FACTS! (and things)

• I am making a return to the acting thing (after a bajillion years)! My very talented friend Michael is directing a short film this April, called At Last, Okemah! in which I will be playing the bitchy ex-girlfriend of a musician. Which, of course, is a huge leap for me.


• I am hugely overwhelmed by the amount of people that want to read at next month's show. We can really only do like, 6 people, so I'll probably have to schedule some people for May even though I don't want to.


• I feel like something is "off" about my eyebrows as of late, but cannot pinpoint what.


• FACT: Dudes who complain about other dudes being assholes are usually way more terrible than the dudes they're complaining about.
• OH MY GOD. Ok, so I've been working for a while on a story in which one of the primary characters is a sex worker- so I was looking at the Craigslist Erotic Services section for research on how to write one for the story, and I totally saw a chick that I used to know whom I haven't seen in years who was A) a horrid rotten bitch to me, and b) claiming to be 18 when she is in fact older than I am! Also, retinas=scarred. I did not need to ever, ever, ever see that. Ever. And it really just did not need to involve pigtails. The sad part about this is that the only person who would even get why this is so insane is in the "dead to me" pile- for good reason, of course- but still, I'm a bit of a pathological gossip when it comes to people I dislike, and I really, really need to think of someone else who would understand. (yes, I know. I'm a totally bad person.)

Varied and Sundry- Daylight Savings Time Edition

1. Happy Daylight Savings Time! I have yet to figure out how I ought to celebrate *this* Daylight Savings Day... other than being annoyed at having to wake up an hour earlier. It's not like Time Travel Day or anything amazing like that. I'll figure it out.

2. I got a weird text message at 5am. Which, you know, is not unusual for me, what with the hours my friends keep and the creepy stalkers I seem to attract. But it was from a number I don't know, and it read "I've got the guy for you and he has your number." Ok- now, I'm missing a lot of numbers because I got a new phone recently, and for some reason the back-up assistant only backed up numbers I'd gotten prior to June, and I also tend to delete numbers pretty often, especially if it's a dude I've decided to stop seeing. It's a good way to avoid calling them whilst intoxicated, and you get the added pleasure of sending them the "Who is this?" text... but still. How weird is that?

I mean, I met some dude last night whom I think called me an Eskimo and asked me to go to Tavern, and I gave him my number for whatever reason before going home- but then he called my phone right after and that's not his number. MYSTERY!

3. A five year old invented my outfit today. For god knows what reason (well, rain, I guess), I felt that I ought to wear a 1950's style polkadot dress with a beaded cardigan, bright red tights... and my black hunter boots. I am a vision, I tell you.

4. Last night, after having smoked grass- not something I generally do, so it tends to affect me a bit- I came home to find a letter my dad. In it, was a page torn from a magazine, an advertisement featuring an astronaut and reading:

Private Astronauts Wanted

If you have ever dreamed of space flight, space adventures can turn your dream into reality.

And then a bunch of stuff about how you can go fly around in space for ten days if you happen to be really rich. What the fuck?

"But I hate regular travel, even! With regular planes! For an hour, going back to NY!" I thought. "Did I want to go to space camp when I was a kid? I don't think so. I really don't think so, I mean, I remember seeing the commercials come on after Punky Brewster... but I don't recall ever wanting to go. I do, however, remember thinking that that spinny hamster wheel thing they always showed people riding in looked like something that would make me nauseated... Why? Why would my dad want to send me into space? Did I screw up? Is 'space travel' the new 'boarding school'? Maybe he wants to go there for a vacation? Mom will never go along with that, she's claustrophobic and I doubt they let you smoke in space..."

And it went on, and on, and on... until I turned over the other side... and saw an article about the Hunter boots I was wearing in RI (the same ones I'm wearing today), with a note saying "And you thought I was out of it! I'm learning! ---love, Dad" The article, of course, was from Forbes, which is what all the hep cats are reading these days.

So, yeah, that's my story. If you, however, feel differently about space travel... you can go to www.spaceadventures.com. And be my private astronaut, astronaut for money...

Varied and Sundry

1. I have taken up the peculiar habit of drinking straight lemon juice.
2. It is possibly not the best of all ideas to have two glasses of sparkling pinot noir (which, if you were wondering, is the best thing ever), two vodka and seven-ups, and two glasses of sangria. While I am not hungover, I am still a bit nauseated. But I'm in a *splendid* mood, so it doesn't matter.
3. I've been back from Rhode Island for several days now, and still my accent is lingering and popping up here and there. I suspect it was on full force last night. Which is irritating because I get really bothered and self conscious anyway when people feel the need to shriek "I just heard your accent!" at me when I say certain words.
4. As usual, we've had a drop-out for Sunday's Show. So now I've got to scramble and find me another dude to read. Eek! I might have to drop the gender parity concept, because it's way harder to get guys involved- oddly, I think they're just not that comfortable with the subject matter.

