The most horrifying thing ever?

So the other night I'm sitting on the couch with Allen watching Paris Hilton's My New BFF (I promise you it is comedy gold.) and I see a new commercial, and I freak the fuck out.

The horrifying FreeCreditReport.com guy is in a new commercial. A new commercial in which he is at the goddamned Renaissance Festival. Do you have any idea how I fear the Renaissance festival? I went once when I was a kid and was practically traumatized by all the delusional Olde English speaking people and the whole thing where everyone was eating giant turkey legs with their hands (it's not festive, it's unsanitary).

So, anyway this commercial is basically like a cornucopia of my absolute worst fears in the world. I seriously dived under the blanket and covered my head until it was over. This is what I imagine it looked like:
(click to enlarge and see all of my worst fears come true!)

Yup. That was pretty much it. The worst thing ever. I will have nightmares for years to come.