I thought I wanted an apple cinnamon muffin, but it turns out I want to eat a baby

Oh Christ. I thought/hoped I was hallucinating the other night when this thing popped on the telly:



Via http://www.videogum.com/


Really? Baby hungry? Baby hungry? Ew. I don't know a single "single girl" that doesn't screech in horror or throw up in her mouth at the mere mention of child bearing/rearing, so I do not know where you are getting your information from, Mr. Dude I've Never Heard of Before, but I suspect that you might be the delusional one here.

Yeah, we're all totally after your super high quality sperm, there. I dream of the day when I might drop a mucus plug and squeeze out a nine pound demon child with my eyes and your hairplugs. Also, I want to be your girlfriend and subsequently marry you, despite the fact that you are basically terrible in every way possible. You know, because you've got a penis and all. Everything else is just gravy.

Oh, and also, I'm Cathy. Ack! And I love shoes! And chocolate! And talking about my weight! And, um, whatever else the womenfolk are into these days! Ack! Marry me!

See, this is the thing- women are just not like this any more- not the vast majority anyway- and at least no one I personally know. To tell me to stop being desperate for a man and baby hungry is in the same league as telling me to stop speaking German and wearing leiderhosen all the time. In fact, as a whole, I think we're way better at being independent than men are. And I think that's a kick in the balls to some dudes who might prefer that we were not.

I don't think that the weirdo who tells me he's not "ready for a relationship" after two dates really thinks that that's what I'm after- I think it's wishful thinking. Not that I'm such great shakes, but I think he would like to assume that pretty much any lady in town would be thrilled to pieces to have him all to herself, or to bear the fruit of his loins or whatever. It's nothing but blowing smoke up your own ass.

It seems as though certain men are trying to create a strawwoman narrative that just isn't there anymore. It's a narrative more flattering to themselves than based in reality. And despite the fact that shows like this, and books/movies like "He's Just Not That Into You" claim to be intended to show women how to not be pathetic, they seem to be more hung up on creating perpetuating the idea that this is what we are in the first place - and that we, of course, need a brilliant, tough lovin' dude to show us the error of our sad little ways.

Dago-fabulous

I just read this article in AdAge about the Verizon Wireless commercial featuring Italian American stereotypes, and I've been seeing more and more like it lately. I've been trying for some time (like, 18 drafts worth) to iterate how I feel about this sort of thing. It's not easy. I'm not really sure how these stereotypes affect me. For the most part, I don't feel like they do, and I don't feel like I identify with them other than "oh, some people on the outskirts of my family are a bit like that, maybe." Also, I have little issue with people assuming I could have them killed at my whim.

But then again, I do get some things here and there. "You must be crazy/have a bad temper" is a big one. I was once told that I didn't "seem Italian" by some dude from Indiana, which was kind of shocking (I told him I left my gondola and dancing monkey at home)- but then again, he was from Indiana. I've been told I'm "white," "ethnic white," "mediterannean" and "not white, Italian" by various people. At the same time, I am the recipient of white privilege more often than not. Race, darlings, is a social construction.

The stereotype of (younger) Italian women as vamps and femme fatales is something I have both benefited from and been negatively affected by. As a result, I am cautious when dating men who are more "officially white in a midwestern sort of way," because I've had a lot of issues with those types making assumptions about me based on my ethnicity, or seeing me as somehow less important than girls who are non-ethnically white.

Truth be told, however, I think that "The Godfather" and movies like it actually helped the Italian American community more than anything. People forget- hell, I forget- that when Italians first came here, we were not exactly welcome. The largest lynching in history was of 11 Italians in New Orleans, not to mention Sacco and Vanzetti, and internment camps in WWII. After The Godfather came out... they didn't really fuck with us so much, did they? Not to mention the fact that well, weird as it sounds, it made us look really cool. It made being Italian something people would want to be if they could, rather than something they looked down upon. It didn't, like so many other portrayals, make us look buffoonish and ignorant (well, except for Fredo)- but rather extremely perceptive and intelligent- if a bit calculating.

I tend to laugh a bit at Olive Garden commercials and the like, but I don't totally fault people for thinking that the Italian American concept of family is an aspirational one. It's one of the things I think is kind of awesome about us.

We tend to participate in our own stereotyping more than other ethnicities do, but a lot of that is because, despite the whole American "melting pot" thing, we've held onto our ethnic heritage and customs pretty tightly. Which is pretty cool, for the most part.

Because Diet Coke Is For Pussies?

Last night, I was innocently watching Heroes and trying to figure out what the hell was going on, when I saw a charming commercial for "Pepsi Max." It's a new diet cola... for men!



Soda as a gendered product kind of blows my mind. I remember when Tab came out with that whole pink can, it's a cola for women thing... but I don't recall that taking off so well. My dad has been drinking Diet Coke (Caffeine Free!) for as long as I can remember, and I just cannot fathom any dude I know getting all "Oh, no thanks, that soda is for the ladies, it might make my dick fall off. Thank goodness they're making a diet soda for my needs now!" Really, just outside of it being bizarrely sexist for no apparent reason... they're addressing a need that I'm pretty sure isn't there. I've seen some unnecessarily gendered products before, but mostly they were from other countries, such as this candy bar, which I saw once at the World Market:



They use a special kind of ball enhancing chocolate maybe?

And this, which I see in Chinatown:



It's not subtle, I'll tell you that much. The thing is, there are lots of products that are marketed specifically towards one gender (cleaning products, yogurt, power tools, cars, etc.)- but this direct "It's for men!! Manly men!!!" direct approach seems especially disconcerting.