Varied and Sundry- Superbowl Edition?

• Last night, we went to the Darkroom and I debuted my fancy new Joan Holloway dress with my glorious red shoes. If you think you're sick of hearing about it now, just wait until you see me wearing it every time you see me, because wearing it as a uniform is the only way I can justify it's purpose.
• Speaking of uniforms, some unfortunate looking creature wearing a lavender paisley ascot comes up to us last night (for the third time) and asks me if I am an airline stewardess. Mind you, dude was wearing a fucking lavender paisley ascot. Who is he to judge my fabulous dress.
• I am going to my first Superbowl Party ever today. I know nothing of football. I will be the girl bringing the brie and petits toasts.
• Mr. Catface is being a nudge. He wants to make sweet love to my laptop.
• We talked last night about crying in bars. I have an excessive amount of pride and don't cry much, and have thus only cried in public once. It was in the bathroom at Orzo's, and it was my lady time, and the boy I was with (whom I was retardedly smitten with at the time, despite his conservative leanings, possibly because he resembled True Love Elvis Costello and liked horror movies) started making fun of anti-war protesters. Which, you know, I was. I got really upset because I felt like everything I liked about myself and was proud of was something he thought he'd have to overlook. I don't know, but I totally lost it. It was worlds of embarassing- and it was a bajillion years ago, but I still get redfaced thinking about it.
• I have no idea about what I am going to wear today. I really have to do my laundry. I do not want to go to work. I want to stay in bed with Mr. Catface and eat clementines.

I should go to bed, but instead I will tell you some stories.

Story #1- When I was in 5th grade I went to Hawaii with my family, and everywhere you went there were signs such as this:

Please Do Not Litter-- Mahalo

or

Please Do Not Lean on Railing-- Mahalo

And for the first few days I thought that Mahalo was the name of an especially involved, or rather vain, Mayor or Governor. I would feel lamer about this if my mother did not think the exact same thing (and she wasn't 10 at the time)

Story # 2- This one time when I was back home visiting, I introduced myself to this one guy only to have him inform me that we had dated for a month. I still feel horribly embarrassed when I think about it, and yet I still do not remember him. I am haunted by this as I usually have a fantastic memory.

Story #3- I go through a tin of hot chocolate a week, and am suspecting that this cannot possibly be healthy.

Story #4- I accidentally took Sudafed PM today and tried to correct it by drinking a lot of coffee. The Sudafed has worn off (I think!) but now it's 3am and I can't sleep. This has happened before. In high school, my mom accidentally gave me NyQuil or something instead of DayQuil, and I got a little kooky or something in bio, and was sent to the nurse's office. They called my mother and told her I was probably on drugs. She told them about the NyQuil and they thought she was in denial.

Story #5 (A Secret!)- I can be bribed with egg cream sodas. Seriously, if you were like, "Hey Robyn, haul like, 15 tons of bricks across the street and I will take you out for egg cream sodas!" I would be sold on that arrangement, as it will always sound like the best time that can possibly be had. In this regard, I am five.

Delta Dawn of the Dead...

I have to be up in a few hours to go to work. I will possibly be going to work green, as who knows how hard this makeup is to get off. But I am going to write some shit and eat some hot dogs, so there. Hah.

I am so in love with Halloween it's insane. I ran into this dude tonight that my Dad totally wants me to marry despite the fact that he looks like Derek Jeter and my Dad loves only the Red Sox and hates the Yankees so so much.

I discovered some important things in the past few nights, some good, some bad.

- I like the fact that I am still comfortable being hideous for Halloween.

- The diner next door to my apartment was obscenely busy, so while I waited for my hot dogs I bussed dishes because the lady who works there is always very nice to me. This is how things should work in life.

- My inability to throw away a crossword puzzle unfinished is affecting my sanity. Sometimes there isn't an answer, sometimes there isn't an explanation, and sometimes people are just douchebags. I am not Nancy Drew. I must become content with not having an answer or explanation to everything. Even though it is obscenely frustrating.

- In a somewhat perfect world, everyone would throw their crazy on the table.

I am dead, but other than that, things are swell!

I am just going to die today. Seriously. I only got like, four hours of sleep last night, because my stupid phone woke me up (why do I always forget to put it on silent?), and then it was too hot to manage getting back to sleep until like, 4:30am. And today the store is full of delusional people who think they're a size small when even the larges wouldn't fit. I don't get that. Do they think maybe I'm blind? Oy. Who are they trying to fool? Me, or themselves?

