Curmudgeon

1. Despite being an owner of cats, and a by-proxy (via my parents) dog owner, pictures of cute animals do absolutely nothing for me. Really. In fact, I find them noxious. In fact, I don't think there is anything even the slightest bit clever about LOLCats. Also, I feel as though I must go on the record as saying that Mr. Catface has way better grammar than said LOLcats.

2. I am not conflicted about people. I am not conflicted about sex. I am very conflicted about shopping at American Apparel. I do not feel guilty about interacting with people, I do not feel guilty about sex, I feel guilty about accidentally buying Nestle Hot Chocolate via Peapod.

3. I cannot stand children who hide behind their mothers legs, or who respond to the question "How old are you?" by holding up fingers. Particularly if that number is more than three, because by three years old, one ought to be able to say "three years old." I find this behavior affected.

4. I don't particularly care for or trust the shy and introverted- and, in particular, those who seem to talk a lot about being shy and introverted.

5. I think dream journals are stupid. I do not want to hear about your dream unless you can convey it in a manner that I will find especially hilarious, and even then, it should be short and to the point.

6. I believe that if you find yourself compelled to cry in public, or engage in public displays of affection, you really are not spending enough time at home. I suggest that you remain there until you can learn to be appropriate in the public arena.

7. Cuteness implies neoteny, which means retaining the characteristics of a human baby. That being said, adults expecting to engage in conversation with those over the age of five have no business with it. Being cute is the pasttime of those who are otherwise terrible.

8. When a man tells me he taught English in an impoverished country, which happens to be known for having an undue amount of prostitutes and/or women with a reputation of being more culturally submissive than women in the West... I am highly suspicious when he claims he was doing so to expand his cultural horizons.

9. Men who tend to veer on the artsy side of things also tend to believe that by not explicitly being a meathead, banker, Big 10 Graduate etc. they have been rendered completely incapable of sexist or misogynistic tendencies. So, you know, if you're a feminist, you probably want to stick with the latter, as at least they'll accept your authority on the subject.

10. If you must be short, don't act it.

11. I do not believe in ghosts. I really, really don't. So, yes, if you tell me you've seen a ghost, I think you are delusional. The same will apply to that thing some psychic told you that turned out to be true, your personal relationship with Christ, how I am exactly like a Gemini, etc. etc.

12. I suspect people of making up mental disorders in order to appear more interesting and deep.

13. I am irritated by women who play the "I am so deep that I don't even know how to put on eyeliner" game. Seriously? It's that difficult? No, no it's not. Eyeliner- nor having the ability to walk in heels- does not impede one's ability to read a book.

14. The giving up of coffee or soda does not make for interesting conversation, and kind of makes you sound like an asshole when you attempt it. Nor does it even make all that much sense. If drinking coffee is the most unhealthy thing you do to your body, then I think you're ok. Also, the subject of your great dedication to your health and well being does not, in general, make for interesting conversation.

15. It is bad manners, and frankly, rather vicious, to discuss one's weight issues with people of a larger size than you are- to discuss a pimple on one's nose with someone with bad acne, etc. etc. Stop it.

16. I have nothing but apathy towards anything having to do with outerspace. Movies or television shows about people in space, the space program, people going to outerspace... Absolutely no interest. I am not filled with wonder watching Neil Armstrong take those first steps on the moon... I don't know. It just doesn't do anything for me. I'm sorry.

Vampire Logic Fail

Since 8:30 last night, I have been trying to wrap my head around the logic of an article I found via feministe. Apparently, according to Mr. Stephan Marche of Esquire Magazine, vampire books and movies are so popular right now among the ladies... because vampires represent gay men... and we want to have sex with gay men... because sex with a gay man/vampire is less "threatening" than sex with a straight non-undead dude.

No, really. That was the thesis. You go and read it and tell me I'm wrong. Now, I don't really think it's all that necessary to deconstruct this, but I'm going to do it anyway- since if there are any subjects I feel strongly about, it's most certainly sex and the undead.

Premise 1- "Vampires have overwhelmed pop culture because young straight women want to have sex with gay men. Not all young straight women, of course, but many, if not most, of them."

For one, I don't get how vampires = gay men. Is it because straight dudes don't wear capes and medallions so often? Because one only needs to take a trip out to the food court of any suburban mall, or, if you're in the city, Neo or whatever goth bar you've got in your town to see that this is not in fact true. For another- where is he getting this "most young straight women want to have sex with gay men" thing? Apparently, from a general misconception of how women work and why awkward teenage girls have had gay male best friends since the dawn of whenever. (Answer: Being liked for what makes you different rather than hated for it. It's that simple and it goes both ways.)

