Oh Cosmo!

Man, I have to tell you- not nearly as much hilarity as expected in the "Sexy" issue! I was a bit disappointed- 'cause mostly it was like, "Hey! I'm a 31 year old chick who has invented this amazing new move which is exactly like a hand job!" and "Surprise! Guys want to do you in the ass! Did you know?" and "Act pleasantly surprised when you see his junk! Say 'Oooh!' and 'Aaaah!'" and also lots of toungue swirling and also the word panties came up like 85 times (I have a thing against that word. It really bothers me. I prefer "knickers."). Not so much fun. Until, of course, I came upon this glorious gem:

"Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects."

Yup. Now, first of all- just in case you don't think these things through as deeply as I do...

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING THE PEPPER FROM?

I mean, what? Do you keep a pepper grinder handy on the bedside table for just this occasion? Or must you secretly palm the pepper inside your fist the whole time? Because I imagine that would make everything else fairly awkward. I can't figure a smooth transition either way. Like what? "Hold on! Let me lean over and grab this pepper grinder!" And really, what is one to think when confronted with someone wielding a pepper grinder in their face? And what if it got in the dude's eye and then you'd have to go to the hospital and explain that you were grinding pepper on him so he'd sneeze while you were doing it! How embarassing! What if he went blind? Also, who wants to be sneezed on? Not me, not ever. Sneezing is not sexy. Nor is being covered in snot. It is why we have Kleenex.

Oh, also! Cosmo's Man Manual has informed me that all you dudes are totally psyched for the Counting Crows comeback! Who knew?