Go suck a thumb, Walter Kirn

Walter Kirn is a man who wrote a semi-autobiographical novel called Thumbsucker. About a boy who sucks his thumb and has trouble with a girl who wants to screw around with him, but godforbid does not want to be his soulmate, and get married, and form a family band. What a total whore, right? Fuck her! If she had any sense she'd throw herself at his feet and thank him profusely for deigning to consider her worthy of his glorious affections. (I digress. Also, my boyfriend Vincent D'onofrio was in the movie... so I can't totally hate it)

He also wrote this charming article in Elle that made me want to shove his thumb in his ass and then into his eye, and hope that he not only goes blind, but also suffers from a terrible bacteria infection that eats his brain. I should preface this by saying that he also wrote another article for Elle about how "your boyfriend is lying to you about your body"- ie: he is actually absolutely disgusted by it and wants to vomit everytime he looks at you, especially if you have stretch marks anywhere!

They tend to go out on the town in pairs, I’ve noticed: the conventionally pretty one, all dolled up and shining, and her average-looking friend, who’s barely had time to do her hair. The pretty one, I have a hunch, is generally the instigator. With the plainer one by her side, she thinks she’ll look even more dazzling than usual. And the plainer one goes along with the idea because she wants to bask in her friend’s glow—or maybe because she just doesn’t get out
much. I don’t know. I do know, however, that when I spot them and manage to push in beside them at the bar, I often feel sorry for the pretty one.

Because she’s about to learn she’s not the pretty
one.

Yeah, you're totally going to ruin that girls day, aren't you Walter Kirn! You're going to punish her, and all the other women who thought they were too good for you! I'm sure all of her self esteem relies on soliciting your favor. I bet she'll go home and cry about it! (By the way, totally imagining that last sentence of his paragraph in the voice of movie preview announcer guy)

He goes on and on for pages extolling the virtues of homely chicks- but not really. Primarily, what he's harping on is his own awesome deepness, and ability to "see through" those totally stupid bitches with symmetrical features (yeah, apparently the whole symmetrical feature thing is a big deal for him). However, let me tell you- Walter Kirn is not deep. Walter Kirn is a) recently bitterly divorced from a model, and b) a puritanical douchebag.

First of all, buddy, I do not choose my friends based upon whether or not I look better standing next to them. I like them because they are hilarious, brilliant, ballsy chicks- who also happen to be super hot. Contrary to what you may believe, my entire life is not in fact devoted to reelin' me in a husband! I don't wear heels because I'm trying to impress the menfolk, I wear them because I like being taller than you. And because they go with my outfit, and I fucking happen to like shoes, k?

Homely people do not get a free pass on the good personality express. If you believe that, you have watched like, way too many teen movies, or your mom was blowing smoke up your ass to make you feel better. I have met more boring ugly people than I can shake a damn stick at. It's not that you like homely chicks, it's that you don't like women whom you suspect feel a little too good about themselves. Not taking care of oneself is often a sign of depression. Men like homely chicks for the same reasons they like short chicks- they want someone who appears kickable. They are insecure themselves and afraid of rejection, afraid of a woman with too much love for herself- because if she does love herself, she'll never be grateful enough for you, she'll never be afraid to leave your sorry ass. That's what you're afraid of, Walter Kirn.