One of the best explanations for this I've heard is when we were asked a question at the Sunday Night Sex Show that went something like "Gay guys always have a million hot girl friends! Should I just pretend to be gay to get some action?" My co-host Allen explained that the reason women want to hang out with him is because, unlike some straight dudes... he actually likes women. He actually likes spending time with them and talking to them, etc. etc. I don't want to do him, and I don't want to do any of my gay male friends. But I think that sometimes straight dudes don't especially understand why anyone would bother hanging out with someone of the opposite sex without it being a romantic thing. Like, it took my dad- who is super liberal- a while to be comfortable with my having sleepovers with my gay male friends in middle school and highschool.
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Premise 2- "Vampire fiction for young women is the equivalent of lesbian porn for men: Both create an atmosphere of sexual abandon that is nonthreatening. That's what everybody wants, isn't it? Sex that's dangerous and safe at the same time, risky but comfortable, gooey and violent but also traditional and loving. In the bedroom, we want to have one foot in the twenty-first century and another in the nineteenth."

Fact. Vampire sex is obviously way more threatening than sex with someone who is not trying to kill you or turn you into a vampire or whatever. I mean, sure, there are STD's and shit- but it's clearly not the same immediate death situation that vampire sex would probably end in. Also, I haven't read the Twilight series, but apparently the main dude is super freezing cold all the time (right?) and I don't know about you, but I would also feel that having frostbite in my lady parts would be kind of a mood killer.

Conclusion: Stephan Marche is daft.

Globe-trottin'

When I was younger, I had a deep and heartfelt fondness for the Weekly World News. Every week, my friend and I would pick it up, and then read it aloud in a diner while drinking bottomless cups of coffee and chainsmoking. Here in the future, I don't so much spend 5 hours in a diner, because I'm allowed to drink booze in public venues and you can't smoke indoors anymore; The Weekly World News has gone under, and I've moved on to a more sophisticated brand of bizarro tabloids. The Globe, for one. (One question though! Who is tracking BatBoy now? Is he a Batman yet? I mean, they found him when I was like, in second grade, and he was about my age then...)

I like the Globe because they make no bones about who their demographic is- namely, my Noni and other ladies who've yet to pick up one of them internet machines (they barely have a website. This dirt is a check-out line exclusive.). The front page of this week's issue, like so many before it, declares that Liz Taylor only has three months to live. You see that on People or Star? No. Because the kids of today (who should get off my lawn and into an all night diner) probably don't even know who Elizabeth Taylor is. It also informs me that Dr. Phil is getting a divorce over a sex scandal, that Obama has ordered his "Dirty Tricks Team" to crush Glenn Beck, and that David Letterman has a love child that will shock us.

Oh, and when you turn the page, there's a picture of Sophia Loren picking her nose. There's an advice column penned by Ivana Trump who helps a man through the dillemma of his wife no longer wanting... to watch the same television programs as he does. There's LaToya Jackson, and OJ Simpson, and Anna Nicole Smith and it's like nothing has changed since I was 12 years old. There is an article on why separate beds are better for a marriage. There is a full page advertisement for a $15.99 embroidered sweatshirt! With a cat on it! A half page advertisement for a FREE Elvis Presley 30th Anniversary State Quarter Tribute!

When talking about Nicole Richie, they explain that she is Lionel Richie's daughter. Fact.

Granted, there is some newer news. Like the fact that Clark Gable's grandson got in a knife fight and "cheated death" or whatever, and is totally dating Heather from Rock of Love. I can't decide whether I really hope that's true, or if it would make me cry if it were.

So, you whippersnappers can have your TMZ and your Perez Hilton. I will take my copy of the Globe and a $29.99 All Weather Wonder Coat (with easy button-out lining!) in lustrous polyester taffeta and bid you good day.

The Difference Between the Sexes as Illustrated by 30 Minutes at The Diner Next Door

Boy: You, Robyn, are a vicious and terrible person for thinking that people who go on cruises are inherently boring. Maybe they just like different things than you do! Also, you shouldn't mock people for their PDA's in a diner at 2am, maybe they're really in love.

Waitress: You, Robyn, are awesome because last Halloween you helped me bus tables and get drinks when you came here after you got out of the bar at 4am, even though you were kind of wasted. Also, I agree that those people over there are pretty tacky.