accusations of sexism by stating that feminism was just an issue for "middle class white women."

This is what is going to get the Democrats in trouble- the whole thinking they're exempt thing. See, the Republicans were smart... I hate to say it, but it's true.

Sarah Palin wasn't selected because they thought that women who supported Clinton were going to turn around and vote for her just because she happens to be a woman. She was selected because the Republicans knew they'd go after her with the same sexist shit they used on Clinton, and that then they'd be able to turn it around and use it against them. Which, you know, is exactly what they're doing.

No one seems to be discussing her horrifying environmental policies, the fact that she's anti-choice, her ridiculous positions on health care... nope. They're too busy calling her a blow-up doll, critiquing her abilities as a mother, and making comments about her looks.

Instead of harping on the fact that she *has* an pregnant teenage daughter, why not, uh, mention the fact that she cut funding for pregnant teens? Wouldn't that make just a little bit more sense?

Obama's "lipstick on a pig" comment was just stupid. It was just stupid on any level. If he didn't mean it to refer to her (and quite honestly, I think he did, especially as it was followed up by the old fish in newspaper comment- which obviously referred to McCain. I'm just going to say it.), then both he and his staff are um, not thinking very clearly if they didn't think it would be interpreted that way. It was very dude-ish. It was very "I'm going to say something totally horrible to you and then act surprised when you're offended by it and swear to god you're taking it the wrong way." Every woman on earth knows that trick.

If the supposed Left were smart, they'd focus on the issues and stay away from the sexist shit, which, I promise you, is NOT GOING TO HELP. It's just not. Let them be the sexists! Let them be the assholes.

But, of course, no one ever listens to me. I'm just a woman.

Robyn answers your burning questions

So, I noticed recently that I get a lot of hits from people asking Google what to do about finding out their "boyfriend" is married- due to a post I wrote about finding out that my hypothetical boyfriend, Vincent D'onofrio, is in fact married. While that post, obviously, offers no advice whatsoever, I think I can help.

This movie doesn't end well- and I'm not saying that for any of the following Oprah-fied reasons:

1. Marriage/commitment are sacred! How could you do that to another woman?!?
2. He'll break your heart in the end!
3. If he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you!

Because- shit, whatever- if you're at all like me, you could give a crap less about morality and are probably emotionally detached from the situation anyway. At the end of the day, however- it's just a fucking annoying, pain in the ass, inconvenient situation for you, the other woman.

Why? Because you only get to be half a person. The part of you that's cute, and sexy, and charming gets to stay, and the part of you that has a bad day sometimes, and doesn't always have matching underwear, and has to be up early in the morning for work has to go- at least when he's around. Because, when he's dealing with you, he's looking for a respite from all that crap. And you have to settle for whatever time is good for him- and maybe as far as he's concerned you only exist at lunch break, or at 3 in the morning or whenever. He will get way more out of the situation than you will- he gets two and you get half of one (who probably ain't that great anyway). And you will get resentful and bitter because, really, you're not a fucking geisha, and you are a real, whole person, with bad days and mismatched underwear, and headaches and a job. And soon, everything about him will make you angry. Maybe you don't care about bourgeois morality, but you sure like it when people are nice to you, and you think honesty is pretty awesome- and quite frankly, you think he's kind of a weenie for bothering to be married or otherwise attached when he doesn't actually want to commit to the person.

At the end of the day, the effort will never be worth the outcome. So, enter at your own risk- but if it doesn't feel good, don't do it.

Boy problems I am sick of solving

And here is the advice that you will never take. And then later you'll come back and say you wish you had. I never get any satisfaction out of "I told you so's."

1. The Controlling Boyfriend! Guess what? There's no such thing as a "controlling boyfriend." There's someone telling you what to do, and you going along with that. If you don't go along with it, he's not controlling you! Unless the dude has a knife to your throat, you are free to leave at any time! And there's no paperwork! Because you're not fucking married! If he's "controlling" you, I can't imagine why you think he's so precious that you want to hang around anyway.

How to avoid this situation: The first time he tells you what to do, look at him like he has 5 heads. And laugh. If that doesn't work, leave.