Oh! But in awesome news...

1. I saw my dad yesterday and we went out for dinner and it was lovely, and I got to have lobster because I'm awesome, and also my mum sent me a pink umbrella because she's adorable.

2. Project Runway starts tonight! This is the last season, basically, since after this one, it's movie to freaking lifetime, and probably changing it's name to Project; Designers on the Run.

3. And if that wasn't glorious enough... my bad reality show dreams have come true! Rock of Love 3!! And this time... it's on a bus! Sweet!

4. Ok... this is going to sound so, so lame... but I got "Comment of The Day" for the first time over on Jezebel yesterday, and I'm like, retardly excited about it. Yes, I know, I have no life: http://jezebel.com/5025527/reader-roundup.

5. Fun tidbit of conversation:

Robyn: I truly have no desire to see the Grand Canyon or swim with dolphins, and for some reason this bothers people.

Dude: Well, the Grand Canyon is pretty awesome...

Robyn: I don't know, I'm sure it's probably pretty, but how long can that even be interesting for?

Dude: Well, if you like hiking...

Robyn: I totally don't hike. I don't hike, I don't jog, I don't date guys with the last name Peterson, or do anything else that seems to directly correlate to being murdered. It's a thing I have. Seriously, I watch a lot of Law and Order. Hiking= death.

Ahoy!

1. Weird! So the night before last, I had a dream that I went to go get a haircut, but ended up at this firefighting school, and I joined because I wanted to spite this girl I did not like that I don't know in my waking life. Yeah, I'm petty in my dreams too. Anyway, last night, I saw my dear friend Lindy, who gave me a glorious, glorious belated birthday present! Three super creepy looking firefighter knicknacks (with hoses and also drills) from the dollar store. See, Lindy knows me. She understands my deep love for things that are terrible. But isn't that spooky? I would think it was if I believed in that crap. However, I LOVE them. And what I love even more is that it is a possibility that someone else probably bought them thinking "Gosh! Aren't these darling! They would look lovely on my mantle!" and not because they are hilarious. I will place them on my bureau next to One-Arm Juanita. They will be like her children.

2. Am quite hungover. We went to Danny's last night, and I made a new friend who has the same name as my dad! Who at first thought I was a drag queen! And then we sang Smell Yo Dick and a variety of Judy Garland tunes, and discussed Mr. Darcy complexes and Catherine MacKinnon. And then we went to Estelle's- which was probably not the best idea ever, but was in fact a good time. I will be hungover again tomorrow, however, because...

3. Am going out to night to hang out with my friends from the interwebs! It's true! All the Jezebel commenters from Chicago are meeting up tonight at a bar in Andersonville. And it will be glorious and snarky.

4. Purple Jeans. I want them to exist in my wardrobe, but they keep looking wrong/being too big in the damn calves. American Apparel apparently only thinks people with cankles want skinny purple jeans, which is not true and I am a prime example of this. Not fair. I have dreams!

5. Oh! I also found people last night who were familiar with this, the greatest thing that ever happened to NY Public Access. I love the sense that this song does not make. It makes my life, and if for some reason I have not shared it with you, I apologize.

Facts! And things...

1. I will not be shutting up about that whole seal shtupping a penguin thing for at least a month. I am going to write songs about it on my red ukulele, I am going to write a children's book about it, I will make pictures and diagrams, and anyone who is lucky enough to run into me will be sure to hear the glorious tale of the seal who shtupped a penguin. I am going to get this picture blown up



and I am going to hang it over my mantle. Because it is just that hilarious.

2. Another hilarious thing I cannot bring myself to shut up about- Did you know that those FLDS chicks don't cut their hair... because Jesus is going to come back and they have to use it to wash his feet? True story. The whole thing sort of breaks my mind. Especially because like, all I have to relate this to is that one weird dude who tried to convince me to let him give me a pedicure, and what a terribly awkward situation that was. Also, I don't feel like hair would be an effective foot cleaning device, pumice stones exist for a reason. Also, like, are they all going to do it at the same time, or will they take turns? That would take up a lot of time, I would imagine. There are a lot of those chicks, since they're so into having babies and all. I mean, is that all Jesus is going to do when he comes back? Sit around and have his feet washed with Mormon hair? You'd think he'd have like, other things to attend to or something. Then again, what do I know?

