People who need people.

Ok, for years now, I have been weirdly obsessed with personal ads. Not like, writing them or responding to them- because, frankly, I watch too much Law and Order and generally have enough trouble dealing with the dudes I know in real life. I just like reading them. I find them fascinating and hilarious. Plus, I think it's an interesting way to find out about people.

Things I have discovered about people in personal ads, a not-yet comprehensive list.

-They like fun. As opposed to everyone else in the world.
-They like to laugh. See above.
-They like "enjoying life" "exploring everything that life (*or the city) has to offer."
-They like going out to a foreign movie, an art exhibit, or to dinner- but they also enjoy just cuddling on the couch.
- They like movies and also music.
-They either are, or seek a woman who is just as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as she is in an evening gown. This seems to be an especially important and sought after quality.
-Older dudes refer to themselves as gentlemen and are usually looking for a nice or special lady, gal or companion- which I suspect means they are looking for someone their own age because I think most girls I know would balk at being called any of those things. Oh, and they use the term "petite" a lot.
- No one under the age of 40 refers to themselves as being sexy, or as having an "amazing" smile or "amazing" eyes.
-Women who want to be treated as "princesses" and men who are looking to treat a woman as one often express a love for boating.
- Most enjoy camping or hiking. Odd, considering we live in Chicago and I do not imagine there is much of that going on here.
- Younger women toe the Manic Pixie Dream Girl line. We used to call these "Amelie" ads, since most of the women writing them would describe themselves as such.
- Younger dudes go for absurdity. Sort of like Ubu Roi meets Must Love Dogs kind of thing. I guess.
- Forced sounding whimsicality on all ends.
- Dudes are way bigger on cuddling. snuggling etc.
- All very fond of that whole "dance like no one is watching" greeting card poem thing.
- Older people always claim to look younger than they are. No one ever writes "50 and totally looks it"
- Phrase "free spirit" thrown around way too much.
- They often like "this" and also it's total and complete opposite. Which indicates well roundedness I suppose?
- Those who use the terms "good hearted" or "god fearing" can rarely spell.
-Older men in the personals tend towards being musicians, while the older women tend to be, uh, writers. Which is slightly depressing.

PS- I've developed a fondness as of late for the totally resentful and angry ads, which are generally written by men. Features of said ad often include some sort of espousing about how said dude is only nice human being ever and how you probably just want to take his money and fuck with his head anyway. Total laughs.

Robyn answers your burning questions

So, I noticed recently that I get a lot of hits from people asking Google what to do about finding out their "boyfriend" is married- due to a post I wrote about finding out that my hypothetical boyfriend, Vincent D'onofrio, is in fact married. While that post, obviously, offers no advice whatsoever, I think I can help.

This movie doesn't end well- and I'm not saying that for any of the following Oprah-fied reasons:

1. Marriage/commitment are sacred! How could you do that to another woman?!?
2. He'll break your heart in the end!
3. If he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you!

Because- shit, whatever- if you're at all like me, you could give a crap less about morality and are probably emotionally detached from the situation anyway. At the end of the day, however- it's just a fucking annoying, pain in the ass, inconvenient situation for you, the other woman.

Why? Because you only get to be half a person. The part of you that's cute, and sexy, and charming gets to stay, and the part of you that has a bad day sometimes, and doesn't always have matching underwear, and has to be up early in the morning for work has to go- at least when he's around. Because, when he's dealing with you, he's looking for a respite from all that crap. And you have to settle for whatever time is good for him- and maybe as far as he's concerned you only exist at lunch break, or at 3 in the morning or whenever. He will get way more out of the situation than you will- he gets two and you get half of one (who probably ain't that great anyway). And you will get resentful and bitter because, really, you're not a fucking geisha, and you are a real, whole person, with bad days and mismatched underwear, and headaches and a job. And soon, everything about him will make you angry. Maybe you don't care about bourgeois morality, but you sure like it when people are nice to you, and you think honesty is pretty awesome- and quite frankly, you think he's kind of a weenie for bothering to be married or otherwise attached when he doesn't actually want to commit to the person.

At the end of the day, the effort will never be worth the outcome. So, enter at your own risk- but if it doesn't feel good, don't do it.

Southpaws and bohemia.

Did you know that both Obama and McCain are left handed? And that five of the six last presidents were in fact left handed? Are you surprised that this is news?

Fun fact about Robyn!- I once went through a phase where I dated left handed men exclusively. I also ate nothing but jell-o for an entire month when I was 13, and ate only with chopsticks for a whole summer when I was 17. I didn't have much to do in those days besides formulate new and interesting quirks. But, back to the left handed thing- I don't do that anymore. With the passing of a few years, I matured some and discovered much better methods. For instance, if I ever date another drummer, Jen has permission to take a drumstick and shove it in my eye. I am also no longer allowed to date anyone simply because they like zombie movies, or to ever again utter the phrase "Well, sure, he's not exactly dreamy... but he seems really nice! (It's never true. Call me shallow, but this plan has just never worked out for me). I also refrain from men carrying around a copy of "Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," men who wear sandals, men with unfortunate facial hair statements, republicans, emotional masochists, poor spellers, etc. Oh, and I always plan to keep this in mind:

Bohemia

Authors and actors and artists and such
Never know nothing, and never know much.
Sculptors and singers and those of their kidney
Tell their affairs from Seattle to Sydney.
Playwrights and poets and such horses' necks
Start off from anywhere, end up at sex.
Diarists, critics, and similar roe
Never say nothing, and never say no.
People Who Do Things exceed my endurance;
God, for a man that solicits insurance!

Dorothy Parker