2. He Takes Me For Granted! Perhaps if you didn't constantly drop everything you were going to do in order to hang out with him at a moments notice, or constantly do shit for him without expecting reciprocation of any kind (except for the gloriousness of his company), he wouldn't. People, consciously or subconsciously, test you to see how far you can be pushed.

How to avoid this situation: Don't do shit for someone who isn't doing shit for you. Don't put up with shit you don't want to put up with.

3. I feel like I might want to cheat on him with this other guy that I think I like more! Then obviously, you don't like him that much. Maybe you guys shouldn't be in a relationship.

How to avoid this situation: If you want to date/make out with/ do other people, do not sign up for a committed relationship. For god sakes, it's not like car insurance!

4. I keep ending up with douchebag boyfriends! Then maybe you need to be single and work on yourself for a while.

How to avoid this situation: Once you figure out that the guy is a douche (it doesn't take that long!), stop dating him.

5. We've only been dating for a week, but we already need couple's therapy, as we have thus far racked up more problems than most people who have been married for 40 years: It's not going to get better, it's only going to get worse. The beginning of the relationship is when things should be awesome and fun and drama-free. If they suck this early on, they're going to suck a lot worse after the honeymoon period.

How to avoid this situation: Guess!

6. He's really jealous! This, actually, is not your problem. It's his. He will have to get over it. Unless, shit, you're one of those people who likes to complain/brag about how jealous your significant other is, because you think that makes other people think you're way awesome and worth desperately clinging to. Then, shit, admit that you like it and stop kvetching to me.

How to avoid this situation: Learn this phrase- "I'm sorry you feel that way." and ignore it. Don't start fights over it, don't give it any weight at all.

Robyn's Rules of Order...

I have a magical secret for good livin'.

I do and say exactly as I please, and as I mean, all the time... and the ceiling never falls down upon me. Other people do this, of course- I just choose to be very frank about it. It's just less complicated that way.

I like people to be well aware that where I am is where I want to be, and otherwise I would not be there (work, of course, excluded). That what I am doing is exactly what I want to be doing, and otherwise I would not be doing it. Do you have any idea how much easier and more clear life would be if everyone operated this way?

I am weirded out by the concept of people who are friendly with people they don't like. It bothers me that they think they are so damned fantastic that they must shelter others from the harsh blow of their disapproval. Or that it's still important that the person they don't like likes them and thinks they are a nice person. I do not care either way.

It just seems like a lot of work. It exhausts me to think about it.

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My mom always said that we do not have a family in which we keep the crazy ones up in the attic and slide their food through the door. We sit them right down at the damn dinner table and introduce them to the neighbors. That is our way. I throw my crazy on the table. I will gladly give you a divers schedule of my personal faults and imperfections. I am of the opinion that saying things out loud takes away their power over you.

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On the plus side, my unusual behavior and philosophy basically guarantees that I will never cheat on anyone. Why? Because I wouldn't be in a relationship in the first place if I didn't want to be. I am not such horrible company that I am bothered by being alone, and I don't think that anyone thinks I am so fantastic and so desperate for my personal company that I would feel I had to placate them in that way. Really, like, why bother? Once again, way too much effort. I also expect the same in return. Like, I sincerely couldn't give a shit less if someone wants to date other people. I really couldn't. If you want to go, go and be well. The idea of being coddled or placated makes me feel stabby.

New obsession!

Ok, so Rock of Love is over (though can I just say that "Ambre" winning is such bullshit?), and Bindi Irwin hasn't done anything exciting/horrifying in a while...

Thank goodness for Khia!

Last night I watched "Miss Rap Supreme" on VH1... and it was all I'd hoped it would be, and more... except that the awesome chick rapping about Challah bread did not make it on the show (I so want to be her BFF). But Khia did! You may recall Khia as the chick who sang that song that made you never ever want to have sex again--- My Neck, My Back!

I'm sorry... nothing anyone can ever do or say will make the term "crack" sound sexy. It is just not. Also, may I just say... my favorite part of this video is the slip n slide?

AAAAAAAANYway. Bitch is hilarious. Just watch the show... but what's even more awesome is that she writes an advice column for Hood Magazine! Check it out, it will rock your face.