Here is something you should do.

First, bring me some hot chocolate, because I've run out, and being that it's 8 in the morning and I'm in quite a state after last night's show, I'm so not going to Dominick's right now, and I don't feel like making coffee either.

Second, go to www.mrrussia.net, and download the new EP, not only because they're awesome and happen to be my dearest friends, but also because you can play a fun game called "Why does that lady's voice in the background sound especially familiar and a lot like someone who is probably way awesome and super hot?" I will give you a clue- it's me. Then, if you are really super cool, come to Subterannean on September 11th for the record release show! For only five dollars, you get a live show, a free hard copy of the CD, and the chance to see me fall off a stage other than the one at the Burlington. I would say that's a pretty good deal, no? So go. You know, unless you plan to kill me, in which case I would prefer it if you did not.

Smile With Your Vagina?

This evening I was flipping through channels, when what should I see, but a show on the We Channel called "Extreme Wife: Mail Order Brides." The first thing I see is a group of women sitting around a table with bananas, and an older, somewhat crazed looking Ukranian woman announcing that "when we like a man, when we really like a man, we send him a vagina smile."

I was in. Not only was I in, I was plotzing.

The men on the show were exactly what you would expect. They complained about how women in the US "don't know how to take care of a man," and how really attractive women here don't want to date them because they're gross. One especially, um, interesting fella, Kevin, mentioned that women in the states have a thing against creepy guys. Not kidding. He said this. Let's meet Kevin, shall we? (Warning, not entirely safe for work. Also not especially conducive to ever wanting to have sex again)


(Sidenote: The hostess, Dawn Porter, is made of awesome and is totally my new girlcrush. I want her entire wardrobe.)

Kevin is a 43 year old man who lives with his mom in "rural America" and has a license plate on his molester-van which reads "BADBOY3"- he's looking for an 18-25 year old woman who shares his interest in Hannah Montana and the Disney Channel. Huh.

Another one of our bachelors is Frank, a police officer and superchristian. He tries to reel the ladies at the social in by providing them with packages of Jelly Bellys with Jack Chick Tracts attatched to them.

And then there's Marc. Marc has an assault on his record, as he got into a tiff with the father of the underage girl he was dating. He also freaks the fuck out at the girl he was talking to (he carried her picture all the way from the US, he says) after she also talks to Frank.

On the one hand, I find all of this unbelievably hilarious. On the other, the whole idea of creepy, chauvinistic men traveling to other countries to try and buy a perfect looking, submissive wife who will wait on them hand and foot, is just beyond disturbing. On the other, other hand - if there was some magical country filled with dudes who were dishy and entertaining and generally ok with the staggering amount of times a day in which I embarass myself, I might move there.

Sadly, I never did find out what a vagina smile is, nor how to go about sending one. I remain desperately curious.

Stuff and things

• I just bought this shirt! Jealous? I thought so. I'm such an easy sell. I was sitting around, watching Judge Judy and getting some writing done, and I thought to myself- do you know what I need? A shirt with her face on it. Lo and behold, the internet obliged.

• I just accidentally slammed a window on Mary Pickford's head. Not the actual Mary Pickford, a bust I have that looks like Mary Pickford. I chipped her a bit. It's quite sad.
• I keep getting winked at by a man in blingy cargo shorts when I'm outside smoking at work. It's disconcerting.
• I also want this!
• And speaking of Grey Gardens (because if you didn't click on the link, it's a Grey Gardens Coloring Book.).... I found another awesome documentary by the Maysles Brothers, called Salesman. Amazingly, I'd never seen it before. This is the first part, and you can watch the rest of it on the YouTube.