3. I totally got hit on by a Rick Astley look alike last night at The Continental. It was especially awkward because at first I thought he was gay... because he walked up to me and said "Hey boobs!" Which, I don't know, is just not something the straight guys tend to say, I guess. But no- he was straight, and he totally thought that he and I were going to make a love connection. Which, of course caused me to run back to my table yelling that I just had been RickRolled. Because I am mature like that. And then I sang this:



Which is, of course, my favorite Rick Astley jam.

4. Robo-squirrel. Teehee!

I might still be drunk.

1. Star Jones! Getting divorced! Not that I really care, but they mentioned that her real name is "Starlet" and I find that especially hilarious.

2. Dudes in Congo are freaking out because black magicians are stealing their dicks. No, really. Which is probably traumatic for them. But like, if you could have a magical power.... that might be kind of amusing one to have. I'm just saying.

3. Bush quote of the day, via Slate: "Oftentimes people ask me, 'Why is it that you're so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?' "—Washington, D.C., April 18, 2008.

4. Wow! Ok, so this is this website... that harasses your exes for you to find out why they dumped you. No, really! I don't see why it's necessary, as I would imagine that it's because, well, you are the sort of person that would enlist the services of a website to help you harass someone to find out why they dumped you. That's your damned answer. You're creepy. Then again, what do I know? That could be a totally attractive quality to some people- I've often noted that my personal insistance on things like having dignity has been troublesome in my personal life. But I'd rather stick things in my eyes. Repeatedly. I can't understand why someone would not find doing such a thing to be abjectly humiliating! Also, honestly can't imagine what I would do were I to someday receive a number of email surveys asking me why I ditched some dude. I would probably file a restraining order.

Varied and Sundry.

1. I have eaten too many grapes today.
2. This almost made me choke on one.
3. I am going to bed soon.
4. After reading about the stray cougar in Chicago (And by the way... can I just mention that at first I totally thought they were talking about one of those older women who date 18 year old boys)- which of course reminded me of "Bringing Up Baby"- I spent an inordinate amount of time today comparing and contrasting myself with Katherine Hepburn (we are both feministy ladies from New England with considerable skills in verbal sparring- however, she looks good in wide brim hats, whereas I prefer cloches and berets, and while I find Spencer Tracey quite dreamy, I cannot say that I would have gone for Howard Hughes- I'm big on shoes and I think the Kleenex boxes would have freaked me out). There's more, but I won't bore you with it.
5. You know what's weird? When women on TV say that they've been planning their wedding since they were little girls, and that this is something all women do. In case you were wondering... no. I have thought and planned and schemed many, many things in my time, but I have never, ever once in my life planned a wedding inside my head. I have never fantasized about a wedding gown. Not once. Ever. I do not personally know anyone who has done this. I imagine such people would not have many interesting things to say. Also- can you even begin to picture me screaming "THIS IS MY SPECIAL DAY!!" with a straight face?
6. Am number one hit on Google for Bavarian Sluts! Yeah!
7. Am like number 200 on Google Croatia for Older Vagina! (someone was on a quest! But why? Is that a thing?)
8. Hate all of my clothes. Hate all clothes in all stores visited recently. Look horrifying in everything. Got stuck in a subway grate in the rain the other day and fell- still bruisy. Would like some candy, have only grapes.
9. Recently discovered! While a package of unshelled pistachios may seem like the best thing ever, it is not, as all unshelled pistachios contained within package taste like death and poison! Will go back to breaking nails and possibly teeth on shells presently. To love is to suffer. Sigh.
10. Would it be bad if, for just a moment- just a moment, I thought to myself that I would totally volunteer to be Rob Lowe's new nanny? Because I kinda did. Damn you "The Outsiders!" I watched you too many times as a kid to think of Mr. Lowe as anything other than dreamy!

Varied and Sundry... It's been a good day.

1. I think I saw Charo at Swank Frank.
2. Today while I was wandering around downtown in between classes, I came upon the most amazing thing ever. It's called the "Stitch Salon"- and it's only open until Saturday (I was a little late on the bandwagon)- so if you're a knitter or a crocheter or sewer or something, you should go check it out before it closes- apparently it's been open the whole winter. Basically, people go down there and stitch a patch onto this skirt, and then they're going to take it around to yarn shops and put it on display. I think it's a really nifty idea. In fact, it gave me an idea of my own- I think I'm going to try to get everyone I know to give me a patch of some kind- like, not necessarily knitted or crocheted if they don't know how to do that- even just like, a cloth patch that they've decorated somehow, and sew them all into a blanket. I don't know how many people I could get to jump on that bandwagon, but I think it would be really super awesome if I could make it work.
3. SheepMan Lives!
4. Crazy anti-choice politicians in Texas want to buy your baby