I told you this existed!

In case you thought I might be lying about having seen a commercial for a penis pump (that's covered by Medicare!) on television late at night, here it is. I can't stop thinking, however, about how amazing it would be if instead of that no-name guy they've got hosting it, if they put Billy Mays in charge of that shit. You know, this guy:



Also, I just want to put it out there that I will totally marry whoever made this video. Especially if he/she is willing to make me a montage of all the black and white "struggling" scenarios from similar commercials (like the one where the lady for some reason can't shave her legs without screaming in pain, or the part of the Snuggie commercial where the lady "struggles" to talk on the phone or change the channel whilst holding onto a sleeve-free blanket).

(PS- I put the link in to the Billy Mays Wikipedia article because it is also hilarious. I especially dig the fact that there is a section titled "Rise to Prominence.")

What I'm getting you for your birthday

So, last night, though I fully intended to go out, I stayed in- because I was horrified by the weather and also there was an Omen marathon on AMC (not that I haven't seen them all 85,000 times). BUT, this is the important part! I totally saw a commercial for a penis pump. A penis pump that claims it is covered by Medicare (please note that many insurance companies, by the way, still do not cover birth control.

I just thought that you should know. Keep an eye out for it. The old dude who says "If you can be all you can be, why not be all you can be?" is priceless, as is his toupee.

Robyn's Commercial Mystery Hour

Ok, so every time that Boost Mobile commercial comes on (you know, the one with the three guys rapping?)- which is often because apparently they sponsor the FearNet, and we watch a lot of horror movies here at The Maxi Pad- I freak out about the last guy in the commercial with the incredibly bizarre, plasticky looking face.

So, eventually (as in yesterday), I look him up. Because I need a closer look at his face. I google "'That dude' Boost Mobile commercial"- and find out that he is in fact Mickey Avalon, and he actually does stuff other than commercials for cell phone companies. Stuff which includes the "My Dick" song....

Which was the inspiration for my favorite thing ever, Margaret Cho's "My Puss" song. Which I think I've already posted here like, 50,000 times. It's that glorious.

See how everything comes full circle? Now, with that success (?) under my belt, I decided I was ready to discover the identity of my old nemesis, the "free credit report dot com" guy (I'm feeling very Nancy Drew this morning)...

I've had nightmares. I've gone four days without being able to get that "F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com baby" song out of my head. I hate his smug face and his lies (truly- like, jen signed up, and it's free at first, but then they charge you 14 bucks a month and when you try to cancel it you can't get a hold of anyone, and they stick you with a virus that charges you twice). I hate the fact that nothing I can do will stop him from singing those awful songs. I think sometimes that if I just give up and go to the stupid website that it'll stop. You know, like when some drunk dude starts trying to convince you that you and he are totally soul mates, and eventually you just say "Yeah, ok, fine, we're soulmates, whatever." so he'll shut up and move on to bothering the next chick? It won't work like that! There is nothing I can do! Nothing will stop this man from torturing me with his horrid jingles! But still... I'm curious.

So I look him up. As it turns out, his name is Eric Violette, and he doesn't even sing the songs- it's dubbed over! It's like the fucking Beijing Olympics thing! Like, apparently, they thought this guy was so awesome looking/ such an awesome actor, and that the other guy was such a good singer, that they combined them. What the cock is that shit?

Also, I have found his myspace, and, unsurprisingly, he does not seem to have much to say about life, other than that which involves getting free credit reports.
http://www.myspace.com/eric_violette

Mysteries solved.

I need to vent!

Oh good lord- just saw this commercial for the new Coors wide mouth vented can, or whatever that's supposed to be. And then I threw things and got a little stabby.

So there's this guy, and he's hanging out with his wife, or girlfriend or whatever, and he gets a phone call from his friend. He tells his wife "Oh, gosh honey, my friend needs to vent!" and she of course says "Oh! Golly! Well you better go take care of him!" And blah blah blah, he goes to the friends house and they drink beer from vented cans and watch sports, and then she calls to check up on him, and he's like "yeah, I think he's gonna be ok." or some shit.

I hate the imaginary world these people live in. What is that about? What? Like "Oh gosh, you know those womenfolk! They only understand talks about feelings, bleeding from their ladyparts, Lifetime movies and handbags! That bitch would never comprehend my desire to do something like, uh, watching TV with my friends and drinking beer!" Jesus- I'm so sure she gives a shit. You know she's just glad to have some time to herself. To spend with her Hitachi Magic Wand.

A movie? Really?

Ok... so it has come to my attention (maybe I'm slow on the uptake and this was a big deal or something) that the book "He's Just Not That Into You" has been made into a movie. Here, I present to you the trailer, which may make you want to stick things in your eye (Seriously. It involves Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johannsen.)




Oh my god! Isn't it just hilarious how women are like, just so pathetic, and so desperate to find a man? Any man? And isn't it just so terrible that all these men are horrible douchebags who will step all over their fragile hearts if given the chance? Wow! I've never seen this movie before! I can't imagine how it might end! Ooh! And there's a Cure song in it! Won't someone please mend Scarlett's broken heart? Oh! Thank goodness there's a man around to tell them all the big scary truth!

This shit goes right up my ass. It just does. These women are totally imaginary- they're like, figments of some asshole dude's fantasy about how every chick on earth is secretly scheming to be his lawfully wedded wife. I do not personally know any human being this pathetic.

I don't know, the moral of this story seems to be the old adage... "When a person has the courage to tell you who they are, believe them." Which has never been difficult for me.